Missing our grand-child, ideas for keeping in touch appreciated please.

[ArmelleBou]

Relationships ending are sad for all concerned in a family. We have always had the usual loving relationship with our DGC, as does our DGC with US, his aunts, uncles and cousins.

We have maintained contact via our ex DiL for the last three years or so.
This has been through some arranged visits (theatre trips, museum, farm etc) with exDiL and gifts/cards sent at the time of any celebrations. They don't live local to us so we tend to meet up, as a family, half way.

ExDiL has messaged to say that she wants the contact including gifts/ cards to stop as these are upsetting our DGC.

Our son does not have contact with his DC. DiL has frustrated contact so far. We are low contact with DS due to an unpaid loan.

We would like to continue with the relationship, including DGC as part of the family. Any ideas appreciated.

Did your son not go to court to sort access to his kids?

It’s absolutely valid to be LC or NC, and it seems in this case, it’s what both parties want. I do wonder if that influences how much your son is normalising not seeing his only children, however.

Anyway, that’s not your battle; it’s his. It may well be that they frustrate each other or he’s unreliable or it just upsets the DC now, and therefore you by association also upset them.

Start a savings account for the children. Write an annual
postcard or letter but keep it in a box. Maybe start a collection of something they might want as adults - whiskey? Wine? Something that might be valuable if it’s not an interest of theirs.

Contact might come back in time, but that’s a lot less likely if you can’t accept what is best for the children, as she won’t trust you. You just have to trust she’ll be reasonable. You’ve got no legal grounds to try and force it; and it doesn’t sound like it’d be a good idea for the children to try and force your DS to see the DC so you could have contact too when you are LC and admit he doesn’t take responsibility and will would rather cut his parents off than face the music and grow up. It seems he’d rather cut his whole family off.

I have friends whose GC live abroad, they sometimes have video calls to read bedtime stories, or listen to them read after school. Could this work for your DiL, if in person doesn't at the moment?

Yes, the courts are involved. DiL has not kept to contact arrangements so more formal arrangements need to be agreed.

If there are other posts, maybe there are others going through similar. I will have a read.

For this worried about our low contact with DS, we have taken counselling support and professional advice about how to best manage that aspect.

Although you don't have rights as such. You can apply for a court order. A relative did this with their dgc. Where they were given set days to see them on a regular basis.

It was granted as they already had a relationship with dgcs and visits were suddenly stopped. Similar to your situation.

Good luck.

This is confusing. She just doesn't turn up for contact with your DS, but she was (until now) regularly turning up reliably, at some effort, to contact with you?

I think there must be a lot more to this. Why did they break up? And do you know why she refuses to let him have contact with the children? It reads to me like she has issues with your DS and has decided that contact with you does not help her in that.

@ArmelleBou
Seek mediation neutral impartial qualified person from charitable organisation, to act as a go betweenwith both parties,
yourselfs and ex Dil,

just wondering
is there anybody you know who is reasonably emotionally intelligent good family friend etc ,
who could possibly act as go between passing on letters ect to ex Dil ?

Also think 🤔 maybe family therapy or counselling could be beneficial to you in some way in regards of this problematic family dynamics situation you have going on found yourselves in ect too..

What do you think of these thoughts idea then?

@ArmelleBou
Typo mistake word between * ubove

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4979088-replacing-direct-contact-with-our-young-grandson-withany-ideas-appreciated?page=1

You had lots of advice on this on your previous thread last month, and I imagine much of it will be the same this time

How old are the children? when do you give gifts and what do you give?

family court process is stressful (understatement)

dil has a lot to contend with including managing a stable environment for the children

i would recommend you do everything you can to help her keep the stability including

staying clear of anything to do with the children’s father’s case, contact and conduct and making it clear that you will not interfere or be judgemental (even narrating that she is delaying suggests an air of judgement as you can not possibly know everything)

dil might be challenged financially or time wise too

extravagant gifts, emotional gifts (framed photos for example), things that take up space in a small home, things that are not age appropriate
or which break easily, anything which might cause jealousy between the children, might all be difficult -

treats can be better such as a cinema or swimming voucher but most of all just normality and lack of weirdness are best so simply meeting at a venue or doing a short activity and grabbing one photo together will keep the connection and while it may be less than you want it should be enough to meet the children’s needs

Thank you. We have had some advice and counselling to work through this and we did support DiL and DS by paying for couples counselling.

I'm not sure she would attend any mediation with us, but happy to suggest.

Her contact directly with us sort of continued in the same pattern as when she was married to DS, mainly a school holiday meet up or ( at the time) an overnight.

She has remarried and perhaps her time is more limited.

DS and DiL’s marriage was difficult. They both needed someone much more stable. He needed lots of attention and lives his life at pace and she was unable to give to the relationship wanting to spend the vast majority of her time with her friends and family. Perhaps due to his instability or perhaps due to her own?

Sadly, her mum was in hospital due to a suicide attempt, caused by their engagement and the dawning that she would be leaving home. As a single parent, her mum was bereft at being left alone.

I do wonder if DiL holding on to DGCs is part of her experience as a child, her mum holding onto her.

Sorry cross posted with a couple of posters above.

I can't begin to imagine losing contact with my grandchildren. I'd be bereft.

I have no advice that hasn't already been suggested, but you have my empathy and sympathy, OP.

Thank you for your support. Difficult times.

DS and DiL are returning to court. We hope for DGC & DS that contact is resolved and resumes routinely.

We will continue to step back from DS - we have not been involved in any of the court information - and hope that in time DiL reconsider our contact with DGC.