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Original poster

Should I pick GS up from school.

82 replies

Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 10:33

Gs and my 2 youngest go to the same school. Only difference is mine come out of school 10 mins later . Meaning dd gets on the bus before me. So we don't travel home together. She is on the same bus route as me but she lives 8 mins further on.

Anyway GS has autism. And dd has bipolar. Gs gets extremely upset and stressed on the bus. Things can trigger him like somone standing on the bus or school children. Sometimes after being at school etc it'd just to much for him. He will scream shout say awful things. Spit , kick hit, make threats etc. Dd can't manage this very well she gets very upset and stressed. And within the upset she will shout at him or tell him she's taking his taking is tablet away. Or tells him your behaviour is disgusting. Sometimes it sounds like 2 teenagers. Sometimes she snaps at stuff she does not Need to. I'm not sure if her reactions are due to the bipolar ? She has had adults making comments about how GS is but also how dd is towards him. Dd will snap at comments from adults as well . And before you know it there's adults arguing infront of GS and the whole situation is a madness . DD has had threats etc .

I just wanted to add at this point I'm awear that above I said I don't travel with dd as she gets the bus before me. But I have travelled with her on the bus a good handful of times. So I'm awear she reacts to things in a way she does not Need to.

Dd will often phone or message me ranting or crying and very stressed telling me she can't cope it's very hard to tell when there is something truly going on. As things are not always as they seem with dd. She would say things like GS has played up all the way home when infact it was just 2 stops . Or someone said "sort your kid out " and she tells me how people were abusive to her. Then within 20 mins she's posting joking happy stuff on social media. So then im thinking is it really that bad. Or again is this a bipolar thing ?

So im thinking should I get GS from school for her ? And he can come on the bus with me and my 2. But I would get her to meet me at my bus stop . So she would have to travel with him for around 8 mins.

The reason I have not offered this before was because I already do quite a bit for her. And I wanted her to see that sometimes she has to do stuff herself and manage the hard bits to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 14:59

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 14:50

You could help DD push for transport. As could other professionals involved if you or DD asked them to.

DD could look at a double buggy.

Hes to heavy for a Double buggy . Plus it would make it harder to get on a bus . I'm gonna look into the transport /support thing a bit more

OP posts:
SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 15:03

He’s not too heavy for a double buggy. You can get SN double buggies, either with 2 SN seats or one SN seat and one infant/toddler seat. You can also get double SN buggies that are tandem buggies.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 15:09

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 15:03

He’s not too heavy for a double buggy. You can get SN double buggies, either with 2 SN seats or one SN seat and one infant/toddler seat. You can also get double SN buggies that are tandem buggies.

We have looked into this alot and its does not work . Its also the fact she won't get it in the bus when it's busy school runs and she will get home even later. I can't explain clearly now as kids are about to come out of school. Also don't want to risk baby getting Hury if he's to close to baby when he gets over whelmed.

OP posts:

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Families
LadyDanburysHat · 19/02/2024 15:14

I do think he needs SEN transport or can he possibly move to a closer school to where your DD lives? That is a long journey home for any child on the bus after school.

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 15:17

Has DGS had a referral to wheelchair services? Because there are literally hundreds of options for SN buggies, some of which you wouldn’t know about by just looking into it unless a specialist in the area was involved. Even then there are options not all wheelchair services are aware of. For example, with some of the options it would be impossible for the baby to be hurt because added adjustments/protection can be added. SN buggies have priority just like wheelchairs and some SN buggies are no bigger than wheelchairs, so while DD will need to advocate it is possible to get a bus with a SN buggy.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 15:32

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 15:17

Has DGS had a referral to wheelchair services? Because there are literally hundreds of options for SN buggies, some of which you wouldn’t know about by just looking into it unless a specialist in the area was involved. Even then there are options not all wheelchair services are aware of. For example, with some of the options it would be impossible for the baby to be hurt because added adjustments/protection can be added. SN buggies have priority just like wheelchairs and some SN buggies are no bigger than wheelchairs, so while DD will need to advocate it is possible to get a bus with a SN buggy.

I will help dd look into it some more. I also just remembered there is a walk in clinic not to far from me that does a walk into occupational therapy thing for children with special needs. But also she lives on 3rd floor no lift . But one step at a time. I will look anyway nothing to loose by going to the drop in.

