Husband donated sperm in 1980s and wants to offer information to his donor-conceived children (if they are interested)

[Dery]

Posted on the “donor conception” board also but that doesn’t look like it gets a great deal of traffic.

My husband was a sperm donor in the early 1980s, at a time when donors were guaranteed lifetime anonymity.

While he’s long been mildly curious about the children who might have been conceived from his sperm, he realises that the curiosity which flows the other way, namely from donor-conceived children who want to find out about their biological parents, is often vastly stronger.

Inspired by the TV series ‘Born From the Same Stranger’, he’s looking for a way to enable his donor-conceived children to find out background information from and/or about him. He’s not at this stage looking for information on his children or direct contact with them, though he’s not permanently excluding that possibility in future if any of his donor-conceived children wanted that.

Can anyone suggest a way through which he could make himself available for his donor-conceived children to find him and find out background information about him, whilst continuing to preserve his anonymity until such time as he chooses to accept more direct contact or reveal more about his identity?

I think what a pp said about how your children might feel, in terms of being usurped, is very important. There could be unforeseen consequences to meeting donor children.
Not exactly the same but when I was a child my parents were also foster parents and had a long placement of a little boy a few months older than me. I remember feeling jealous that my parents really bonded with this kid and the upset to the birth order really did have an impact.

He should be aware that it would only take a close relative or two to register with one of the DNA sites and he will be traceable anyway. If a paternal and a maternal cousin of his register it would be enough to tie him (or any brothers he has) to any children who are looking. Even with just one cousin/sibling/niece/nephew putting DNA on line it can be enough to build a tree that leads to your DH. So while donors theoretically still have anonymity there are ways and means beyond their control that can expose them. I doubt people uploading their DNA stop to wonder if their uncle ever donated sperm, if their granny was adopted or any of the family secrets it could expose.
Your DH should definitely discuss this with your DC asap and take whatever steps he feels comfortable with to give information to any children that resulted from his donation.
Most donor conceived children that are looking for their donor's aren't hunting down an absent father to question why he abandoned them and people who think he has been a feckless father have totally miss understood the process.
Good luck to him.

@LadyBird1973 - sorry to hear you had that experience. Yes, this is something we will think about. The age difference would be 20+ years, which should help, but it could still be quite strange for them.

@Girlontherailreplacementbusservice - very good point re the extended family and that he might be found that way. Another thing to reflect on.

I think he needs to assume he will be found and the sooner it's discussed the better.

Time to find support agencies that offer counselling for this scenario.

Hopefully you have a relationship where you can be brutally honest about feelings should some turn up and jealousy occurs?

What do you mean? I don’t understand your comment.

@Savagecabbage101 - @MamaAlwaysknowsbest seems to have misunderstood the situation and thought “sperm donor” was a euphemism for a man who had fathered children and then pissed off and ignored his responsibilities for decades.

All I can say is that I would not support this. If I had DC with him I absolutely would 100% not invite this stress into our lives. Speaking from experience of long lost family appearing in my DC life that it can be an utter fucking nightmare and for them, they are stuck with these people who they have no shared history with, no memories or life experiences, only tie is sharing biological matter.

Thanks, @PTSDBarbiegirl. That sounds really tricky. More food for thought.

Thanks, @RandomMess We can be very honest with each other but there may be unexpected issues arising. We will approach with care.

I do think your more pressing issue is coming to terms with the fact he will probably be found, rather than "if", and the impact it may have on your own children.
Yes it was anonymous at the time, but all it takes is one of the children born from his donation to use Ancestry or 23&me alongside any of his biological family members: brothers, sisters, uncles, parents.. even your own children eventually. I expect back in the 80s nobody expected this to be a possibility and yet here we are.

Absolutely @FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant one of those donor conceived is almost certainly going to do some online DNA research, and/or one of their children will, with or without knowing the situation. If it doesn't immediately reveal the donor, it will find relatives who are on the databases.

Similarly one of the donor's children or other relatives may uncover one of the unidentified children who has put their DNA 'out there'.

What a load of bollocks.

I too would proceed with caution. Your thoughts come from good intentions, but sometimes you open a can of worms and then wish you hadn't, but can't go back. Imagine the worse case scenario, how bad it could get, and then discuss how you would handle it.

But that can of worms could be opened by one of the DHs relatives using a DNA kit and website so it's probably best to talk to the OPs DC sooner rather than later because her husband could literally get a phone call tomorrow from a cousin to say to say I've just been contacted on Ancestry by someone who is your biological child. The potential for the cat to be let out of the bag isn't just within his control.

Thanks, everyone. These are really helpful thoughts and insights.

@Oblomov24 - love your name. Studied the book at uni many moons ago. Certainly lends itself to essays - easy to discuss!

Wonder if the people putting these vile comments feel the same way about egg donation or parents giving babies up for adoption.

H discovered an entire new branch to his family tree living in another country because of 23andme. He had a relative that went missing shortly after WW2, leaving family in the UK. Close relatives were identified in the US. Phone conversations were had, dots were joined etc. H has never told the closest living relative remaining in UK as they would be so traumatized.

All it would take is a close relative of OP's husband and a close relative of any child from the donated sperm, and bingo, the connections can be made.

And could, in the future be in the hands of your own DC’s. What if they, at some point in the future, have a DNA test done and added to a data base? They could find unknown family too.

Probably the time for an open discussion with your DC’s about any possiblities in the future.

As an adoptee who traced both parents and only recently (in the last two years) met my birth father and ho family, I would absolutely encourage your husband to find ways for his donor-conceived 'children' to learn more about him.
I've developed a good relationship with my paternal birth family (not so much with my birth father but he's been kind and answered questions) The relationships have been an unexpected bonus rather than a necessity for me.
It was important to me to see what he looked like and, primarily, to have a family medical history.
Even if all he could offer is his first name, a photo and a medical history, that could be so important to the dc child.

Be aware that sperm banks also sold donated samples to each other - you could donate in London and find out it was used in clinics all over the country.

I think from what I understand the man wants to provide these donor conceived children with some background information on himself, family health history etc. it’s not my understanding he is planning on inviting these people round for Sunday lunch.

It’s probably a good idea to tell your children that they have biological half siblings, it’s information about themselves they deserve to know.

Good idea. They may feel unsettled by having all these new half siblings (plus worried about inheritance etc)

Absolutely this. Not sure how a person born via sperm donation would feel about just being alive because dear dad needed a few quid when he was a student, to be honest.

Even a one night stand has some sort of emotion attached to it.