Sleepovers

[Punk4ssBookJockey]

DD wants to have a sleepover for her 12th birthday. She's never had one with friends before - any suggestions on rules / activities or things I should make sure to provide? I'm planning to order pizza and have plenty of soft drinks and snacks available and basically leave them to it cos they are too old for a more structured party but want to have activities DD can suggest or I can introduce if things fall flat or they start arguing.

I'm thinking no phones in the bedroom at any point and phones to be left downstairs after 10 or 11pm (basically whenever I go to bed). Anything else I should be thinking about?

We might go out to the cinema or something early evening to fill some time before coming home to order pizza.

Mine used to sleep in the lounge, they’d pull the cushions off the couches.

Double the amount of food you think you need. And then some.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a strange parent taking my DD’s phone off her in the night - what if she’d needed to call/text me?

Honestly the best way is just provide plenty of snacks/drinks and leave them to it. When we were at the sleepover party stage there was always lots of movie watching, makeovers and games. I often bought face masks for them to use and would cut up cucumbers to have a bit of a ‘spa’ session

My DD is 14 and still loves a sleepover. Pizza is good as well as lots of snacks they can have in the room. Facemasks are a good idea as well. I wouldn't take phones off them, if any anxiety sets in in the night then they want to feel they can contact their parents if needs be. And just leave them too in in the bedroom.

Thanks for the ideas - face masks will be good 🙂 Re the phones, I'm concerned that they are more likely to misuse them late at night (inappropriate photos, egging each other on to go on websites or watch videos they shouldn't etc) Is this a concern for anyone else / how do you deal with it?
The phones wouldn't be locked away, they would be put on a table in the living room or something, so there would be an element of trust that they won't move them after I've gone to bed (I just want the rule about what's acceptable to be clear if they do break it) and therefore accessible if a child needs to call parents in an emergency.

They are 12... I wouldn't take the phones away and when my children have been to other people's houses to sleep it has never happened to them either.

I would just make sure they have plenty of food, drinks, snacks, things like face masks, maybe something like bead kits if your daughter thinks they would like that and just leave them to it. They probably won't sleep much and will be tired the next day.

talk To them and check in on them and let them know you’ll check in on them. They are less likely to use phones inappropriately if they know you’ll be popping in randomly.

don’t expect them to sleep
keep them downstairs so there is less noise
don’t have an odd number, even numbers of girls is better
saturday night is better as it doesn’t ruin the whole weekend
don’t expect or plan to do anything Sunday- leave them to sleep

arrange to have guests picked up 10:30/11 so they can go home and sleep

I wouldn’t take their phones away at 12 years old. You run the risk of word getting around and nobody wanting to attend another one. Not fair on your DD.

I don't think it's appropriate to take phones away / a total overstep on your part - they should be able to readily contact home if they want to (not to all the way downstairs on their own to call "in an emergency" but to easily be able to send a discrete text for reassurance if they want to).

A parent at a sleepover when ours were same age tried to take phones away...and they were all sleeping in an outbuilding not the main house. Got a distressed text and so called the hosting mother - she said she didn't think it would be a problem because she was going to lock them in...without them being able to get out!! When we pointed out the fire risk she hadn't even considered this!

Their phone is their property - you don't have a right to take it away.

I agree with others. I wouldn't take other children's phones away. I'd be quite shocked if someone took my daughter's phone from her when she was away from home. They're no more likely to use it inappropriately at night than any other time, to be honest.
Lots of food, snacks. My DD and her friends like to do make overs, face masks etc. They also like to watch films. They usually have sleepovers either in her room or in the living room (taking loads of duvets, bankers, pillows down).
Prepare yourself for very little sleep. When DD had a 12th birthday sleepover I hear them talking at 5am! Subsequent sleepovers have been the same.

You can't remove a phone from somebody else's 12 year old at night. They are asked by parents to use them to make contact if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

If parents wanted to restrict website access on their child's phone it would already be done.

I'm thinking no phones in the bedroom at any point and phones to be left downstairs after 10 or 11pm

Please don't do this. You have no reason to. I think sleepovers are one of those times you have to accept that rules are relaxed. Nothing will happen on one day of having phones in the bedroom that couldn't happen with them using their phones in the living room.

It has the potential to make your child a target for bullying as well when word gets around that her mummy didn't let them use their phones upstairs.

