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Original poster

Missing our grand-child, ideas for keeping in touch appreciated please.

40 replies

ArmelleBou · 27/02/2024 20:56

Relationships ending are sad for all concerned in a family. We have always had the usual loving relationship with our DGC, as does our DGC with US, his aunts, uncles and cousins.

We have maintained contact via our ex DiL for the last three years or so.
This has been through some arranged visits (theatre trips, museum, farm etc) with exDiL and gifts/cards sent at the time of any celebrations. They don't live local to us so we tend to meet up, as a family, half way.

ExDiL has messaged to say that she wants the contact including gifts/ cards to stop as these are upsetting our DGC.

Our son does not have contact with his DC. DiL has frustrated contact so far. We are low contact with DS due to an unpaid loan.

We would like to continue with the relationship, including DGC as part of the family. Any ideas appreciated.

OP posts:
MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 27/02/2024 20:57

That is sad. In what was is is causing upset?

Fiddlerdragon · 27/02/2024 20:59

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 27/02/2024 20:57

That is sad. In what was is is causing upset?

Maybe the association of the family with their father that doesn’t see them. It would be a shame to cut off a loving family. But understandable if the dc are genuinely getting upset

Grapesandcheesetwo · 27/02/2024 21:10

That is sad. If you're exDIL is not willing to facilitate it there is not much you can do at all. How old are the children?
I'd reply to your exDIL and say that you'd like to continue contact and if there is any form of contact that she would be happy with. Ask if there is anything you need to stop doing for her to be happy with contact. Be polite. Don't make it about you.
Can you identify anything that might be making you DGC unhappy? Do you talk about their dad, or make comments about their mum's parenting, or tell them how much you miss them and it's unfair you can't see them more? You might not be doing anything wrong at all, of course, but it's worth a think.
I hope you have a good resolution.

MuggleMe · 27/02/2024 21:10

Ultimately you have to step back and respect DIL's wishes. Perhaps pay into a savings account in case of contact in the future, or set up an email account to send messages and photos.

TeaKitten · 27/02/2024 21:12

Why is it upsetting the children OP? Is she willing to provide updates?

coodawoodashooda · 27/02/2024 21:29

That's awful. Can you think of things that would please your dil too? Or visit their home town so it's less trouble for her.

Original poster
ArmelleBou · 27/02/2024 21:44

Thank you, some thoughts to consider. Relationships have been fine.

Yes, we would certainly drive to them, rather than meet half way. When they were married we did often meet them, half way so that we could see each other during the day, rather than an overnight.

The request to stop contact was not expected. We have tried to make sure that we don't push or interfere and have followed her pace and willingness.

It is difficult currently to communicate as she has blocked our phone numbers.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 27/02/2024 21:50

You've got to focus on your son and why he doesn't have contact and not your DIL who clearly has a lot on her plate.

MandyRiceDavies · 27/02/2024 21:54

Tricky one. As GPs you don’t have rights to see your grandchildren.

in your shoes I think I’d just be honest with exDIL and say that you love your DGC, want to keep in touch but appreciate that the gifts etc are causing upset, and try to see if you can come to some arrangement. Do you have any idea why she is preventing your son seeing them? What action is he taking?

On another point, I’d urge you not to go LC with your son over money. Is there more to that?

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 27/02/2024 22:01

Sorry to say it but your son has brought this situation on you. I'd focus on encouraging him to be a better person for the sake of his children. It sounds like their mother is going through a rotten time due to his behaviour.

LocalHobo · 27/02/2024 22:01

The long term solution is seeing the DGC via your son. You say ex-DIL does not have contact with his DC. DiL has frustrated contact so far. Could you help him with ways to manage a regular relationship with his DC?

I can imagine how sad you must feel when you have been nothing but a positive in your DGC's life but your DS should mirror this in his relationship with his children.

coodawoodashooda · 27/02/2024 22:04

LocalHobo · 27/02/2024 22:01

The long term solution is seeing the DGC via your son. You say ex-DIL does not have contact with his DC. DiL has frustrated contact so far. Could you help him with ways to manage a regular relationship with his DC?

I can imagine how sad you must feel when you have been nothing but a positive in your DGC's life but your DS should mirror this in his relationship with his children.

This. What happened?

Geppili · 27/02/2024 22:05

"Our son does not have contact with his DC. DiL has frustrated contact so far. We are low contact with DS due to an unpaid loan."

This is the nub of the problem. Your son owes you money, he probably owes your Dil money and he can't or won't be arsed to see his children. Can you imagine how that feels for the children? They will be grief stricken and will feel abandoned. They need a responsible and involved father.

PerhapsaSillyQuestion · 27/02/2024 22:09

Did you mention theirs dad when you with them?

PerhapsaSillyQuestion · 27/02/2024 22:10

How old is gc.

At the moment I wouldn't panic and I wouldn't push anything.
At the very least you can have a savings account for him which would be a lovely gesture?

BritneyBookClubPresident · 27/02/2024 22:25

Can you write to her? Say you love the DGC and wavy to have a loving healthy relationship. Ask for her ideas on how this can work

Original poster
ArmelleBou · 27/02/2024 22:31

Thanks again.

It really is difficult, we believe our DS should be accountable - including financially. The result of that is low contact - he and us. Other than the DGC’s we are ok with that. Actually, how many times on here do PP’s advise low or no contact!

No, we don't mention ‘daddy’ when we are with them. Low contact means we haven't much to add anyway.

DS does want to see his DC’s. It is very messy and fraught. Agreed contact has been erratic and then non existent as DiL hasn't kept to the agreement. Time between contact has lengthened, routines in place ending.

OP posts:
Goldwakeme · 27/02/2024 22:35

Have you posted this before? It sounds familiar!

LollipopViolet · 27/02/2024 22:54

This does sound familiar...

OP, would your exDIL be open to a conversation about this? If you explain you'd like to maintain a positive relationship with your grandchildren but if the current arrangement is causing upset, could you work together to find a solution?

SavBlancTonight · 27/02/2024 23:08

It seems hard to believe that she has facilitated contact with you for a long time but made co tact for your ds difficult. It suggests to me that there are bigger issues at play and that she has tried to keep those separate to her children's relationship with you. But now she can't anymore for some reason.

That's a real pity, but do you know why she refuses contact to your son, and what, if anything, he has done to try to rectify things and make it right?

MandyRiceDavies · 27/02/2024 23:11

Actually, how many times on here do PP’s advise low or no contact!

Very rarely in the case of a parent. It’s usually the child who is advised to go LC.

MrsKintner · 27/02/2024 23:13

I'm assuming your DIL has good reason to limit contact with your DS seeing as she was allowing you to have contact.
And you are low contact with your DS too so there's obviously some difficult situations in your family.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 27/02/2024 23:34

This has been posted before a while ago basically same story same language. Why ?

Original poster
ArmelleBou · 28/02/2024 09:36

MandyRiceDavies · 27/02/2024 23:11

Actually, how many times on here do PP’s advise low or no contact!

Very rarely in the case of a parent. It’s usually the child who is advised to go LC.

Mmm, not so sure that this is rarely advised for parents. And anyway, he has accepted this too.
He would rather be low contact than accountable to us.

His focus, of course, is trying to see his children. Building up to visits and not having them turn up is soul destroying.

The good advice here is to continue to try and work with our ex DiL so that DGCs don't lose the contact with their paternal family.

I know this will be increasingly difficult as time and lives move on.

OP posts:
houseydncf · 28/02/2024 09:39

Did you post this a few weeks / months ago? I'm sure I've read an identical thread