Sleepovers

[Punk4ssBookJockey]

DD wants to have a sleepover for her 12th birthday. She's never had one with friends before - any suggestions on rules / activities or things I should make sure to provide? I'm planning to order pizza and have plenty of soft drinks and snacks available and basically leave them to it cos they are too old for a more structured party but want to have activities DD can suggest or I can introduce if things fall flat or they start arguing.

I'm thinking no phones in the bedroom at any point and phones to be left downstairs after 10 or 11pm (basically whenever I go to bed). Anything else I should be thinking about?

We might go out to the cinema or something early evening to fill some time before coming home to order pizza.

My own children aren’t allowed electronics in their bedroom. They leave devices downstairs to charge overnight. If a friend needed to call their mum in the night, they’d be perfectly free to go downstairs, get their phone and make a phone call or send a text.

If I want my child to have a phone to be able to contact me whilst at somebody else’s house then she will have it, end of. Not madness, just basic safety.

I now understand why our school has a complete ban on phones on residentials. If I was a teacher I just couldn’t be putting up with this sort of shit from parents when there’s children’s safety to consider.

I’m quite surprised that so many people seem to think their 12 year old might NEED to contact them in an emergency in the middle of the night. Surely if it’s an actual emergency the adult having the sleepover will be woken and will deal with it. Phoning parents if required.
Did none of you have sleepovers as kids? Did you have a mobile?
Personally I would not have an issue with my child being asked to keep her phone downstairs once they are sleeping. I would not expect my Dd to contact me, I’d expect a phone call from the adult.

What danger do you anticipate her being in that the adult responsible for her can’t deal with? Surely if if she is actually not safe then the grown up who is actually there should be handling it.
If you consider her to be at risk from the adults in the house the she shouldn’t be going at all.

DD once needed to ring me as she didn’t feel safe in the friend’s house they were all staying at that night due to her mum getting drunk and having a fight with her partner. Would you really expect a phone call from the adult in that situation? No.

As everyone else has said above, if you trust another parent enough for them to have care of your child overnight, surely you would feel comfortable with your child asking them to make a phone call or even waking them in the night if necessary? We did not have any other way of contacting our parents in the 90s! Why would you think that your child is going to need to do this at the house of people you trust?

As for all children being able to seek out porn/violence if they want to, this is simply not true if you have sensible controls/filters. It is true if they have unsupervised access to another child’s phone which doesn’t have these same controls. There was an interesting study about this in TES not long ago. For most kids, the first time they view porn is in somebody else’s home. I don’t want it to be mine any more than I want my child viewing it in yours.

As a PP has said, residential trips are now a nightmare for teachers if parents expect to be able to contact their child 24/7.

I would prefer for a parent to take all tech away at night and would respect them far more tbh. I don't have stranger's DC to stay. I make it clear to all DC to wake me up under any circumstances and I will help/take them home what ever time it is.

I would be glad not to have DC over or let my DC stay at houses where tech is not appropriately monitored for under 13s. My DC has to use tech downstairs.

Could you compromise and let them keep their phones but turn the WiFi off at 10pm? At 12, most kids don’t have huge data bundles so rely more on WiFi for their internet.

Anyway, in response to your original question, OP, your party idea sounds fab. A trip to the cinema, then pizzas, then play it by ear with the option for face masks, doing nails etc. DD (a bit younger) was at a party last night where they played daft party games such as eating a chocolate bar with knife and fork. They also made up dance routines and did each other’s hair from YouTube videos. She had a great time and it reminded me of my own sleepovers.

Not true and this is the problem that schools face - most kids have enough data that turning off the Wi-Fi or having restrictions/filters on that has no effect.

I’m going to bow out of this chat now but would recommend the Parent section on the Think U Know website and CEOP’s resources.

My DD is late teens but went to a sleepover a month ago. Four of them and the parents have a little summer house in the garden with a Wii in it so they camped out there and did those dance things! Stayed up til 6am and had a great time.
I'd just choose a couple movies with your daughter to make sure they are available and provide plenty of food, popcorn and leave them to it. I wouldn't worry about phones.

