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Original poster

Can a normal happy relationship last if there is no sexual attraction ?

35 replies

Xh129 · 26/02/2024 11:25

Me and DH Married for 12 years 2 dds (7+3)

From the outside we look like the perfect couple. He does his fair share of housework and looks after the children if I need a break. He is very caring and would do anything for me and the girls. However, over the past few years the lack of sexual attraction on my side has dwindled. I have tried everything to see him as someone I want to desire but instead I see him as a best friend whom gives me comfort. I sound like an awful shallow person for saying that and it’s all I think about, it’s honestly torture. I just want the sexy switch to come back on but no matter how hard I try I just don’t fancy him in that way.

I fully understand that relationships go through ups and downs but I am not sure I can ever change how I feel. I’m scared to end things because he is such a fantastic dad and ripping a family apart because of no sexual attraction seems futile.

can anyone please help? Any advice from people who have either ended it or worked through it, did you regret it? Should I trust my gut?

sorry for the ramble

OP posts:
Overtheatlantic · 26/02/2024 11:30

Whatever the reason, the fact is that you have two very young children to consider. Perhaps this isn’t the best time to think about splitting up your family. My parents divorced when I was three and the devastating impact of it is something I’m only coming to terms with in my fifties.

Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 11:57

Thanks for your response, yes ultimately it feels like a very selfish thing to do to young children. I just want them to be happy.

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 26/02/2024 11:58

Do you feel sexual attraction to others?

If not it may be health related - hormonal, side effect of a medication, tiredness, mental health etc

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
LaLaLaLaLolaaa · 26/02/2024 12:05

I have no advice unfortunately but I'm in the same situation so I know how upsetting it feels. Do you fancy other men? For me, it's just my DH that I don't feel sexually attracted to - there are lots of other men that I do fancy. We also have young kids and I don't want to totally uproot their lives, but it's a horrible situation to be in. I hope things work out for you OP.

Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 12:07

@PinkFrogss yes I do have sexual attraction towards other people which makes me feel terrible and that I’m cheating! I enjoy the cuddles and a kiss (peck)with him but anything further makes me wince . I feel my mental health is good at the moment but this gut feeling keeps churning inside me. I wish it would go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 12:09

@LaLaLaLaLolaaa thank you for reaching out, can I ask what your situation is if you don’t mind me asking? If I didn’t have children with him then we would have broken up a while ago but I feel a great responsibility to provide them with a stable upbringing

OP posts:
Rubyrubyrubyruby123 · 26/02/2024 12:12

Do you go on date nights? Make time for each other?

LaLaLaLaLolaaa · 26/02/2024 12:23

@Xh129 Of course. Me and DH have been together for 14 years, married for 6. We have two DCs who are 6 and 4. He's a fantastic Dad, works hard, sensible with money, loyal etc. But I'm just not attracted to him. I used to be, but I would say that I have felt the way I do now for a few years. Maybe it has coincided with us having children, and the attraction will come back as they get older, I just don't know. It's confusing and I spend a lot of time wondering whether I should let him go and find someone who does fancy him as I know he can tell that something's not right.

Do you think your feelings have changed since you had children? Do you spend any time together away from your DCs? My DH and I do try to have at least a day together once a month without the kids around but for me it's not really making me feel any different. It's very difficult and I'm sorry that you feel this way too.

Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 12:57

Yes I think date nights are so important and something we need to start doing, we hardly go on them. Do you think you will keep going until the children are older @LaLaLaLaLolaaa ? I’m so torn. Also I’m a low earner so will be financially crippled 😫

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 26/02/2024 13:03

Xh129 · 26/02/2024 12:07

@PinkFrogss yes I do have sexual attraction towards other people which makes me feel terrible and that I’m cheating! I enjoy the cuddles and a kiss (peck)with him but anything further makes me wince . I feel my mental health is good at the moment but this gut feeling keeps churning inside me. I wish it would go away.

In this situation I think it's best to end it. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they aren't desired. It's not fair in him.

At some point, you will be tempted to have an affair. It's not going to end well

frozendaisy · 26/02/2024 13:05

How would you feel if one day if he turned round and said he needed sex so would it be ok for him to pursue sex elsewhere but remain in every other way a husband and father?

Because by remaining how you are you are in effect creating two sexless lives.

Our relationship had a lull when we had primary school age kids, we talked about it and it came back seemingly stronger than ever.

If you are both happy with how you are it won't become a problem but if one of you becomes unhappy them eventually the relationship will crumble.

MidnightMeltdown · 26/02/2024 13:06

I think that men in this situation usually wait until they meet someone else, and their partner is 'blindsided' by the affair and blame the OW.

If you're not feeling it, then the right thing to do is end the relationship.

SuperCabbage · 26/02/2024 13:12

If you're not sexually attracted to him, would you be happy to have an open relationship where he finds someone else to have sex with?

Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 13:12

I feel separating the family based on this reason alone feels so selfish . I know we both deserve a healthy sex life so I am really trying to make this work. If he wanted sex with other people I would probably let him.

