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Original poster

Does anyone know what a domestic abuse awareness course entails? Can I get your opinion on it being an option here?

27 replies

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 19:59

Very long story short my dd went through a horrendous relationship recently, it's been so difficult to watch and try to guide her through, eventually her ex got charged with domestic abuse, amoung other things.

The police called and asked my thoughts about keeping the charges on file, having him complete a DA course to a certain standard over the course of a year. If he fails to attend or pass the course the charges will be pursued.

My absolute main concern is my dd, so this would save her going through a court case, and also potential future victims, so if he is aware and passes this course then another girl won't suffer this awful situation.

I asked, and they said it would have a lot of victim impact stuff in it, and that it was through SS or that they are involved somehow anyway there was a lot to take in on the call.

I'm going tomorrow to sign a couple of things and will discuss it then, but meantime what do you think, I'm too close to see this clearly.

OP posts:
multivac · 19/02/2024 20:25

This sounds like Cara (projectcara.org.uk/). It's a fantastic intervention, if he engages with it.
I'm so sorry your daughter went through this; your generosity in even thinking of others who might go through the same if he doesn't change speaks volumes x

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 20:39

Thank you for that, what they described does sound very similar to that. That particular one isn't run in my area but I'm going to have a good read of it and try and see things clearly.

There's one side of me that sees the way he tore my beautiful daughter down into thinking she was worthless and I want him to be absolutely punished.

The main part of me just wants the lad to get help so another girl doesn't have to feel the way she did.

I'm trying to disassociate almost and see the troubled young lad he is, with a difficult family life, but it's so tough when it's your kid who's been hurt because of it.

OP posts:
multivac · 19/02/2024 20:42

I hear you. For what it's worth, if the intervention is successful, he will effectively punish himself. And if it's not... the system will kick back in. And in either case, your daughter should be safe now, and can start rebuilding her life x

MiltonNorthern · 19/02/2024 20:44

Agree with the above. If he engages it will make a difference to him and women he meets in future. If he doesn't, hopefully he will be back in court.

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 20:48

multivac · 19/02/2024 20:42

I hear you. For what it's worth, if the intervention is successful, he will effectively punish himself. And if it's not... the system will kick back in. And in either case, your daughter should be safe now, and can start rebuilding her life x

In the last 3 weeks she has new hair, new clothes, back with her friends again... honestly a joy to have my daughter back. She has been sleeping in y bed and constantly messaging when we aren't together for reassurance, but she's getting there.

The thing that sparked her realising was actually doing the freedom programme.

I wrote her a terrible text stating what I thought of him, unfortunately, not my finest hour, but I was so worried, and that sparked a discussion and I said she could continue to see him under certain conditions if she completed it, she did, and saw the light thankfully.

It's been a time if it that's for sure.

Anyways having read about that programme I'm going to agree that's the best way forward for him.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 20:52

MiltonNorthern · 19/02/2024 20:44

Agree with the above. If he engages it will make a difference to him and women he meets in future. If he doesn't, hopefully he will be back in court.

I'm slightly worried he won't, I asked for the police to warn him off initially, which they did, and then he wrote dd a long message about how he took it as a compliment that she involved the police and then left a suicide note blaming her (although he didn't try anything at all).

He's very dillusional, but the fact SS are involved to some degree, and he is getting put forward for this course is promising. Dd has a loving and supportive family, the next girl may not.

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Icedlatteplease · 19/02/2024 20:56

Fuck me I wouldn't even consider it.

What exact benefit does your DD get? I suppose not having to testify in court but that's about it.

He gets to completely get away with it. If he has children the violence is essentially undocumented, Future partners have no way of knowing

Very much sounds like some "misguided" police person has had a "Poor man! What a shame one accident will effect his whole life...." moment.

WarningOfGails · 19/02/2024 20:58

How old are they?

Icedlatteplease · 19/02/2024 21:04

Long term evidence for the success of any offender program historically has also been poor. Even if there was a reduction in violence there was an increase in other non physical abuse but this would be measured as success.

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 21:06

Dd is 15, he is 16, that's why the police are asking me to make the choice, he's had a turbulent upbringing, I know that.

@Icedlatteplease I do sort of feel the same way, dd is pretty fragile about the whole thing currently. I do think, given his age, there's a chance for him to turn things around with support. But I also want to see him burned at the stake for what he did to my baby. I'm trying to take emotion out of this right now though.

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Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 21:08

Icedlatteplease · 19/02/2024 21:04

Long term evidence for the success of any offender program historically has also been poor. Even if there was a reduction in violence there was an increase in other non physical abuse but this would be measured as success.

It wasn't physical violence, it was controlling behaviour, bringing my dd down and making her feel worthless, harrassment, stalking, suicide threats and blaming her, telling her what to wear, that she couldn't look at certain people, she couldn't socialise with certain people etc.

