Comment at work

[toomuchick]

I've name changed for this.

I work in a very male environment, some of the talk is a bit close to the bone, would be very frowned upon in other industries. Lots of 'banter'.

I have worked hard to get respect and treated as an equal over the years.

I usually close my ears or just leave the room if the chat gets too much, but today it was directly to me.

We were talking about choking and how to respond in an emergency, he said I only get that when I'm in their mouth, so just step back due to length. The whole room was laughing. I went red and left the room. I feel like I should have handled it better and feel pathetic for going red.

Reluctant to complain as I think I would be ostracised and feel more intimidated. I have to see this group on my own a lot and go away with them on business.

@bottomsup12 Speak to HR they'll only bully you if you say something face to face

Is OP not capable of standing up to colleagues she knows well?? Are they really going to bully her??

@toomuchick if you have an HR dept, by all means log it with them - and make it an official complaint if you think the men are going to bully you (??🙄)
but also tell the men involved you don't find it acceptable. They will usually respect the fact that you have been straight and up front?

Only you can judge this in your situation at work. Sometimes they just carry on sexist remarks but behind your back. Sometimes they've said things to see how far they can go. Or because they've just not thought at all!.

The thing is not what THEY are willing to accept, just because it's a male-dominated workplace - it's what YOU'RE willing to listen to in the workplace.

I've worked for many years in a 'male-dominated' environment and have learned to speak up when I need to. My (male) co-workers are now more careful what they say in front of me (.......... don't know what they say behind my back tho 😂)

IME Men usually appreciate straight talking from a woman in a male-dominated work environment - men will push the boundaries to see what a woman will accept. Sad, but true.

I work with all men and the conversation can occasionally be jokey crude, usually if it goes too far, I just tell them firmly it’s too far and to rein it in, they say sorry and do so/ It very seldom goes too far though, it can be close to the bone, but more it’s funny banter. It really will be someone who has drunk to much thinking they are being funny.

the thought did cross my mind as I was out with them all last week that I was the only woman in a group of ten, as usual, and lots of booze, and I wondered how other women would feel in that social setting, it doesn’t really bother me at work, but I am occasionally aware of it when we have a team dinner.

if you’re uncomfortable in speaking up, speak to the manager first off, just say you don’t mind banter but this is what was said and it’s going too far. If the manager doesn’t resolve, then hr.

However if you can find it in you to say oi that’s enough, or not funny , or friggen rein it in, then I find that is the best first step in putting a stop to it. You should not be made to feel uncomfortable, I just tell them straight but I don’t leave blood on the table, and it tends to be a successful approach as I’m absolutely sure they are way more circumspect if I’m listening.

@ChowChowuaua Yes? A small group of work friends having lunch. Not in the workplace where you know some people will be uncomfortable

No! Not right anywhere! eeek! How can you think it's right for men to ever say this even within 'a small group of work friends having lunch'

Yeah, I don't see a problem with a selected small group of friends making a sex joke. Nothing eek about it. Not that big a deal what people laugh about in their lunch break outside of work premises.

The workplace in an office is entirely different. You don't make sexualised jokes in a professional setting. People don't want to hear it.

@ChowChowuaua a selected small group of friends making a sex joke

It's a group of men making a joke against women - whether it's in public or in private, do you not see the greater harm in that?
I have many male friends who talk openly .... but I would have felt uncomfortable with a remark like that!

I think it just perpetuates the narrative that women are there there for the gratification of men. You may think differently.

There is a difference between sexual 'banter' and sexual crudeness/crossing the line - these men knew they were crossing the line. But they said it in front of OP to see how far they could go.

OP knew they were crossing the line and that's why she felt uncomfortable.

You think there was nothing wrong.

Some men will never change their way of thinking while some women enable it.

What? , absolutely not! I meant it is easy for others to say , answer back, find a cutting quip, challenge directly , call it out. But actually it's really hard to do that and often the response you get is that you've got a problem. I said talk to a colleague or manager or move because I don't think it's the individuals responsibility to challenge this on their own.

I would have just stared at him with a blank impression.

^

Yup.

Length?? You??

Then laugh

I am ready armed with what to say next time. Along the lines of that's enough, you've crossed a line. Will see if that stops it. Thanks all, just annoyed at myself for not doing that yesterday.

I work in a make environment too but over the years I've put clear boundaries in place and they never ever direct anything sexual towards me.

They even know not to do 'toilet talk' around me.

It's hard to do but I always respond and tell them to shut up, grow up, call them idiots, tell them o don't want to hear it. That type of thing. Can also join in when it's just friendly banter.

I agree, that was a disgusting thing for him to say. A simple 'don't speak to me like that' and a death stare would do it!

Not true
I have tried in the past actually stating before they get to that stage "you are going too far, I will report you" and "your about to cross a line, I suggest you stop now" always said with a smile (of course we have to fucking smile when we're being denigrated) and once when I heard homophobic stuff I stood up quickly, my chair scraped and said "my daughter is gay, thanks for your opinion on this "

I would rather say it to their face, then if I have to report them, they know fine well it was me. If they are in the wrong, then they wont report you. Usually the above works and stops them saying any more shite to me at least. I'm never outwardly angry, so they cant call me names, say I'm taking it too personally etc.
Inside I'm bloody raging but they will never know that.

If they carry on after a warning, then its on them. And I would happily report to HR and happily record them on my phone.

I work in an entirely male environment. That sort of comment doesn’t bother me - I’d just say ‘in your dreams’ & noticeably roll my eyes or something. But I agree with a pp if the conversation is too much & crosses my boundaries I explain very clearly why I don’t like it. Direct is good!

We have a few Andrew Tate fans on the team so I explain which bits of what he says that I have problems with. I also tell them when I think their partners wouldn’t like what they are saying. I also tell them when I think they are displaying toxic masculinity - and remind the gentler souls it is okay & manly to be sweet & kind!

I think if you told them directly that the comment made you feel uncomfortable they would almost certainly tone it down. He would have been showing off to his mates in the tedious way men do - and ime once pointed out it’s a bit too much the more respectful side comes out. And if he continues to be a dick & they know you don’t like it I guarantee at least some of the others will tell him to wind him in & any conversations without you there will include the opinion that he was disrespectful.

If that doesn’t work & it escalates then HR, but I honestly don’t think you will need to.

Good grief what a shame (on them) , these groups of men need someone to help them manage their behaviour at work and to tell them where the line is.