Dd has used SEN buggy in the past . And 90% of thr tome it was not treated as a wheelchair. Drivers point blank refuse to let her on. And people refuse to fold. I have heard ot from others with sen buggys to happens alot

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 19/02/2024 15:43

If I was your DD I would take a substantial packed snack with me on pick up, take DS and baby to the park to play and regulate after school. Then I would get the bus home once he has had time to chill out after school, yes it will make the whole journey longer but should be more positive and the bus will be alot quieter too, then on the journey he can have noise cancelling headphones to block out the vast audio stimulation on the bus.

Lots of women were diagnosed with BP when in actual fact they are autistic. Her sense of perceived slights and taking people's comments personally as well as not being able to deal with DS spontaneous behaviour, and autism being largely inherited would suggest to me that a chat wit a GP would be beneficial, if she was open o that. I would be looking into autism specific parenting techniques and seeing if any of it rings true for her.

glusky · 19/02/2024 15:44

This sounds awful for everyone.

My worry with a week's trial is would it be realistic to decide it's not working? And if you did say that would DD take it as a massive rejection? Think longer term too - how close are your 2 to being able to come home without you? Would you end up committed to this years longer?

I wonder if a run around before they get the bus might help. GS might have a lot of "wiggles" to get out and the buses will be quieter after the school rush. Even just walking to a different stop with a heavy rucksack, giving snacks a chance to kick in before the difficult but of the journey, might help. Appreciate it all takes energy though and it might feel too hard.

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 15:48

Dd has used SEN buggy in the past . And 90% of thr tome it was not treated as a wheelchair. Drivers point blank refuse to let her on. And people refuse to fold. I have heard ot from others with sen buggys to happens a lot

This is why I said DD will need to advocate, just like people in wheelchairs &/or their carers do, but SN buggies are to be treated as wheelchairs.

The drop in service may not be specialist enough. If they can’t help, look at an onwards referral.

@Singleandproud’s point about some autistic women being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder (or BPD) is worth thinking about.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 15:59

SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 15:48

Dd has used SEN buggy in the past . And 90% of thr tome it was not treated as a wheelchair. Drivers point blank refuse to let her on. And people refuse to fold. I have heard ot from others with sen buggys to happens a lot

This is why I said DD will need to advocate, just like people in wheelchairs &/or their carers do, but SN buggies are to be treated as wheelchairs.

The drop in service may not be specialist enough. If they can’t help, look at an onwards referral.

@Singleandproud’s point about some autistic women being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder (or BPD) is worth thinking about.

This is the thing though dd can't advocate for herself/GS she litterly losses her shit. We also live in a rough area and no matter what mums won't fold their buggys or driver won't even open the doors so there's no chance. We know how it should be . Sadly does not mean it it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 16:40

glusky · 19/02/2024 15:44

This sounds awful for everyone.

My worry with a week's trial is would it be realistic to decide it's not working? And if you did say that would DD take it as a massive rejection? Think longer term too - how close are your 2 to being able to come home without you? Would you end up committed to this years longer?

I wonder if a run around before they get the bus might help. GS might have a lot of "wiggles" to get out and the buses will be quieter after the school rush. Even just walking to a different stop with a heavy rucksack, giving snacks a chance to kick in before the difficult but of the journey, might help. Appreciate it all takes energy though and it might feel too hard.

The trial thing is for selfish reasons. I basically don't want dd to take the piss. I don't mind bring GS to my local bus stop . Where I live and the dd take GS the rest of the way to her place. But if she starts not meeting me and I have to take GS all the way home I won't be impressed. My younger 2 are in year 3 and 4. I will be picking up for the next couple of years including when in year 6 .

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 17:11

Just looked up transport for SEN.

Not all children and young people with special educational needs are entitled to help with home-to-school travel.

To be eligible, a child or young person must:

  • be aged 5–16 or have an EHC Plan and attend an educational placement named within that plan
  • go to their nearest suitable educational placement (as determined by us)
  • live further than the statutory walking distance from their school.
The statutory walking distance is:
  • up to two miles for a child aged 7 or under
  • up to three miles for a child aged 8–16.
However, in some cases walking distance is not relevant, and the needs of each individual child or young person will be considered. In these cases, we may need to complete an observational assessment to judge a child or young person’s ability to travel.
OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 17:31

Op, you mentioned an EHCP is in progress. Where are you currently at with it? If it's an issue with accessing transport then it's a good place to start.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 17:44

Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 17:31

Op, you mentioned an EHCP is in progress. Where are you currently at with it? If it's an issue with accessing transport then it's a good place to start.