OP posts:
caffelattetogo · 26/02/2024 13:12

It sounds like you're not putting a lot into your relationship. Long term relationships take some work. Go out together, have fun, flirt and see where it gets you. The grass isn't always greener out there.

Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 13:13

@SuperCabbage i have suggested this and he categorically said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xh129 · 26/02/2024 13:15

@caffelattetogo thank you I am going to take this on board . I know I want to give it my all before calling it quits.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 26/02/2024 13:29

I bet this is really common. You can try going out more and recreating things from pre kids. See him with his friends, at work etc so you see him as not so domesticated? Go out have a laugh, get drunk? Go on holiday without the kids? It’s all a lot easier and cheaper than divorce so worth a go

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/02/2024 13:51

MidnightMeltdown · 26/02/2024 13:06

I think that men in this situation usually wait until they meet someone else, and their partner is 'blindsided' by the affair and blame the OW.

If you're not feeling it, then the right thing to do is end the relationship.

Would agree with this. Have seen many threads started by OPs who believed their sexless marriage was happy and that their OH silently agreed sex wasn’t very important, for it to turn out this absolutely wasn’t the case at all.

I think that unless you both have low sex drives / no interest in sex it’s not likely to last - and it’s going to cause more distress to and upheaval for the children if that’s a few years down the line when the break up is the result of an affair, or because you’ve come to resent each other for not being what the other wants or desires. You can be brilliant co-parents apart and it’s far easier to start that from a position of still caring about each other but knowing you’re better apart than via a non-amicable route.

MidnightMeltdown · 26/02/2024 14:00

Newgirls · 26/02/2024 13:29

I bet this is really common. You can try going out more and recreating things from pre kids. See him with his friends, at work etc so you see him as not so domesticated? Go out have a laugh, get drunk? Go on holiday without the kids? It’s all a lot easier and cheaper than divorce so worth a go

I dunno, this seems a bit like saying 'if you look from a sideways angle and squint, then you might start to feel attracted again'

I think that once it's gone it's gone and the relationship won't last

Cornflakelover · 26/02/2024 14:13

Did you actually really really fancy him physically before you had kids
Was he your type of guy that you are attracted to

I have a type and my husband is exactly that type of man that I am attracted to 6ft 4 big , tanned
a shorter guy no matter how nice or good looking he was wouldn’t do it for me physically which makes me shallow but that’s me being honest

I am just asking as I know fair amount of women who “settle” as they want to have kids and settle down.

So the guy is stable and a good provider works hard responsible wouldn’t cheat and would be a good husband and father he’s not repulsive to look at and they like them enough but it’s not that real physical attraction

Generally once the woman’s got what she wants - kids the guy is no longer neccessary so they don’t want to have sex anymore

DreadPirateRobots · 26/02/2024 14:15

A lot depends.

  1. Did your relationship ever have a strong sexual element? Have you typically had a robust sex drive?

  2. Did something specific happen? i.e. a betrayal/loss of trust? How's communication between you, and nonsexual physical intimacy?

  3. Have your hormones shifted significantly recently? Childbirth, going on hormonal contraception, breastfeeding, perimenopau

  4. Have you had a long-term (multiple years) relationship before, and if so, did your sex drive stay robust?

  5. How much sleep and "me time" are you getting?

  6. Is he, generally speaking, as attractive as when you got together? Showered, wears decent clothes, hasn't gained large amounts of weight?

gannett · 26/02/2024 14:18

I suppose the first thing I'd ask is what made the sexual attraction go away? Assuming it was there in the first place (which isn't always the case). What attracted you to him at the start and does he look like that or behave like that any more?

I don't think telling your partner they need to get back in shape (for example) for you to fancy them again is necessarily an easy or nice conversation to have but ultimately he might be thankful for it, if it saves his marriage.

On the other hand if you think the dwindling attraction is down to you, and there's nothing he can do to fix it - it's OK to split. Your children will be OK, probably better than in an increasingly loveless marriage that will blow up eventually anyway (and in a much more toxic way). Separating now, on genuinely amicable terms, and co-parenting healthily is the gift you can give them.

Newgirls · 26/02/2024 14:24

MidnightMeltdown · 26/02/2024 14:00

I dunno, this seems a bit like saying 'if you look from a sideways angle and squint, then you might start to feel attracted again'

I think that once it's gone it's gone and the relationship won't last

Show quote history

I think I agree but also divorce is hard so it’s worth a go? Anyone looks great if no kids, all the time and money in the world avail. Maybe it’s just reality of how long term marriages work

PermanentTemporary · 26/02/2024 14:31

It is worth trying a lot of things rather than divorce - at least feel you've given it your best shot first.

Can't say I've read it myself but I've heard a lot of good things about the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Parel.

And personally if you do feel desire then could you just - express that desire? He's your husband, it's OK to have sex with him just because you're feeling horny and fantasising about someone else