Can a normal happy relationship last if there is no sexual attraction ?

[Xh129]

Me and DH Married for 12 years 2 dds (7+3)

From the outside we look like the perfect couple. He does his fair share of housework and looks after the children if I need a break. He is very caring and would do anything for me and the girls. However, over the past few years the lack of sexual attraction on my side has dwindled. I have tried everything to see him as someone I want to desire but instead I see him as a best friend whom gives me comfort. I sound like an awful shallow person for saying that and it’s all I think about, it’s honestly torture. I just want the sexy switch to come back on but no matter how hard I try I just don’t fancy him in that way.

I fully understand that relationships go through ups and downs but I am not sure I can ever change how I feel. I’m scared to end things because he is such a fantastic dad and ripping a family apart because of no sexual attraction seems futile.

can anyone please help? Any advice from people who have either ended it or worked through it, did you regret it? Should I trust my gut?

sorry for the ramble

You are also not going to divorce and then suddenly be at it with some one you do find attractive... they are few and far between and the reality is you would probably end up with another version of your husband and very damaged from divorce, skint and bitter.
Stick at it, work at it. Sounds like you have one of the good ones.

Yes if you hop over to the dating posts it’s not easy online dating either

Have you read anything by Dr Karen Gurney? I absolutely love her books - they’re essential reading for anyone in a long-term relationship (and her latest book deals with parents specifically).

On the flip side, mine divorced when I was 2 and it barely impacted me at all.

Always worth trying to work through things if you can but spending a lifetime married to someone who you don't find sexually attractive shouldn't be the only option.

OP, do yourself and him a favour and end it. You both deserve better.

I know how you feel OP. I feel the same about my DH. He is wonderful and I love him very much but I just don't really want sex with him. We probably average once a month.

However in my case, I think it's hormonal or the fact I'm absolutely knackered (children are 7 and 4 so vert similar age.) Because I don't fancy/want sex with anyone else either.

In my situation I think we're going through a lull and don't make enough time for one another. We don't do date nights and seem to be permanently exhausted from work and parenting. But he is a wonderful husband and father and I know the grass isn't always greener out there. So it is something I want to work on.

I don't have answers for you unfortunately, but I do think it's common and whilst I don't think people should stay together regardless I think it is something worth working on if he is otherwise a great partner.

He says that he doesn’t want an open relationship and because he’s a decent and honest bloke from what you say, I believe he means it. But eventually a woman will find him attractive and make it known to him. If his self-confidence is low at that point, or he’s feeling a bit subdued, he might be tempted by her. If he then falls for her and wants a relationship with her, you’ve no control because you’ll be divorcing on his timeline.

Lots of “ifs” there, but the upshot is- don’t assume that you can make the decision to continue the marriage as it is and that he’ll acquiesce. He might. He might not. Don’t end up like the women who sometimes post on the Relationships board with, “sex is virtually nonexistent but we were muddling along fine, I’m blindsided by his affair”. You need to prepare mentally and financially for the worst case scenario if you decide to remain married but not have intimacy beyond “a peck”.

There's a Diary of A CEO podcast last week about sexual attraction and sex post kids etc. Really good podcast and the woman he interviewed, British psychologist, gave some really good tips for desire rekindling. She's also written a book specifically for parents of younger kids
podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8xNzE3MDMucnNz/episode/Y2IwY2ZlYmUtNGJmYy0xMWVlLTk1ZDQtOGY1MDJmMTVkOWM3?ep=14

I’ve just been scrolling my saved Tik Toks to find this too! Was really interesting and made so much sense, definitely worth a listen.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply everyone I really appreciate it.

@GreenClock you had hit on something there which I never considered. Sometimes I often wish he would be unfaithful which would give me a valid reason to leave.

its hard to see him as desirable when family life and the emotional day to day toil wears you down