Accepting that you have failed as a parent

[Caramelskies]

DS got arrested for DV because he assaulted his gf and I feel so ashamed and horrified by this. And I also feel guilty but DH is telling me that we did the best we could but I now wonder if this is the point at which I need to accept that we failed DS as parents.

Both DCs are adopted and DS was older when we got them, and it was clear from the start that he was very traumatised. He was terrified and wouldn’t speak for a long time and he has always been fairly silent and closed up. Therapy didn’t seem to make much of a difference as he usually refused to engage.
The aggressions started in his teens only, but seemed to quiet down eventually. I was hard work but we were so proud of him for having come such a long way. But it hadn’t gone away and he did assault at least 2 people that I know of (as he got arrested in both cases). This is what I struggle with now. I knew of the one assault but never told his GF and now I keep thinking that I could have prevented what happened if I had told her.
We must have made mistakes and we must have missed so much, and because of this people got hurt. I think I rambled a lot so I’m sorry for this but I just don’t know how to describe all the thoughts that go through my head.

Nothing that you can do when kids are 10 can undo whether those neural networks for attachment got laid out when they were pre-verbal.

There’s a fair bit of research that says yes you can foster secure attachment in later years, particularly in teenage years. I’d be wary of suggesting children are salvageable by the age of 10.

You haven't failed him. There are so many factors that influence how a person turns out not just upbringing. Also having been adopted as an older child, your ds will definitely had some traumatic experiences. I don't know your ds's background but it's possible that his own biological parents had their own issues which he may have been inherited. A long time ago I used to provide 1:1 support for a dc who had been removed from her biological mother at the age of 4. She'd experienced terrible neglect due to her mother's mental health issues. Her adoptive parents were wonderful but they couldn't control everything. They have provided her with a loving stable home though.The most important job of a parent is to provide unconditional love and support.

I was an adopted child. I was easy to raise, a rule follower, got good grades, etc. My brother (no blood relation to me or parents) was mentally ill from the beginning. Despite everything my parents tried: doctors, therapy, etc. he became a drug addict in his early teens and died young. It's not you, OP. It's him. IMO, nature wins the "nature vs. nurture" argument every time.

A friend of mine is an adoptive mother. Her daughter, despite a middle class upbringing with every possible advantage, is a mess. Just like her bio family. Nature will out. Every time.

@PaminaMozart thank you for acknowledging the damage that is done pre-natally. Research has proven that foetuses react to domestic violence and chaos in homes. I’d also like to throw epigenetics into the mix.

@Caramelskies my AD1(16) came to me as a baby but she was born addicted to heroin and methadone and spent the first days of her life in withdrawal in the SCBU. Prenatally, she had also experienced extreme domestic violence in her chaotic and dysfunctional birth home. AD1 now has multiple diagnoses, including neonatal abstinence syndrome and foetal alcohol syndrome, plus profound disabilities from her in utero experiences.

AD1 is extremely violent, controlling, verbally abusive, manipulative, threatening and never anything but angry at home. The anger used to be only directed at me but now AD2(8) is increasingly a target.

I’m ashamed to admit that three weeks ago, I was arrested on a (false) allegation of assault by AD1, detained in custody for 21 hours, interviewed under caution, then released on police bail. The following day, the police went into school to interview AD1 and it was then that they decided to take no further action. AD1, who openly talks about having no empathy, does not care about the effects of her behaviour on our family. I have formally, via a solicitor, requested for her to be accommodated on a Section 20 order and I am refusing to have her in my home as I am too scared about what she will do next. In the meantime, my LA is taking me to a Child Protection Conference this Wednesday. The same LA I have been begging for help for FIVE years and been begging for respite, only to be told repeatedly that they do not offer respite to adopters. Only they do, because another very local adoptive family of teens is currently funded for 10 hours of respite care every single day of the school holidays plus 20 hours per week - each child - in school weeks. The private care company is called Prosperity.

@Caramelskies I am sending you buckets filled with love, empathy and sympathy. None of us goes into this process to fail as parents; we work our butts off trying to do the best we can and to attempt to heal the hurts that have gone before. Please listen to your husband’s words of wisdom. This is not your fault.

