Accepting that you have failed as a parent

[Caramelskies]

DS got arrested for DV because he assaulted his gf and I feel so ashamed and horrified by this. And I also feel guilty but DH is telling me that we did the best we could but I now wonder if this is the point at which I need to accept that we failed DS as parents.

Both DCs are adopted and DS was older when we got them, and it was clear from the start that he was very traumatised. He was terrified and wouldn’t speak for a long time and he has always been fairly silent and closed up. Therapy didn’t seem to make much of a difference as he usually refused to engage.
The aggressions started in his teens only, but seemed to quiet down eventually. I was hard work but we were so proud of him for having come such a long way. But it hadn’t gone away and he did assault at least 2 people that I know of (as he got arrested in both cases). This is what I struggle with now. I knew of the one assault but never told his GF and now I keep thinking that I could have prevented what happened if I had told her.
We must have made mistakes and we must have missed so much, and because of this people got hurt. I think I rambled a lot so I’m sorry for this but I just don’t know how to describe all the thoughts that go through my head.

Placemarking because I will come back and post. I too have adopted children and frequently worry whether I am doing the right thing. My heart goes out to you.

I too have adopted children and frequently worry whether I am doing the right thing. My heart goes out to you.

Me too.

I think especially with children adopted when older you would be very fortunate not to go through a few turbulent years. It is all part of them making sense of their pasts. Those early years are so formative.

Did he see violence in the home while you were raising him? If you did the best you could, you cannot blame yourself for something he saw before he came to you

Unfortunately his early experiences, prior to adoption will have undoubtedly affected him and had lasting consequences. We all fail in some way as parents, biological or adoptive. There is no instruction booklet, we can only try our very best, say sorry when it’s due and hope for good outcomes.

You haven’t failed, @Caramelskies though I can completely understand your disappointment and sadness. It’s very likely his early childhood experiences and trauma hardwired some tendency within him that your loving care could not undo. That you gave him a loving caring childhood with you is not a failure.
Hugs to you x

I too am adopted parent and my children were older when placed. I think we need to accept that we can only do our best, we can’t control our children into adulthood and there’s a point when they are responsible for their actions in life. Hopefully we can help reduce the impact of early trauma but getting the right kind of help is a battle at the best of times.

Your adult son is now responsible for his actions and for doing what it takes to heal from his early experiences.

Thanks all. DH is saying the same and that we did the best we could, and DD is testament that we did something right. I just struggle so much to accept it.
There was absolutely no violence in our home.

OP, I hav two adopted children as well, and think, on a daily basis, that I am failing, must do better, if only I had done X,Y,Z then things could be so different.

My DC we’re older too when they came home. They spent the most vital first couple of years in an awful environment.

I am just beginning to accept, certainly with DS, that nothing we could, or can, ever have done/do will have an impact on undoing that hardwiring in his brain. Anymore than I could have impacted it if, for example, he had a broken leg.

I’m not at full acceptance yet - I still get stressed by a lot of his behaviours and choices. But I am slowly beginning to disengage. It’s now - unfortunately - a countdown until we can (sensibly) support him to move out and forge ahead with his own lives/mistakes.

It’s not what I envisioned when becoming a parent.

You have not failed. You did the best you could with what you were given, but adoption comes with all kinds of potentially challenging consequences that nothing that you could have done might have prevented.

Please listen to your husband and us!! 💐

Even if a small baby is adopted and has no recollection that they could verbalise it still affects brain development being in adverse conditions. The only people that failed your DS were his biological parents.

@Caramelskies
I am a foster carer and adoptor and unfortunately will the best will in the world you cannot always turn things around for traumatised children. There is so little understanding generally of the damage that can be inflicted in the early years and even in the womb and the results can be devasting for the children involved. It is heartbreaking. But you sound like a good parent who has tried their v best so please don't blame yourself.

