Husband donated sperm in 1980s and wants to offer information to his donor-conceived children (if they are interested)

[Dery]

Posted on the “donor conception” board also but that doesn’t look like it gets a great deal of traffic.

My husband was a sperm donor in the early 1980s, at a time when donors were guaranteed lifetime anonymity.

While he’s long been mildly curious about the children who might have been conceived from his sperm, he realises that the curiosity which flows the other way, namely from donor-conceived children who want to find out about their biological parents, is often vastly stronger.

Inspired by the TV series ‘Born From the Same Stranger’, he’s looking for a way to enable his donor-conceived children to find out background information from and/or about him. He’s not at this stage looking for information on his children or direct contact with them, though he’s not permanently excluding that possibility in future if any of his donor-conceived children wanted that.

Can anyone suggest a way through which he could make himself available for his donor-conceived children to find him and find out background information about him, whilst continuing to preserve his anonymity until such time as he chooses to accept more direct contact or reveal more about his identity?

@Niassa - I can see how that would’ve been irritating. DH started donating after seeing a talk by Baroness Warnock asking for donors. He was in his 20s so a bit older than the students you describe.

@Niassa I remember fellow male students laughing and joking about the money they made donating sperm too. It was awful. I'd like to think that they feel differently about it now.

this is just sick.

So have checked with DH: he doesn’t recall laughing and joking about donating sperm. He heard a talk by Baroness Warnock on the need for sperm donors which prompted him to do it.

I think it’s wonderful that he wants to give those families he helped create some information to help them understand more about their identity. Really fantastic, good for him.

There are always some women who will see anything a man does as selfish/bad/having an ulterior motive.

I think society has come to realise that knowing their roots is very important to adopted or donor conceived children. Back in the 80s I think maybe we were thinking more about the couples wanting a baby and didn't give much consideration to how children might potentially feel with half their information missing. It's good that the men who donated (for whatever reason) are willing to give more than they initially intended. They are trying to do the right thing by children they were never intended to know or parent.

OP I think that your dh could put medical background, information on ethnicity and a note saying why he donated, without necessarily giving his name but I think he should be prepared for people to be able to work out his identity if he puts dna on these sites. So if he really wants anonymity then I'd be inclined to stay away altogether.
But I do believe that ultimately he should let any children know who he is because he is part of their make up and I don't think it's morally right to deny a person that information.

Want to give a reason why?

Because all these children will want him to love them

Can he offer all his love and being the father they never had now ?

@MamaAlwaysknowsbest - he donated in the early 1980s to couples who were unable to conceive because of issues with the male partner’s fertility. The children will be in their late 30s/early 40s - well into adulthood. I don’t think they will want his love.

Thanks very much for these further posts. Lots of really helpful suggestions here which DH and I are reading with interest.

I think he needs to be aware that they will highly likely want to meet. Do you have DC how do they feel about it all?

Definitely open and honest discussions.

They may turn up with issues that they weren't told or has crap parents.

Can he offer all his love and being the father they never had now ?

You don't think they had fathers who brought them up, fed and clothed and housed them, parented and loved them?

How insulting to those men to say that.

OP, I'd be inclined to stick to official registers of donors. That way only people who are actively looking will find him.

The risk with Ancestry and similar sites is that someone might find a match who isn't actively looking for the donor, or who possibly doesn't even know that they (or possibly their parent, they could have adult children by now) were donor conceived.

Can he make known nonidentifying information such as nationality, first name, physical appearance, aducation, age range, medical issues and family history? Any children would possibly be very happy with that.
If your husband is unsure of whether to meet, leaving out his full name and address is sensible.
How do your own children feel? Perhaps they would like the anonymity to remain.
Your own children might not be able to fully comprehend the meeting until they are at least mid twenties or even thirty. My relative's nephew was quite traumatized in a way that was not predictable when he found out that he was usurped in being the oldest child by a previously unknown but very confident donor sibling surprise. It's taken your husband until age 50 to decide on some disclosure. Your children could need similar maturity before confronting reality of a sibling.

@RandomMess and @Abouttimeforanamechange - thanks for these further thoughts. Yes, we do have children (late teens) and DH will definitely sound them out sensitively before doing anything.

Nothing to add except huge respect to you and your DH. I’m currently holding our (enormously loved) baby, who we couldn't have had without a sperm donor. I’m grateful every day.

Don't be ridiculous

Mama clearly doesn't always know best. This is not a feckless father impregnating women and then fucking off without paying child support. This is a man who has donated sperm to a clinic, which couples could go to for male factor infertility. If the male in that couple walked away, it is not OP"s husband's responsibility to fill their emotional void. It is unlikely to have been single women attending nearly 40 years ago, and even if it were, that is their responsibility, not his.

Thanks @Farwell and @user1492757084. More food for thought. @YellowHatt - thank you for your heartwarming words!

It’s true that although mildly curious for himself, until he saw the programme, DH hadn’t fully appreciated that donor-conceived children might also want to know more about their donors. But obviously he will need to proceed carefully to do this in the best way possible.

I don't have any further suggestions for yourself or DH but just wanted to say that I'm very confused by some of these responses. I also watched the programme you're referring to and I think it shows your DH to be extremely empathetic to consider that he may be holding answers for someone (or several people) out there. It sounds as though as he has given it a lot of consideration and I really hope you're able to proceed with this with the info you've been given.

That's a good idea

Thanks for your kind wishes, @Mortimermay!

I think a few posters thought sperm donor was some kind of euphemism for a feckless father who’d decided - decades too late - to put in an appearance.