His birth parents are the ones who failed him op. He's also an adult that made a conscious choice to hit his gf.

@WhompingWillows
I am so sorry and sad to hear your story though it is sadly not unusual. The lack of support post adoption is shocking on the whole and adoptive parents often seem to find themselves packed off to parenting classes etc and generally made to feel they are to blame. Indeed some have even been threatened with being charged with child abandonment if they refuse to allow the child to return home when they have concerns about keeping other family members safe and are therefore requesting a section 20 .
I fostered a child with severe attachment disorder for 2 and a half years and poured as much love and support into him as I possibly could . It didn't really help much and by the end of it I felt like an empty husk , sucked dry of anything positive and totally drained. It is hard to explain to people who haven't had experience of these issues that love and stability can only do so much and reversing the damage is v hard to do.

@Caramelskies & @Hels20

I am adopted
I went right of the rails as a mid teens age,
which i now regret, due to my adoptive mother dying expectional young of cancer,
I had only known her for 5 and half years,

I was allready emotionally psychologically scars from a childhood of children's homes by then by 9 yrs age,

The thing is i still find it admirable that you would even take on the challenges that child like myself
has through no fault of their own,

Nobody can totally predict how 🤔 someone going turn out grow up from childhood to a adult
obviously the factors of such dysfunctional childhood are going to play to such an extant

but it only takes one or two people at least significant in their life's in a good way to help to start to make that difference,

to start to mitigate the shitty childhoods experinces
that's regardless of whether someone has been through the children's care system or not,

With me the issue with me i just had too many shitty experinces at a very young age with not much respite from them

I had good childhood for several years being adopted which i am eternally grateful for
Just wished it could have last longer happened a lot sooner than it did,

But it was better than nothing

I had a wonderful mother and her family were good and my adoptive fathers family too

I did eventually meet my natural birth family

@flapjackfairy thanks so much for your understanding and kind words; sadly, you are right that my story, though horrific, is not unusual. What is particularly galling (well, apart from being severely claustrophobic and being detained in a tiny cell for 21 hours) is that I have been telling EVERYONE, including my director of children’s services, that due to the abuse and toxicity in my home, I have been in a state of blocked care and secondary trauma for a long time. I’m just grateful that AD2, who has autism and ADHD, sings like a canary to her headteacher every time she is hurt or verbally abused in the vilest way by her big sister. It’s not been convenient for the professionals to hear it and they have just talked ‘safety plans’ - apart from dialling 999, how the hell are you meant to keep yourself safe from someone who tries to attack you with knives and flying missiles when you are asleep? But now I am being taken to a Child Protection Conference with the LA citing emotional abuse on the basis of the dynamics in the home affecting AD2. No shit, Sherlock! I’ve been bloody telling you all this for years!

You know the really terrible thing, though, is that my LA has refused my S20 request and is trying to pressure me to allow her home - because while they’re insinuating that I’m an abusive parent, there’s a national and local shortage of foster carers. AD1 is currently living with my 80-year-old mother who can’t take care of herself let alone an out-of-control term who is running rings around her and accessing the dark web. The LA is trying to manipulate my mum, who is frail, extremely unwell, housebound and immobile (plus deteriorating cognitively) to have AD1 live with her indefinitely. Over my dead body!

Thank you all for your kind messages and support.
@WhompingWillows I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and this sounds like an absolute nightmare and worse than what we experienced. DS clearly has empathy issues too but his aggression was mainly aimed at people outside of the family unit though he did cause an A&E visit for DD when he decided to smack her head on the corner of the kitchen table. It probably sounds horrible but I have forgiven this as I thought that these types of outburst were in the past and because DD was ok.

I don’t know how his girlfriend is yet but I’m waiting for an update.

@Caramelskies please let us know how his girlfriend is: fingers crossed she breaks the cycle by not going back to your DS.

@Caramelskies

Sorry,

i should have also said in my post,
that my message was for you aswell..

