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Original poster

Please give me some sentences to say so social worker will take me seriously over my mum?

41 replies

Mirandawrongs · 19/02/2024 19:33

I’m so fed up.

mum lives with me and she’s become more and more ill in past few years.
copd, dementia and bpd, all are why she lives with me.
She’s so ill now. In and out of hospital and I need help!
social worker brushes off my concerns and I’m just left bereft.
shes 74 and hates me, I have no life or respite.
please help

OP posts:
Nousernamesavaliable · 19/02/2024 19:39

This is going to sound horrible...but the next time she is in hospital refuse the discharge, tell them.ypu have reached crisis and a proper support plan needs out in place.
Social workers will not help until crisis as been reached, they can arrange a temp respite and even placement in nursing homes etc.

Hermittrismegistus · 19/02/2024 19:40

Either refuse to have her back form hospital or tell the social worker you are evicting her.

Hidingthegoodchocolate · 19/02/2024 19:40

Could you get proper support to talk to the social worker, through an association like Age Uk, or a dementia or COPD charity? Is there specialist nurse who works with your parent, who would help you communicate with the social worker?

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MILTOBE · 19/02/2024 19:40

That sounds really tough.

How old are you? What kind of work do you do?
Is the house rented or on a mortgage? Whose name is on the documents?

Do you have any feelings for her? Has she ever been a good mum to you?

SKG231 · 19/02/2024 19:41

Be honest. Tell them you are at breaking point and if she continues to live with you it’s going to have a huge effect on your mental health.

Prawncow · 19/02/2024 19:42

Nousernamesavaliable · 19/02/2024 19:39

This is going to sound horrible...but the next time she is in hospital refuse the discharge, tell them.ypu have reached crisis and a proper support plan needs out in place.
Social workers will not help until crisis as been reached, they can arrange a temp respite and even placement in nursing homes etc.

This ^

Mumofteenandtween · 19/02/2024 19:42

My aunt phoned 999 and told the operator that if they didn’t send an ambulance in the next hour then they had better send the police as she was going to hold a pillow over my gran’s face.

(I don’t recommend this as a solution but it did work.)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/02/2024 19:44

"I am moving to Yemen" might do it?

Uricon2 · 19/02/2024 19:47

If it is your house, refuse to have her back. If it is her house, tell everyone that you will not be there to provide care when she returns, and mean it.

Sorry OP, I know this is hard, but it is what you need to do.

ETA if she is home at the moment, phone social services, do not take no for an answer and tell them the above, that you are withdrawing your care/walking away. It will be hard but you falling apart will not help either her or you.

TraitorsGate · 19/02/2024 19:50

Does she need to be in hospital if she is ill, whats the social worker involved in, whats the home situation. It sounds tough.

gamerchick · 19/02/2024 19:50

Yeah the only way anyone will listen is if you refuse to have her back. If SS sense weakness they'll brush you off.

Next time she goes in. Pull up the drawbridge. Tell them she can't come home and don't answer the phone or door to them.

Nerves of steel OP. It's the only way you'll get her the help she needs.

spanishviola · 19/02/2024 19:54

You’ve got to refuse to do it any longer. Keep repeating every time. If she gets readmitted to hospital, you must say she can’t be discharged as you can no longer care for her. Social services will be brushing off your concerns because the care system is in crisis but that isn’t your fault or responsibility. They will either put in a care package for you at home or find her a care home. You can refuse the former.

Uricon2 · 19/02/2024 20:01

You asked for sentences

If she is living in your house-"I am not prepared to have her back here from hospital/have her here any longer and will not provide any care or supervision"

If you are living in her house, you need to say "I will be leaving" and give an exact date.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/02/2024 20:23

I read of someone who got so desperate, she told SS that if they didn’t act now, she was going to take her relative (with dementia) to A&E and leave him/her there.
It worked.

*This was someone on a forum for carers of people with dementia.

Dotdashdottinghell · 19/02/2024 20:56

Email the social worker and tell her you are going to Spain for a fortnight, and Mum needs a respite placement. Refuse to have her back.

Original poster
Mirandawrongs · 19/02/2024 20:58

Thank you all.
I’ll answer questions as best I can!
it’s my house, owned outright by me.

im an accountant and work from home.
we’ve always got on but she’s always favoured my brother.

shockingly, we never see my brother.