Taking them away completely is an absolute no. If I sent my child to a sleepover (I actually never did) with their phone I would expect them to be able to use it at any time.

I would have had a fit if someone had taken DS's phone away from him at a sleepover. Plus the bullying stuff other people have mentioned. So not fair on your DD.

Inappropriate photos? Really?
OP if you don’t even trust your DD and her friends not to do something as stupid as that then why are you even having them over? A total overreaction and you sound like ‘that’ parent.

A parent of one of DD’s friends took phones away at a sleepover, also at the age of 12. Funnily enough nobody was ever back at her house for the remainder of secondary school! It left DD feeling very uncomfortable and I was furious - those phones are not your property to take

Thanks @MikeRafone for some good advice 🙂

To others - like I said, DD hasn't had a sleepover before or been to one (combination of Covid and then friendship issues in year 6) so I genuinely didn't know what other parents would think reasonable or if they would be likely to blame me if something goes wrong connected to phone use. My suggestion of keeping phones downstairs came from a place of thinking about safeguarding (part of my job) and as a starting point for a discussion on whether that idea was right or too harsh. I wanted advice on a new situation and got it, thanks.

I asked my daughter's friends if they could put phones away in the evening as they were on them and not chatting to each other but I didn't take them away. I felt like that was reasonable and they were a similar age. It wouldn't bother me at all if someone else took my daughter's phone off her though, I would trust another adult to make this decision if they felt it was wise and they thought it through like you are. It is their house after all.

Really staggered by the negative reaction to a ‘no phones policy’. I am a HOY and have had to deal with innumerable examples of exactly the kind of fallout of which OP is concerned about. Overexcited kids sending messages/photos to others who have not been invited; daring each other to text people they fancy suggestive messages/send nudes. Watching completely inappropriate videos including unpleasant porn and, in one particularly awful instance an ISIS beheading.

In this situation, each child is only as safe as the most relaxed parents’ security settings, and, in my experience this is not very safe at all.

If it is a 12th birthday party, some of those present are likely to be only 11. Not the same at all as with older teens.

I do know what you are thinking op but agree to not take the phones. I think I would really worry about another parent taking my child’s phone away at a sleepover. I wouldn’t let them go again. I think if they are going to be silly they will be silly but I don’t think anyone would blame you for that, whereas taking a phone away, people would be annoyed. I hope your daughter has a lovely sleepover! I have so many fond memories of them in my childhood! Back then we rented videos (showing my age) had loads of sweets and pizza and did face masks! I don’t think much has changed today bar the videos going by nieces and friends kids! If you get in the makings of a pamper night I’m sure they will all be thrilled!

Yes indeed and these are awful examples but the fact is kids can access this stuff at any time of the day. The children I know spend a great deal of time with their friends at that age, usually in their bedrooms. What are you suggesting? That phones are banned for all play dates? It's just not going to happen. Most parents buy their children phones specifically because they want the child to be able to get in touch when they're out. It's completely counterproductive to remove these phones when the children are at their friend's houses.

Do you work at a particularly rough school? DD and her friends would have never acted like that, especially at only 12!! The worst thing to ever come out of a sleepover we’ve hosted or she’s been to is a few over-tired and grumpy girls in the morning..

For an 11/12 yr old on a play date, I would be very wary of them being on phones unsupervised together, yes. I would much rather they think I’m an overly strict parent than go through some of the trauma that I’ve seen professionally. My DS is 13 and not allowed his phone in his room at all. DD is 10.5 and doesn’t have a device at all. Neither are unhappy with this and have busy lives with loads of hobbies and friends.

Not at all - I work at a very normal independent school.
I’m sure the parents of the children I’d been dealing with would have said similar to what you’ve said here.

I also staggered by the negativity around the phone rule. My about to turn 12 year doesn’t have a phone yet but there’s already been some unwanted behaviour on his year group WhatsApp chat (and it’s a lovely independent school, not at all “rough”). I think parents are being very very naive.

What do you think is the alternative then? I don’t believe that taking a child’s phone off them in a stranger’s house in the right way to go about things for safety reasons. What if they have an issue/need to come home in the middle of the night?

If kids really want to see that content then they will find a way of getting it, no matter the time of day or where they are.

Surely they'd either go downstairs and get their phone or wake host parents to use their phone??? That is madness