I believe that it would have turned violent eventually however.

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Icedlatteplease · 19/02/2024 21:26

Does it need your DD to testify to get a conviction?

The only way I would even vaguely consider it if actually testifying would do your DD irreparable harm.

Abusers don't stop. So frankly I wouldn't even consider it from his point of view

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 21:36

Icedlatteplease · 19/02/2024 21:26

Does it need your DD to testify to get a conviction?

The only way I would even vaguely consider it if actually testifying would do your DD irreparable harm.

Abusers don't stop. So frankly I wouldn't even consider it from his point of view

I would think she would have to testify,

There's loads and loads of text evidence, multiple accounts of his, emails, witnesses etc, but the main part has been her testimony.

Due to his age and being a first conviction I would imagine he would get community service or a fine maximum, this way he is under supervision for a year and learns about what he has done and how it impacts victims, I feel like an education would be better than a pointless fine, only if he engages and it actually sinks in though. They made it very clear if I took this path that they are very strict about engagement and passing, and this will get taken to court if he drops out or he doesn't pass.

Maybe I'm being naive. If he was older it would be a no brainer for me.

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Coffeesnob11 · 19/02/2024 21:51

Sorry but most of these courses aren't worth the paper they are written on. Most abusers are great liars and will say anything to pass i actually believe in some cases it helps them be better abusers. I have never heard of anyone failing a course, carcass don't measure post course reoffending.

RunningThroughMyHead · 19/02/2024 21:56

I may be completely wrong here but I class abusers in the same way as paedophiles; they don't change. Whilst it's lovely to think a course could make him treat future partners with respect and kindness, I highly doubt it.

The safest outcome for women is for him to be behind bars.

WarningOfGails · 19/02/2024 22:00

I would take the course. He’s young enough to change I think... I’m assuming he’s coming from a place of abuse and trauma himself.

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 22:07

He is from an abusive background, no role models, 16 now n/c with one parent, the other has neglected him for years..... I felt for the kid until I saw how he was treating my daughter.

I'm 100% sure he wouldn't end up behind bars for what he's done. So the options are pretty much this course and SS support, or go to court and maybe a fine and community service.

I'm not sure a fine he couldn't pay and community service would do much good either.

Dd is safe and away from.him now which is the main thing for her, but looking to the future what's the best option for his next girlfriend, is a fine going to make him a better person? Probably not? Is this course and SS involvement? Potentially.

As I say its the age that's throwing me, if he was 30 it wouldn't even be a question, but 16, first relationship, maybe?

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WarningOfGails · 19/02/2024 22:15

I agree with you. FWIW I work in this area, although back office, not frontline, but I think my frontline colleagues would say the same.

WarningOfGails · 19/02/2024 22:15

Agree as in, this option has the potential for change, at this point in his life.

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 22:47

WarningOfGails · 19/02/2024 22:15

Agree as in, this option has the potential for change, at this point in his life.

Thank you, I really do hope so.

Hopefully early intervention stops this happening to someone else.

On balance I think I'll ask for this option rather than court.

Thanks for the opinions everyone.

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Gilead · 19/02/2024 22:58

My Dh was arrested and charged for coercive and controlling behaviour. He hasn’t changed from what I hear, but he’s in his fifties. I think at 16, if there’s a chance he’ll change direction and it saves your dd going to court, it seems a sensible option.

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 19/02/2024 23:04

Gilead · 19/02/2024 22:58

My Dh was arrested and charged for coercive and controlling behaviour. He hasn’t changed from what I hear, but he’s in his fifties. I think at 16, if there’s a chance he’ll change direction and it saves your dd going to court, it seems a sensible option.

I'm so sorry you went through that, its absolutely soul crushing.

I hope your life is peaceful and happy now.

It's definitely the age thing that has me here. If he was even 10 years older I wouldn't consider a chance, but 16 I hope he can turn it around with education.

OP posts:
Gilead · 20/02/2024 05:36

@SausageChopsBellyFlops thanks, I escaped a few years ago and am safe and happy. 💐

Icedlatteplease · 20/02/2024 08:11

Best option for future partners is without doubt him having a record so it is possible they know.

I wouldn't touch or want any daughter of mine anywhere near a domestic offenders course attendee. Problem is there is no record.

Original poster
SausageChopsBellyFlops · 20/02/2024 08:40

Icedlatteplease · 20/02/2024 08:11

Best option for future partners is without doubt him having a record so it is possible they know.

I wouldn't touch or want any daughter of mine anywhere near a domestic offenders course attendee. Problem is there is no record.

As he's 16 it wouldn't go on his adult record from my understanding?

I fully get what you're saying, I would love to tattoo his head with the word 'abuser' unfortunately my options are very limited here.

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