How to tell her nicely? (autism related)

[circlesand]

I run a regular social hobby club - think something like a bridge night.

There's a woman who has started attending who is autistic. She's lovely, I like her and we get on well, and I want her to keep coming as it's clearly beneficial for her socially.

The problem is, she is very domineering in the group when we are doing the activity. She takes charge and tells people what to do (even if they are experienced and know already), she's very loud, and gets quite impatient if people aren't doing things in a very structured way/ how she thinks it should go.

These are obviously traits of her autism and it's clear that she can't understand social cues, but other people are starting to getting a bit irritated by it.

I want everyone to enjoy themselves and of course I want her to feel included and welcome, but everyone else as well. I was thinking about having a quiet word with her but I just don't know how to frame it or what to say if I do. I certainly don't want to upset her or make her feel she is unwelcome.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I would suggest not opening your mouth.

I cannot see any way that it would be ok to say anything.

But if she doesn't, other people might start to leave.

@3luckystars Yeah, that's my thinking at the moment really and I don't want to upset her.
It's just tough for the other people who are are being told what to do as if they are children. It's a tricky one.

Are you the group leader? Only then could you say that you'd had a few complaints, and her enthusiasm is great etc. but people come just for fun and are finding her a bit overbearing...

I think you need to be really clear and direct with her out of the group situation, and see what her reaction is. Hopefully she is receptive and you can remind her in the club situation

I would suggest giving her a written list of "rules".

You could set some group rules for everyone to follow. State them very clearly to everyone and make sure there are written visually as you go through them (autism very often includes auditory processing difficulties hence needed visual reminders). Keep the group rules up. Refer back to the group rules every time there is loudness or interruption etc (for everyone).

If it continues, then have a 1:1 chat and ask if she needs more accommodation in the group?

Yes I lead the session but I do also see her in social situations outside of this group. I think she wants to be my friend - we've bought each other drinks in the pub etc, which is nice. So I don't want to crush that as I think she's had some tough experiences with friendship in the past. I want to be supportive.

Do the people she's bossing about not say anything to her? If that was me, I'd be firm but polite (at first).
"Thanks, we know what to do."
"We can do it this way, it's fine." etc.
I wouldn't wait for the group leader to say something. But if no-one is standing up for themselves then you probably do need to have a word.

Well you've just given an example of how rude not to be!

@jarpotato I wondered about group rules, but it seems very formal for everyone else on what is supposed to be a fun social Friday night activity - and there is nobody else in the group who needs anything like that. It feels a bit imposing?

I think you do need to say something otherwise others might stop coming. People go to clubs to have fun, not be bossed about. If it were me I’d just find a different club to go to.

Everyone else will probably realise why you have set them. They will quite possibly welcome them.

OP you sound lovely. I hope you get sorted

I’m sorry I didn’t realise you were the group leader, that does change things.

I agree with the rules, and visual rules would be excellent. Helpful for everyone.

I’d also try to bring in turn taking situations, even if it is taking turns picking a song or something very small. Good luck.

She takes charge and tells people what to do (even if they are experienced and know already), she's very loud, and gets quite impatient if people aren't doing things in a very structured way/ how she thinks it should go.

If you are the clear teacher/leader, have some key phrases to hand that include her and the person she's bossing.
'I think Maria is already familiar with how to do this'
'this technique works well for Emily, so I don't think she needs to change anything'
'i believe that Rachel already knows how to do this don't you Rachel?'

You need to lead and show the other members that you're on this.

Yes I agree that most people will understand why 'the rules' have been set, and who they are mostly aimed at.

Also agree that you sound lovely OP!

Can you just implement a rule that if anyone wants input they ask? If she is good at the hobby she probably has valuable insight for people when they need help. Then when people don't want help, they shouldn't have to worry about anyone else in the group taking over,not specific to anyone.

Group rules is a great idea. Keep in mind that for many autistic people's they don't realize the directions given to the group also apply to them so printing them out and handing a set out each so she has them in front of her is important.

I know my autistic DD takes it very personally if you address something like this and might see it that she's doing everything wrong, people are getting at her etc opposed to the helpful support it was intended as perhaps as she's fairly new you could pair it with a 'starter kit' to welcome her to the group so she feels included and doesn't take it as a personal slight.

Her enjoyment doesnt trump others just because she is autistic

@Singleandproud that's so funny because my daughter (who is autistic) likes to be explicitly told how to interact, she is only 12 though

I wonder if the set of rules could help, many autistic people have a demand avoidant tendency so having something external - in this case, "the rules" - to hang it on would be better than saying do / do not do that. I think you need to take the lead as class leader but you can blame it on other factors eg "as we are getting so much bigger" or "because we've had some new members".

It doesn't have to be overly formal, it can be like a group culture type thing.

You sound lovely OP. Could you get her included in part of the leading/organising? She obviously has those skills and might be better is she was directed rather than doing her own thing? You could then bring up any bossy behaviour by modelling how you approach it yourself. Like I tried to help Jane with technique once and she told me she didn't like it. Or I find it best to let people develop their own game etc.

Having known personally and worked with 100s of autistics, the fact that she’s autistic isnt the issue. Talking over others, being impatience etc are all signs that she has ADHD. You could develop a friendship with her and broach this subject and how meds might help.

As others have highlighted, social groups police themselves and it’s up to those she’s socialising with to let her know if her disability repeated behaviour bothers them. Others in the group might have friends or relatives with ADHD and have more compassion for this persons behaviour and needs. If group members need help with maintaining their boundaries whilst other being sympathetic to others disabilities needs you could chat to them outside of the group or send out a help guide on phrases they could use.

If she struggles with impulsivity and being distracted group rules certainly won’t help as her disability needs mean she won’t be able to control herself for long enough to stick to them.You also need to work on your rigid thinking around there being a right and wrong way to socialise.

Could you get her included in part of the leading/organising

No!
That would immediately make the other participants feel less valued. The person who bosses and irritates them gets rewarded with extra power to do what annoys them most? OP would have a mass exodus on her hands.

@distinctpossibility yes my DD is the same, loves rules to follow but if she found out she had been breaking unknown to her rules (perhaps obvious to others) she'd be very upset with herself and take it personally but like your DD she is a teen and might mellow in time.