How to tell her nicely? (autism related)

[circlesand]

I run a regular social hobby club - think something like a bridge night.

There's a woman who has started attending who is autistic. She's lovely, I like her and we get on well, and I want her to keep coming as it's clearly beneficial for her socially.

The problem is, she is very domineering in the group when we are doing the activity. She takes charge and tells people what to do (even if they are experienced and know already), she's very loud, and gets quite impatient if people aren't doing things in a very structured way/ how she thinks it should go.

These are obviously traits of her autism and it's clear that she can't understand social cues, but other people are starting to getting a bit irritated by it.

I want everyone to enjoy themselves and of course I want her to feel included and welcome, but everyone else as well. I was thinking about having a quiet word with her but I just don't know how to frame it or what to say if I do. I certainly don't want to upset her or make her feel she is unwelcome.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Has she told you that she is autistic?

If she has then I think you could be direct with her, but kindly and in private. "Jane please don't tell people where to sit when they come in as they are allowed to choose." My understanding- and please correct me if I am wrong if anyone has better understanding- is that autistic people struggle to understand unwritten social norms. Therefore you need to tell her what those are and what she needs to do to follow them.

If she hasn't told you or you think it rather than know it, I'd be a little more gentle but I'd still tell her.

You've also got to think about the impacts of what you do on other people.

If I was a member of a casual social hobby group, I'd find it weird and off putting to get a printed list of rules and I'm afraid it would put me off going.

When this person told you she was autistic, did she say anything about how this affects her? That may be a way in - starting with what she herself has told you about how she understands herself.

I get what others are saying about social groups policing themselves, but if someone is treating people in a way they don’t like, people will eventually leave. Or worse, someone might snap and say something very cruel to this participant. So I can see why the facilitator might want to intervene gently & compassionately before things get to that point.

I don’t think it serves anyone well who has a social communication disability not to try to support them to interact in a way that will help them maintain the social activities they want to participate in. If the group collapses because people don’t want to spend their free time being bossed around and controlled during an activity they like to do for fun, then nobody benefits.

I think the idea of written group rules, or a jointly agreed set of ‘community guidelines’ might be helpful.

The woman who started our book group is really bossy. She used to be a teacher, so I guess she's used to telling everyone what to do. Also I think she thinks it's "her" group because she started it.

It's really cringe making when she does it. So un-self aware!

I don't think she's autistic. I can't imagine anyone mentioning it! 🤣

I also work with autistic and neurodivergent people and have never referred to them as, nor heard them called "autistics" as in your post. How crass.

By dismissing her behaviour as nothing to do with her autism and saying it's actually ADHD is not helpful. You don't know whether she has ADHD and actually, many autistic people (children and adults) I've met behave in the same manner as the lady at OP's group and that isn't a result of ADHD. It is simply their autism presenting as inability to read social cues.

OP you sound so caring and thoughtful. I agree with the PPs suggestions of clear rules for all, which you can then gently refer back to. Good luck.

I would not do this - she will wonder who exactly has said this and feel unwanted by the group.
If you are group leader when she is talking in this way just be matter of fact and say "X thank you for your advice but this is XX's experience and I think its important we give them some space to enjoy it as they wish"

I’m autistic I’d be mortified if I found out I’d upset people. Being chatted to gently would help me to understand where I was going wrong, but I’d probably be so embarrassed I wouldn’t come back.