Seriously…what harm do you think a 12 year old will come to at a sleepover ,if mobile phone is not in their hand all night ? !!! I have had so many children to our house for sleepovers stretching over many years . Never had to call a parent for an emergency etc. Thankfully mobile phones were not such an appendage then .

Taking their phone off them at night won't go down well, I'd be surprised if any of them wanted to stay the night with that rule in place. I would speak to their parents ahead of time and float that idea past them, but many parents would expect their kids to have their phones on them throughout a sleepover. I joked about taking my niece & her friends' phones off them for long enough for them to choose what they wanted to order for dinner, my niece said to her friends "don't worry she's joking" and her friends all replied with variations of "oh good because I would just ask to go home if she was serious".
For what it's worth, at that age my niece seemed to use her phone at sleepovers to call/text any friends that couldn't make it to the sleepover, watch silly videos online and to take selfies.
I would let them sleep in the lounge if there's space, they can make it all cosy in with blankets and pillows on the floor, and also it's easier to keep an eye on them (less obvious that you're keeping an eye on them as you walk about downstairs/pop downstairs "for a glass of water" in the night).
Activities - face masks, Netflix and loads of snacks, makeup.

Don't remove phones. I'd be fuming if my kids phones were removed.
I also wouldn't impose such a rule on others.

But yes to pizza. Then they sort their own fun. Music, snacks etc to hand
No set bedtime. Be prepared for not much sleep!

18 years experience in sleepovers prob had around 50? And only 1 bad one where kids argued constantly

Thoughts re: phones - our primary has had problems with some yr5s (that's 9 and 10 year olds) showing inappropriate content to other kids on the walk to or from school. So i think a concern about what a group of 12 year olds might end up looking at late at night and away from any adult supervision is valid.

My yr 5 DD has a phone but it's not a smart phone.

I would be genuinely concerned about my DD at a sleep over where smart phones were allowed in the bedroom all night.

I'm another one who can't fathom why 12 year olds need multiple phones overnight. I'd be much happier for them to enjoy an evening together without phones.

Nobody is saying they need them. People are saying that OP had no right to remove another child's phone.

Basic safety??? Seriously??

You think a 12 year old who might need to make a phonecall in the middle of the night would be unable to go downstairs to living room/kitchen/wherever to retrieve their phone and call their parents? If you think that would be the case then why on earth let your child sleep over?

If you think it's not safe for a child to sleep in a room without a phone then surely you wouldn't allow your child on a sleepover?

Basic safety has really cracked me up.

Honestly I think a parent not allowing a child to sleep without a phone in their hand is actually, well mad might be a bit strong, but you know a bit troubled in their perception of safety.

It seems quite clear that the OP is just a normal mother and not some weirdo and will have no problem with a child going downstairs to call their parents in the middle of the night.

I don't think she wanted to remove them just didn't want them on phones upstairs overnight whilst other kids could have been sleeping. Not removing them at all. Just not letting them take them into the bedroom.

Locking phone away is totally different to telling the kids to leave them downstairs on the kitchen table

@NoKnit

Read the OP again

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a strange parent taking my DD’s phone off her in the night - what if she’d needed to call/text me? seriously 😐

Agree! No wonder children are so screwed up now

I wouldn’t take phones away but I have stopped sleepovers because of them.

My dd is only 10, but we have had an instance of a “best friends” sleeping over and posting photos of dd getting dressed and sleeping to Snapchat.

We only knew when the teacher called us in and told us. I was so upset. Another parent had seen the photos when checking her sons phone and went straight to the school as she didn’t know us to tell us.

My dd doesn’t have any social media or a phone so it was a shock they are doing this sort of shit so young.

This was a child who had spent a lot of time with us, she had done it in a vindictive way, it was just horrible for dd.

So bear in mind what sort of crap goes on these days. I’m glad I am so old I didn’t even have a brick of a mobile until
I was 18.

Surely if it’s an actual emergency the adult having the sleepover will be woken and will deal with it. Phoning parents if required.
Did none of you have sleepovers as kids? Did you have a mobile?

My thoughts exactly. Managed just fine at sleepovers as a kid and certainly didn’t have a mobile, used to just speak to the Mum if wanted to call home/get picked up.

I think if you are going to leave phones downstairs, just let the parents know your rule beforehand. I agree with others saying to sleep on the front room too