Chores for Children with Neurodivergency

[ShugarTits]

If you have kids with SEN, what chores are they expected to do and what age are they?

I think it’s time I taught mine a little independence and responsibility - but it always seems easier to implement things tomorrow, which never comes.

interested to hear how it works in your home.

I would say it depends:

Dd1 is 14, ND and very capable, cleans her room, puts her own laundry on if asked, will fold and put away her own clothes, helps with laying and clearing table, can make her own breakfast and lunch, takes the dog out for a pee and picks up their poop, feeds the cats/dog, helps with putting away i
shopping/going shopping to the local shops for her Grandad and watches her younger siblings for short periods.

DS is 10, ND, emotionally much younger as less coordinated than the average 10 year old. He will help setting the table, clearing plates and sweeping the floor under supervision with a dustpan and brush. He also tidies his own room. He needs a lot more adult input at first with new jobs to give instruction about what needs doing and then once it becomes habit he will do 'chores' with less complaint than the older two!

Absolutely nothing wrong with giving children something they are responsible for.Regardless of ND ,any child thrives on responsibility. Doesn’t matter how easy the task is 🤷‍♀️

I’m not assuming that

poster wrote there are online charts with age appropriate chores - I was responding that neurotypical ‘age appropriate’ charts are often not a helpful comparison for nd kids.

mumsnet is like pulling teeth at times.

Do you have children with special needs? Maybe you do, but on first read this sounds supremely unhelpful.

Thanks so much for all the inspiring posts in here - it’s lovely to hear how well some kids are doing (and how good their parents are at supporting them to do well!)

lots of food for thought.

DD (14 yo) struggles with the kitchen as it's noisy so she tends not to come in when I'm in there (washing machine/tumble dryer/extractor etc on) but will do chores alone.

At the weekend she either cooks dinner or dessert, she decides the night before and WhatsApps me the ingredients she needs.

She will run errands to the corner shop but won't step foot in a supermarket.

Dish washer emptied with noise cancelling headphones
Hoover her own room with N/C headphones
She likes keeping her bedroom clean and minimalist.

Washing up if the dirty things are hers but not if it's others, ditto loading the dishwasher due to sensory issues.

She can use the washing machine and tumble dryer but doesn't.

I should also point out that DD has to be asked to do everything, despite the fact that the same jobs need completing routinely IE getting drinks ready for dinner. She never moans about chores or when she's asked to help and gets up straight away Todo it, but simply won't think she to do it independently unless it's spelt out to her which can be extremely frustrating particularly as she is and extremely gifted in other ways. The joys of the autistic spiky profile I guess.

I have 4 ND dc aged 17, 15, 13 and 9 and a dc with MLD aged 10. I find routine is key with dc2. He will happily do chores but it has to be the same ones each week and he gets very upset if someone else does one of his jobs. Dc1 will do jobs but needs to be reminded. Dc3 prefers more spontaneous jobs. Dc4 loves to help with everything but needs a lot of help so we usually pair him up with someone else and they do a big job together. Dc5 whinges but will do jobs when asked. The dc who sleep on the top bunks change their own bedding, although dc5 is allowed to pass the duvet down to me and I will sort that. Dc2's bed is directly under the loft hatch so he does most of the getting stuff in and out of the loft. The short answer is yes they all do jobs but we adapt to suit their needs.

I have ADHD and I just did normal chores .

Ironing, washing up and cleaning the fish tank are the ones that immediately spring to mind.

My Foster son 17 but with learning disabilities sorts the recycling into different boxes. One for glass, one for tins, another for plastic and the blue cube for card or paper. He's brilliant at it. He tidied the shoes on the shoe rack in the hall too, putting them neatly into pairs. He's done this since he was about 8. He helps carry in shopping after grocery delivery. He sometimes walks the dogs around the block. My DS with ADHD used to empty the bin in the kitchen and put it into black bin outside then put a new bin liner into the kitchen bin. Also he'd sometimes empty the dishwasher. He'd never load due to sensory issues. I have both of them helping to cook once a week each.

Two ND children here and chores are definitely expected! It is so good for kids to feel capable and independent and that they make a big contribution to the home and family.

We find 'mucking in together' at the same time is a recipe for chaos. So it works best for us to have clearly delineated chores so it's more measureable and they can work independently.

So obviously the basics - tidy up after yourself, laundry in the basket, dirty dishes in a specific spot ready for me to wash.

Toddler helps with laundry and the others often like to do it too when they can.

Everyone puts away their own laundry 3 nights a week (I don't care about folding, just the right drawer!) - it helps them to know which night it is in advance so we have set nights for this.

11yo helps set the heavy things out for dinner, then dries up and puts away dishes every night
9yo sets the rest of the table and helps clear away after dinner
3yo (NT) mucks in with a bit of everything (setting table, putting laundry on, clearing table)

Then every Sunday afternoon we have a brief house reset so it's not all up to me on Monday, and I allocate jobs according to what needs doing - wash load on, bins emptied, washing up done and away. We aim for shorter periods of time (say 10-15m or so) to build success and good feeling rather than aiming too high and failing spectacularly!

Finally, the two older ones also cook dinner one night a week each, with support obviously. They love it and I love the time with them!

I should add, I've made it sound like it always runs smoothly which obviously it doesn't! 😂

So how will they learn to do them if you don't teach them. It's also a good value to instill that everyone who lives in a home contributes to keeping it clean and tidy, and that people who live in your home with you aren't your skivvies (dare I say especially for boys!!). Do you view yourself as a "cleaner" when you clean your own home? I assume not. The same applies to children.

My mum didn't make me do any chores at home and I was completely lost when I moved out. It took me ages to learn how to manage a home. I didn't make her same mistake with my DS.

I think it massively depends on the SEND (as the variation is huge!) and their capabilities and their age. I gradually got my DS to do chores as he grew and developed. He has ASC and ADHD but is bright with no LD. ADHD probably moderate. I was flexible with him though. If he.was really struggling at school etc then we'd prioritise time that he needed to regulate or decompress. Exam/revision time he had no chores.

He used to do all sorts. By the time he left home he was cooking one meal a week, he helped with spring cleans (various jobs divvied up), he did the dishwasher most days, some washing up, ran the hoover round sometimes. Sometimes cleaned the bathroom. He was a pro at cleaning the skirtings!

I tried to teach him to clean most things by the time he left home and to cook a few meals. I think it's important to be flexible though with ND kids and not too rigid with expectations as they are often deregulated (having said that to some extent routine, structure and boundaries can help with that). I also have ADHD so not good at sticking to routines and set cleaning plans so couldn't be rigid if I tried but as I am often deregulated I sort of get how to balance that for him.

His ADHD meant he needed a lot of reminders and support with organisation. I supported him in this and helped him develop strategies (so he didn't need me there reminding him for the rest of his life!) , but didn't expect him to suddenly not have ADHD if that makes sense!

My DS often comments on how he's pleased I taught him these things as he noted how much easier he found adapting when he left home compared to many of his friends including NT friends.