Everytime I say I can’t cope, it’s ignored or brushed off.
last time that she was in hospital I went home to sleep, hospital phoned me at 1am and said I had to collect her. I was proud of myself and said I’d be there in the morning but they sent her home in a cab!!

Am I actually allowed to punch a social worker?
would that be frowned upon?

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 19/02/2024 21:05

I ŵould get the gp to review her or a community nurse, she sounds like she needs to be in hospital or a carehome. In what way is she so ill now. Next time she goes to hospital you remove your name and to be contacted in emergencies only. You can also contact adult social services safeguarding and say she needs a full care needs assessment and you are not her carer, the house is unsuitable and she is at risk.

user1471550643 · 19/02/2024 21:09

I have no useful advice but wanted to say I hear you. I went through an almost identical issue with my parents as they lived with me. I was just expected to cope and like you I also worked . Luckily I managed to pay for a private carer on occasion so I could at least have a breather and be a daughter rather than a carer for a while Much as I loved my parents it was relentless at the time. Could your gp help at all? I hope you get someone to listen to you . Take care

whatyasay · 19/02/2024 21:10

You have care stress and burn out and you can no longer meet her needs as would would be neglecting her.

Nearlythere80 · 19/02/2024 21:14

Unfortunately even if the social worker was minded to help they may not have any help to offer. What is it you are asking for specifically? Your mum to be housed/cared for somewhere else? Some respite care? Carers for washing etc? Daycare centre attendance? Each of those, or anything else, need picking through to see what she may be eligible for and how you would access it

Original poster
Mirandawrongs · 19/02/2024 21:15

Thank you all for replying and hearing me.

sometimes this is the most supportive place! Xx

OP posts:
user146990847101 · 19/02/2024 21:17

@Mirandawrongs are you aware there is an Elderly Parents section? You’ll get fab and supportive advice if you post there from people in the same boat.

Shiveringinthecountry · 19/02/2024 21:26

I just wanted to send a (((hug))) as what you're experiencing is stressful beyond description Flowers

My sibling and I have been through this with our father and another very close elderly relative (not a parent, but almost). It sounds as though it would be better both for your mum and for you if your mum were to move to a care or nursing home. You can't carry on being the sole carer as you are, because you need your own life too.

Are you able to discuss this with your mum? If she's willing then you could start to look for a place. If she isn't then, as others have said, it sounds as though you'll need to refuse a discharge next time she's in hospital as they have no care plan in place. It's not a care plan for you just to do everything. You'll be expected to unless you can find it in yourself to say no.

There's a great Facebook group called Continuing Healthcare. Sign up there and have a good read around. Even if your mum doesn't qualify for CHC funding you'll find a ton of great advice on how to proceed in this kind of situation.

Very best of luck.

TerriPie · 19/02/2024 21:32

Start pushing Social Work to put her in a home, contact your MP for help too (my MP was brilliant when we had MIL/dementia issues).

If she does end up back in hospital, refuse to accept her back in your home. Make sure they change the address to no fixed abode.

If you totally reach the end of your tether, walk out the house and phone 999 and explain there is a vulnerable person in your house in need of immediate care. They'll probably send the police first then the duty Social work team will step in.

Finally, be kind to yourself, there is a point where we can't look after someone with dementia ourselves and need to hand them over to the professionals.

BrambleJamandCustard · 19/02/2024 21:34

I’ve had to walk away (hopefully temporarily-ish) from caring for my grandparents in their mid 90’s.

A year of living with them and dealing with my mum (it’s her parents) who was in an accident and has had life changing injuries/ been off work since last Jan… I’m a shell.

Can also relate to the mia brother! Mine is at the other end of the country and does hee haw for family even though he is single & works from home. No one even questions it apart from me it feels like!!

Plus relocating and working a new job full-time…

It’s not easy when the guilt is thick but I was honestly going to do something silly if I was there a moment longer.

Social work etc acted similarly with me. Sadly feels like a numbers game.

Remove yourself, save yourself, invest in yourself.

No one else will prioritise you. The sooner you do so the sooner everyone else aroun you will benefit.

Investing in yourself is investing in others.

You aren’t alone x

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