My grandson was the child of an abusive parent, my daughter left when he was just turned one. He has had no contact at all with his Dad for 2 years. He is now 8 and is begining to show signs of controlling, manipulative behaviour. I fear some of these behaviours may be genetic, though I would never have believed that before. I am very fearful for the future.

I don't actually think violence always generates from homelife and I also don't think abusers and violent men are made from abuse. sometimes it's just who they are, he will have every excuse under the sun so be prepared for that he may also blame you which isn't the case. hopeful you can get past this.

Your son will have very likely have trauma and attachment issues from before you adopted him. Support for adopted children and their families is patchy and insufficient. If you did your best you have not failed him.

You could still do some good though (provided it’s safe for you) in supporting him to access a DV perpetrators programme in your area. They can be very effective for people who recognise they have a problem. And re-engaging with therapeutic support. Unless you feel unsafe around him, and depending on his attitude to recognising he needs help, I would try still to support him to rehabilitation.

I very much doubt that you have failed. It’s very likely from his life prior to the adoption. Even with the best will in the world you can’t change what he has seen and experienced prior to being with you.

There is so little understanding generally of the damage that can be inflicted in the early years and even in the womb and the results can be devasting for the children involved

Bears emphasising.

Early trauma and genetics play a massive part I’m sure you have done the very best for him.

I think people downplay genetics a lot, bar abuse I think how children turn out is pretty much unaffected by environment.

It doesn't sound like you are to blame OP - DC that are removed from their birth parents at older ages can have suffered very significant neglect and trauma and that can be very hard to mitigate, however loving, attentive and engaged you are as an adoptive parent. Maybe you should've told the GF, but generally on MN the advice is to not meddle in your DC's relationships or try to come between couples, because it often backfires and creates an 'us against them' mentality.

You haven’t failed. The opposite. He’s failed you. He’s and adult. You gave him a chance. Don’t take this as a personal knock. It’s not. He is troubled and you’ve done your best. If this is going to be a pattern in his adult life then you need to work through how you are going to deal with it by either moving on, keeping at arms length or trying to keep fixing him. But whichever you choose it’s not your fault this happened.

As someone that interacts daily with foster/adoptive parents the idea that 'love DOESN'T heal all' is the hardest to accept. He will have been exposed to situations that us as adults would struggle to deal with and he'll have carried those throughout his childhood into adulthood

Please don't blame yourself OP, you come across as a loving and genuine parent

he will have every excuse under the sun so be prepared for that he may also blame you which isn't the case. hopeful you can get past this

That bears repeating too.

DS has a huge victim complex. Nothing - and I mean nothing - is ever his fault. It would be laughable if it didn’t have such extreme implications for his adult life.

I know the science. It stems from shame caused by his developmental trauma. He cannot take personal responsibility because in his mind, he doesn’t think ‘I did a bad thing’, he thinks ‘I am a bad person’.

The upshot is what a PP says here. He blames anyone and anything (except himself) for his choices. It’s maddening.

I’ve accepted that if/when he struggles in later life (I honestly think significant debt and potentially homelessness are in his future, so extreme is this behaviour), he will absolutely blame us.

Watch out for that too, OP - and the judgement of others who can’t begin to understand.

Solidarity.

You have not failed him in any way. It's something that isn't acknowledged enough but the science of brain development is really clear - so much is laid down in the first 6 months and then preschool. Nothing that you can do when kids are 10 can undo whether those neural networks for attachment got laid out when they were pre-verbal.

You will have made his older life more secure, more loving, more certain - and that will have been amazing for this child, but nobody can rewire brains. It's not your fault.

Thank you all.
I don’t think he will blame us but it’s good to keep this in mind. Whenever he did something bad he didn’t react much and seemed not to care but maybe he did. And he was never consistently “bad” either. I might have to take a break from him for a while

You could raise two children in exactly the same way, give them the same opportunities, love and care and they could end up in two very different lives as adults. All you can do is try your best and hope for the best. You cannot control the end result, adopted child or not.

have you heard how his girlfriend is ?