Chores for Children with Neurodivergency

[ShugarTits]

If you have kids with SEN, what chores are they expected to do and what age are they?

I think it’s time I taught mine a little independence and responsibility - but it always seems easier to implement things tomorrow, which never comes.

interested to hear how it works in your home.

Chores for Children?
If SEN or not.. all they should be doing is putting their own things away ( toys etc) and keeping their rooms tidy .
I personally don't believe in child doing chores.. they will soon have their own places and enough chores to do then.
Let them be children.. not cleaners.

It depends what rhey are capable of surely?

For us the expectation of having 'chores' to do daily would be far too much pressure on an already heightened nervous system.
We more just model the team approach to getting things done. Everybody needs to pitch in to help have a tidy home/dinner done/ etc.
If we've got a good connection going and she's on an even keel DD will happily contribute to laying the table/ helping make dinner with me (small bits, very supervised), putting away laundry etc. It has to be with me though. It's too much of a demand to state she has to go and clean her room for example but if we tackle everything together or we start it then she does a wee bit of something specific that's good enough for now.
For context, she needs me to help dress her for low demand getting ready for school so it's the same principle for most things.
It's a good way for her to understand why I can't be available for playing all the time.

One of mine (ADHD) has an issue with authority and hierarchy (ie thinks we should all be equal even though I’m the parent and pay the bills). The other likes routine and predictability (ASD). Both teens.

So we have ‘Tidy Friday’ - the chores are split into kitchen/bathroom/living room and stairs, and they rotate between the three of us weekly. It also means each room gets done mostly each week and gets a thorough clean by me every third week.

I write who’s on what room on the calendar on the kitchen wall so everyone knows what’s expected well in advance.

Any laundry in the basket gets done by me but they put it away themselves. Washing up alternates nightly.

It mostly works. I struggle to get them to pitch in when it’s not their designated day or job, but it’s enough to mostly keep on top.

Teaching by example from an early age, everyone pulling together, and making it fun enough when they are small that it’s just second nature as they’re older.

My middle child hates when I do the dishwasher as they prefer their way. My youngest is a champion laundry herder, and loves to help with the cooking.

If either are in crisis, then I just crack on, but when they’re feeling functional they muck in because they live here too, and they’re capable of the tasks they do.

I’d be remiss as a parent if I just let them fester in domestic ignorance. Everybody has to be taught how to adult, they don’t just sprout the ability to cook, clean, and budget when they hit 18.

They need to fit with your childs capabilities and be structured in a way they can manage.
My son doesnt really have chores but things he does as part of his routine, like getting dressed, taking meds, putting his plate by the dishwasher.

I don’t believe in chores as such. Whilst they are little just learning to tidy their room or play space is sufficient.

Once they are teens the school workload and any part time jobs are all they should have to think about.

By all means teach them to cook and how to clean but chores are a concept I don’t buy into

We'd not been able to encourage DS7 (autistic and ADHD) until recently but he announced the other day that he was Reading Monitor at school and that keeping the reading area at school tidy made him v proud, so he is now Kitchen Monitor at home. This involves sweeping floor, laying table and helping with the dishwasher plus other random helpful tasks, all flexible and dependant on his frame of mind, so not a fixed list which feels like an inflexible list of demands that will mean failure if they are not all done

This is an absolutely massive step for a child with really tricky PDA who has quite aggressive meltdowns, so it's baby steps for the time being. These chores are also linked to pocket money which helps motivate.

I was just coming back onto say that chores are considered child labour on MN so you’ll just be told “let them be children” as if sorting their own laundry will land them in therapy 🙄.

I would be led by them and see what they could come up with to help. Work together and at their pace so there’s a reduced risk of overwhelm.

Mine (9) does things like laying/clearing the table, washing up, tidying his room and making his bed, hanging laundry on the airer, folding it and sorting into piles and putting away, feeding pets, hoovering (though he's not great at hoovering!).

I don't really believe in 'chores' either - running a home means certain things have to be done, and everyone in the family joins in to their own ability.

Keeping their own toys and room tidy is not stopping them from being children. It's parenting them to understand how to live

It totally depends on the child even without SEN.

I start chores around age 12 but tidying room from age 9ish which I do not consider a chore as such

Totally depends on the child and has varied wildly over time. All mucking in for a daily 10 min tidy is a good place to start. If clutter is cleared before the 10 mins are up they can do a bit in their room or a bit of housework they fancy trying, eg sweeping a floor.

Play to their strengths. If you have an early riser, maybe they can feed animals.

Understand where they are coming from. I tried backward chaining laundry and it was a disaster. DS was super stressed about folding laundry. He wanted to start from the beginning so we started again with sorting out whites and putting the machine on.

Main thing is not to get hung up on someone else's 3 year old being able to do xyz so obviously all 16 year olds should. My teen did some things at 3 that we do for him at the moment. That's ok, it's not a personal failing on his part or ours.

Same as anyone else! The only exception is severe learning disabilities or physical disabilities where they don't have the capacity to understand or physically can't. The vast majority of people with neurodivergency will live independently so it's essential to build base skills

Learning how to cook and clean are essential life skills, so of course kids should be doing age appropriate chores. There are charts online with age appropriate tasks.

My son is 20 and can cook and clean and is very responsible. His girlfriend is very happy about that.

How old and how capable? Min have always had to put away washing, crockery in the dishwasher etc

Well this is adorable! Great job!

Isn't that... what chores are? I'm confused. Or do you not believe in having assigned chores, just doing stuff when asked ad-hoc?

The reason for the post is that children with SEN have different levels of maturity and what is age-appropriate for an average child might not be suitable for those who have additional needs.

Every child is different but I was just curious what age ND children are and what they are responsible for in other households just to gauge an idea.

Really helpful thread, thanks.

I'm going to try Tidy Friday!

DD (11, ASD, ADHD) is very hard to engage with chores but she does love a theme/ritual.

My 9yo has ASD and severe dyslexia which affect her confidence. She sets and clears the table and puts her clean clothes away. She'll be helpful if I ask e.g. empty the dishwasher, pick up after herself and her sister, and try (but struggle) to keep her room clean. She's becoming more independent so will make herself breakfast and components of lunch, get dressed for school before I wake up, make sure she has what she needs for school etc. She's pretty burnt out with homework and school so I'm not putting a lot more on her than that at the moment.

@Phineyj glad it’s inspired you!

I think the concept of chores is age appropriate but by the time they hit late teens it’s important they have the basics of how to keep a home clean and tidy, so it’s figuring out how to support them in that.
Some great ideas on here - I love the kitchen monitor ❤️

You’re assuming that @SwordToFlamethrower ’s ds is not ND or doesn’t have any SEN there.