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Original poster

Should I pick GS up from school.

82 replies

Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 10:33

Gs and my 2 youngest go to the same school. Only difference is mine come out of school 10 mins later . Meaning dd gets on the bus before me. So we don't travel home together. She is on the same bus route as me but she lives 8 mins further on.

Anyway GS has autism. And dd has bipolar. Gs gets extremely upset and stressed on the bus. Things can trigger him like somone standing on the bus or school children. Sometimes after being at school etc it'd just to much for him. He will scream shout say awful things. Spit , kick hit, make threats etc. Dd can't manage this very well she gets very upset and stressed. And within the upset she will shout at him or tell him she's taking his taking is tablet away. Or tells him your behaviour is disgusting. Sometimes it sounds like 2 teenagers. Sometimes she snaps at stuff she does not Need to. I'm not sure if her reactions are due to the bipolar ? She has had adults making comments about how GS is but also how dd is towards him. Dd will snap at comments from adults as well . And before you know it there's adults arguing infront of GS and the whole situation is a madness . DD has had threats etc .

I just wanted to add at this point I'm awear that above I said I don't travel with dd as she gets the bus before me. But I have travelled with her on the bus a good handful of times. So I'm awear she reacts to things in a way she does not Need to.

Dd will often phone or message me ranting or crying and very stressed telling me she can't cope it's very hard to tell when there is something truly going on. As things are not always as they seem with dd. She would say things like GS has played up all the way home when infact it was just 2 stops . Or someone said "sort your kid out " and she tells me how people were abusive to her. Then within 20 mins she's posting joking happy stuff on social media. So then im thinking is it really that bad. Or again is this a bipolar thing ?

So im thinking should I get GS from school for her ? And he can come on the bus with me and my 2. But I would get her to meet me at my bus stop . So she would have to travel with him for around 8 mins.

The reason I have not offered this before was because I already do quite a bit for her. And I wanted her to see that sometimes she has to do stuff herself and manage the hard bits to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 19:16

FilippityFiloppity · 19/02/2024 18:35

Thing is, an EHCP is a more sustainable solution if it can put transport in place.

If you offer it for a week and it helps GS get home more calmly and saves your daughter stress, are you willing to carry on with the arrangement? How long for?

It’s coming across that you don’t really want to do it (understandable), so what’s the end game? Helping with a view to pushing for an EHCP makes more sense than doing it for a while until you or DD get annoyed at each other and it falls apart.

No I honestly don't mind doing it i really don't . It's actually really stressful listening to her when she either rings me or messages me. I feel all churned up inside. And there's nothing I can do because I'm not with her. Then I feel sorry for GS as well. As long as dd meets me at the bus stop it makes no difference to me at all. There will be times she has to do it such as if my kids are ill or if I have an appointment. But I will be doing the school run till at least my year 4 child starts year 7.

The only reason I'm not completely sure is if dd starts taking the piss and not meeting me. Also when dd finds gs to hard to cope with he will stay at mine for a night or 2. Other times he just stays just because he wants to it's not always ways due to issues. Or dd is going out which is not overly often. And I have GS if sge Need to do a food shop as GS can't manage the shops . But also i have baby GS 3 times a week whilst she gos to the gym. So she gets good support . Well I think so anyway. But there is a bit of me thinking if I do it am I giving a reason for her not to try and follow things up. Almost like well mum will do it.. sorry im not wording it well

OP posts:
TinaYouFatLard · 19/02/2024 20:27

You sound like a nice mum OP. I see why you want to help but also want DD to take responsibility. How about offering to do 2 days a week so she gets a break but doesn’t shoulder you with it all.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 20:32

TinaYouFatLard · 19/02/2024 20:27

You sound like a nice mum OP. I see why you want to help but also want DD to take responsibility. How about offering to do 2 days a week so she gets a break but doesn’t shoulder you with it all.

Could be an idea

OP posts:

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determinedtomakethiswork · 19/02/2024 20:56

Does your daughter take medication? I would be urging her not to have any more children.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 21:04

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/02/2024 20:56

Does your daughter take medication? I would be urging her not to have any more children.

Shes not intending to . But that's not the discussion here.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 19/02/2024 21:25

I feel sorry for your GS. Yes I get you don't want your DD to take the piss, but I feel like no one is fighting for him. Clearly needs a EHCP but no one has started it. Sounds like he's been through so much and it's not getting better.

Skiphopbump · 19/02/2024 21:33

Is there a social worker involved? If so maybe DD could talk to them about getting home to school transport.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 21:42

xyz111 · 19/02/2024 21:25

I feel sorry for your GS. Yes I get you don't want your DD to take the piss, but I feel like no one is fighting for him. Clearly needs a EHCP but no one has started it. Sounds like he's been through so much and it's not getting better.

It's just that things take time . Dd has been through alot . And mixed with her mental health issues it's hard. Plus it's not always easy to get professionals on board. Ehcp will take time. And that's not going to help (now) but I so get where you coming from about gs . That's why I was thinking about getting him from school

OP posts:
xyz111 · 19/02/2024 21:45

Yes I have a EHCP for my son. Yes it does take time. But not doing it now isn't helping getting the process started for the future.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 21:49

Skiphopbump · 19/02/2024 21:33

Is there a social worker involved? If so maybe DD could talk to them about getting home to school transport.

Edited

No they had one but no longer involved. She had one for a long time. They were very much for family support they often asked me to have GS. Or take him to /from school

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 21:52

xyz111 · 19/02/2024 21:45

Yes I have a EHCP for my son. Yes it does take time. But not doing it now isn't helping getting the process started for the future.