I did not say ehcp is in progress . I said ehcp will take a while. I meant in general as in even if we start it , it would still take time. Sorry for confusion.

OP posts:
SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 17:47

Is there anyone involved who can help support DD to become more assertive in the right way when advocating for DGS? It would help if she learnt some strategies/stock phrases that could help because if he has additional needs she is going to need to advocate for him for many years to come.

If DD or someone on her behalf applies for transport and is refused contact SENTAS. They can help with an appeal.

If an EHCNA has not been requested, it needs requesting ASAP. IPSEA has a model letter that can be used. Transport can be provided without, but DGS sounds like he needs far more support than he is currently receiving.

Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 18:04

@Shamefullhouse

That's ok. I was just wondering where you were with it. Are the school writing it?

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 18:07

Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 18:04

@Shamefullhouse

That's ok. I was just wondering where you were with it. Are the school writing it?

I think we keep misunderstanding each other 🤣. It's not started at all . I was just saying generally they take a long time. So it's not going to help for a while.

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 18:16

I think it's me misunderstanding!

Ok, so it's not started. Has the school said why it's not been started?

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 18:20

I just wanted to add a general post . I really do appreciate the suggestions and I totally understand why people are asking about EHCP and transport for GS to/from get to school. I totally get why people are mentioning this .

But this stuff all takes time it doesn't help now. Even if it's looked into that's that's a long time when dd/gs can't handke handle being on the bus. All during this time GS will still be doing the things he's doing. Dd will still be loosing her shit and arguing with adults.

For now I was just trying to look into me picking GS up from school to help dd and gs out. I just wasn't sure if it was a good idea in general terms. Or if its something dd needs to learn to manage for herself. But by the same token I'm at the school myself anyway.

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 18:24

Op, I'm a primary school teacher and have been for many years. In my experience you need to push and push to get the EHCP written and the sooner it's written the quicker you'll get support.

I know you said it's hard for your DD to advocate for herself. Would it worth you contacting the school and asking what you can do to help the process. I advise parents of children in my class to ring as often as they can.

FilippityFiloppity · 19/02/2024 18:35

Thing is, an EHCP is a more sustainable solution if it can put transport in place.

If you offer it for a week and it helps GS get home more calmly and saves your daughter stress, are you willing to carry on with the arrangement? How long for?

It’s coming across that you don’t really want to do it (understandable), so what’s the end game? Helping with a view to pushing for an EHCP makes more sense than doing it for a while until you or DD get annoyed at each other and it falls apart.

Original poster
Shamefullhouse · 19/02/2024 18:44

Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 18:24

Op, I'm a primary school teacher and have been for many years. In my experience you need to push and push to get the EHCP written and the sooner it's written the quicker you'll get support.

I know you said it's hard for your DD to advocate for herself. Would it worth you contacting the school and asking what you can do to help the process. I advise parents of children in my class to ring as often as they can.

I do get you I really do. But dd won't fight lt in the right way. I can't do it for her . And also don't what I'm talking about enough to fight it for her .I have learning difficulties myself and I don't know or understand any of the ehcp especially how to apply how to fill in the forms etc . My son has an EHCP but the school literally done it for me .

With GS it's been harder. It was decided because he had witnessed DV this was why he was lashing out and being how he was , was due to what he witnessed . This us what social services decided was the case . Then social services agreed that was probably not the case after all . But the school have never really stepped away from that. Also GS is academically doing good . We also think he masks in school. So then tjru font see what dd or I see.

Oh and when I say dd won't ask in the right way . I mean she can get a bit shouty or abrupt. Or somone may not word something In the best way and then she starts having a go at people. Then it makes people not to want to approach her.

OP posts:
SearchingForSolitude · 19/02/2024 18:54

IPSEA’s model letter to request an EHCNA talks you through what to write. You can even give them a call if you need more help.

Sherrystrull · 19/02/2024 18:56

Op, you sound amazing and it all sounds so incredibly hard for you and your DD.

Is there anyone in the school your DD would feel comfortable sharing all of what you have shared with? A previous class teacher? A TA? Office staff? Someone who knows her and how to help her.

At my school we have spent hours with families, sharing their concerns and experience, no matter if they are in or out of school and helping to fill in forms and apply for support.

Waffleson · 19/02/2024 19:03

OP I think it's really important you help your DD develop the skills to deal with these issues herself, rather than relying on you. Could she just collect her son early from school, so that the bus isn't busy? Collecting him early will also get the school much more interested in helping with EHCP.

You could also get SENDIAS involved, they can advocate for your daughter.