The tv show Happy Valley does an interesting study in this. The grandmother has an ongoing battle when raising the child of an abusive man.

The writing is very smart - it shows how the dveloping child needs and wants to know another side to himself. It is a constant battle to keep him from falling in the wrong direction. The child is drawn to it, in a way.

You might find it interesting.

@cerisepanther73 I’m so sorry for the premature loss of your adoptive mother at such a terrible age for you, too. It’s comforting to read between the lines that you have managed to successfully turn your life around.

@cerisepanther73
Thanks for sharing your story . It is good to hear from the adopted persons perspective and
. it is encouraging to hear that good input can make some positive difference at least. . So sorry you lost your adoptive mother so young as well .That was a v cruel blow !

I think people need to be very careful about jumping on the it’s his biological parents ‘fault.’ Or his past trauma etc.

Whilst there is no doubt there is research that shows that early childhood trauma can have long term damaging effects; for many many adopted children it is not the case and they go on to be happy well adjusted people. Equally many children who have having a loving family life grow up to be awful human beings.

I agree with @Mrsjayy , @Xmastime2023 @LifeExperience

You’ve done your very best ….. and you will need to decide how much more you can give to your son but you should absolutely not feel guilty. He is responsible for his behaviour.

,@WhompingWillows
I didn't think they could refuse a section 20 request ?! might be worth legal advice on that one. They are only concerned about the cost of course and as you say there are no foster carers so lots of children are being placed in out of area children's homes
. They are privately run and are charging astronomical prices. In our local paper yesterday the LA were saying that it is costing £ 7,500 a WEEK. ! . No wonder councils and local authorities are going bankrupt and some people are making megabucks out of this situation. It is a scandal waiting to break imo.
As we all know the system is broken and so they will do everything they can to make you take her back.
As for your mum can you make a safeguarding referral to adult services and keep threatening them with that .

I was about to post that neglect/abuse during even the first few months can be irreparable. I’ve read a horrible study on babies under 6 months who weren’t even abused as such, nor starved etc. But purely left lying in their cots with no interaction for a couple of months during a crucial stage. There’s no getting back or changing lack of development that will have completely shaped a child’s future from birth-5yo

@flapjackfairy that is a really good suggestion about making a safeguarding referral in to adult services. Thanks!

@WhompingWillows
You have to engage in guerilla warfare at times to get your desired result. Sad but true.
Use their own processes and procedures against them if that's what it takes.

Op you have done the most wonderful thing you really have it's the age all nature or nurture debate.

My cousin is a sw and she said she always thought of adopting but having working in some families and how they are, she never would now.
She feels the cycles are a little hopeless.

@Doltontweedle that was the case of the child I supported at school. She had been left lying in a cot all day. Therefore she was deprived of human touch and the stimulating experiences enabled by crawling and cruising. It affected so many areas of her development. It broke my heart.

@flapjackfairy indeed - and I am because I am so mad that I have been banging on locked doors for at least five years to get some help!

I'm curious @LifeExperience under what circumstances were you adopted, and why were you a 'success' (if in need that's how you consider yourself?)

I have adopted a child, they are very young and it's still very early days. I have concerns she may follow in her birth parents footsteps, but they had very traumatised lives and health conditions stemming from that neglect, as well as complete disregard from the state in terms of their welfare.

My adopted child will not have that experience during their childhood (they were removed at birth). I'm aware that trauma is obviously caused by that removal and experiences in the womb. But my adopted child is very unlikely to have as many ACE's as her birth parents (or in fact me as although I wouldn't seem it and am from a painfully middle class background I have a large number of ACE's). That in itself will be a positive towards them potentially having a good life.

@Caramelskies

Your love may very well have made him a much better human being than he would have been otherwise.

Given the brain wiring changes that happen due to neglect/abuse even in very early childhood, sometimes it's not possible to completely heal the damage. But the love you've given will almost certainly have softened the worst effects of it.

So it's not that you've failed. You've succeeded in making him a much better person than he would have been otherwise.

I have experience as an adoptee.