I get that . But that's not what I'm asking about right now. That does not mean we won't. It's just in this moment of time as in now. Im asking opinions on if I should pick gs up from school

OP posts:
SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 21:54

Sounds like a new assessment by children’s services is required.

WhatNoUsername · 19/02/2024 23:13

Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 18:20

I just wanted to add a general post . I really do appreciate the suggestions and I totally understand why people are asking about EHCP and transport for GS to/from get to school. I totally get why people are mentioning this .

But this stuff all takes time it doesn't help now. Even if it's looked into that's that's a long time when dd/gs can't handke handle being on the bus. All during this time GS will still be doing the things he's doing. Dd will still be loosing her shit and arguing with adults.

For now I was just trying to look into me picking GS up from school to help dd and gs out. I just wasn't sure if it was a good idea in general terms. Or if its something dd needs to learn to manage for herself. But by the same token I'm at the school myself anyway.

Edited

No I would definitely just do this for her. She's obviously not coping with it and while that should be looked into (ie she autistic, does she needs change if meds, is something else going on that is causing her emotional dysregulation) if you can step in for now to stop these escalating situations with your DD and DS I would. The current situation is no good for your grandson at all and that would be my main concern. It needs deescalating now and as you say other solutions may take months.

The only downside to you stepping in is that this may mean the LA don't think they have to provide school transport. But if you are making the journey anyway this probably doesn't matter.

It sounds like your DD really needs help advocating for herself generally so I would also be trying to support with this. Your GS really needs an EHCP for example. That process needs to be started so she may need help to advocate
with the school and the LA.

WhatNoUsername · 19/02/2024 23:22

You write very well and sound very caring and "switched on" so you can probably do more than you think you can.

If you struggle to understand the process for EHCPs etc then there's IPSEA. They have a helpline you can call and you can talk everything through with them so you understand it;

www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/service-overview

But there's usually also local organisations - some charity, some run by the council that can support you and sometimes even advocate or attend meetings with you/your DD. IPSEA might be able to signpost you to them or have a Google or contact the education department at your county council. The council may have a "SEND" page on their website giving details of the support available and signposting to local SEND services.

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 23:24

The only downside to you stepping in is that this may mean the LA don't think they have to provide school transport.

That would be challengable.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 19/02/2024 23:29

I get OP, my DC is the same on public transport (has ASD) Could you and mum have a word with the school? so they can make reasonable adjustments ie DGS comes in slightly later and leaves earlier than peers when buses are a little less busy. Just until you get things underway with a ECHP, then apply for SEN transport.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 19/02/2024 23:31

Ehcp* sorry running on no sleep due to DC.

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 23:34

Just until you get things underway with a ECHP, then apply for SEN transport.

OP’s DD doesn’t need to wait for an EHCP to apply for transport.

User373433 · 19/02/2024 23:40

Depending on where you live, she could possibly walk to your bus stop and then get a taxi for the same price as two day riders on the bus? Which would make it much more worthwhile doing. If she still has to get buses anyway from your bus stop I don't know how helpful it would be?

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 19/02/2024 23:52

@SearchingForSolitude no she doesn’t but Op asked what she could do now to help her DD and DGS. Applying for transport isn’t quick. Op needs to encourage DD to seek the support/ help her to apply. However due to distance, DGS and her DD needs they will most definitely be entitled to support.

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 23:53

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 19/02/2024 23:52

@SearchingForSolitude no she doesn’t but Op asked what she could do now to help her DD and DGS. Applying for transport isn’t quick. Op needs to encourage DD to seek the support/ help her to apply. However due to distance, DGS and her DD needs they will most definitely be entitled to support.

I didn’t say it was quick. I was pointing out she didn’t need to wait to apply for transport until after an EHCP was underway.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 20/02/2024 06:55

WhatNoUsername · 19/02/2024 23:13

No I would definitely just do this for her. She's obviously not coping with it and while that should be looked into (ie she autistic, does she needs change if meds, is something else going on that is causing her emotional dysregulation) if you can step in for now to stop these escalating situations with your DD and DS I would. The current situation is no good for your grandson at all and that would be my main concern. It needs deescalating now and as you say other solutions may take months.

The only downside to you stepping in is that this may mean the LA don't think they have to provide school transport. But if you are making the journey anyway this probably doesn't matter.

It sounds like your DD really needs help advocating for herself generally so I would also be trying to support with this. Your GS really needs an EHCP for example. That process needs to be started so she may need help to advocate
with the school and the LA.

Show quote history

Thank you for answering my question💐 hopefully me picking him up won't have an impact. I will only be doing it in the afternoon anyway. So hopefully it would be OK.

With the ehcp side of it etc I will help her contact some places i know of a couple . So I will do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 20/02/2024 06:59

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 23:34

Just until you get things underway with a ECHP, then apply for SEN transport.

OP’s DD doesn’t need to wait for an EHCP to apply for transport.

She does i had a look on line. I copied paste it onto here. It says there has to be an ehcp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 20/02/2024 07:02

User373433 · 19/02/2024 23:40

Depending on where you live, she could possibly walk to your bus stop and then get a taxi for the same price as two day riders on the bus? Which would make it much more worthwhile doing. If she still has to get buses anyway from your bus stop I don't know how helpful it would be?

No it would cost much more to get a cab

OP posts:
Thisismynewusernamedoyoulikeit · 20/02/2024 07:19

I would do it. If he is calmer with you, then he will have a better experience of coming out of school. It is the best thing for him, which to me is most important.

But I agree with your worry about what happens if she doesn't come to the bus stop. I guess that you don't want her meeting at your house because she isn't reliable?

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