Anyone else's teen like this? Doing very little...

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DD is 15 (16 this year) and is a good girl, kind and has never really been any trouble. I would say she can lack confidence though.

But she doesn't seem to have any interests and has just spend the entire week indoors, seemingly mostly in her PJs and watching things on her laptop. I've tried to encourage her meet with friends (she does have friends) but she wasn't at all interested and just wants to be in. She's like this most weekends too and will only occassionally go out. Her main 'hobby' seems to be relaxing. She is also revising for GCSEs but has been like this for years pre Y11.

IS anyone elses teen like this? And has it been a stage? I worry about her although she seems very happy.

TIA

We have one like this and one polar opposite.
Social one has many lovely friends, and 2 besties from Yr7, friends with my friends kids, boyfriend, part time job along with A levels. Always doing something.
The other one barely speaks, spends all their time online, hasn’t left house during half term, hell, they've hardly left their bedroom! I’m hoping its just a phase and I agree its a worry.
I think lockdown occurred at just the wrong time for youngest. They’ve got a good group of friends at school but they just seem to socialise online…
It didn’t help that as they started secondary a few of the local friends from primary started drinking (at 11!) and getting in a bit of trouble so they dropped those friendships, so to see anyone they need a lift as no public transport here. They’re doing okay at school so i suppose thats something!

Thank you for all the replies.

Interestingly my son who was quite lonely in juniors has blossomed and is always out with his friends (and online). He loves trying new things and always up for going out. A real change for the positive there.

I have one like this and another who trains or plays sports 5 days a week.

Try and get her out in the fresh air for a walk with you. Just 20 minutes a day would be a great start.

Wow, I could have written this post. Mine are so so similar

Yes I have two like this ! 16 and 13 ds - they seem happy and eat dinner with us every night, happy to go out to a restaurant or cinema but don’t go out. Haven’t been out for half term. Older ds plays online with friends. They loved lock down.

Not sure what to do, I feel like we at a cross roads and don’t want to misstep. I can arrange counselling for ds 16 as he says he has social anxiety- but I think everyone does. As a plus he is not on social media much. But he is not creating anything. Probably some neuro diversity—-

they go to school and college ok and are not skinning up on street corners like some kids we know but would like a middle ground !!!

As a teen I was either in my room reading or out with friends. I guess now the most fun things are in their rooms. Plus DH and I are always online so what do we expect? It is hard to know if it’s ok to do nothing

those with older kids, how did it work out ?

If she wants a part time job then presumably she wants money.

Could not being able to afford it be the reason she isn't going to cinema meeting with friends etc?

She's old enough to do babysitting for friends and family if she wants money.

Our daughter was the same at that age, but didn't really have any close friends. That was well before COVID, so you we can't blame it on lockdowns. However, she did go on to be diagnosed with ASD, so looking back perhaps that was the reason. I am not saying your daughter has ASD, just that you are not alone, but for differing reasons. GL.

I think it's quite common, not to say that it's particularly healthy. Will she go and do things with you? My ds doesn't do a lot of independent socialising but we do facilitate his swim schedule so there's a bit of social interaction in there. We also make sure to plan family activities even if its just a walk and a coffee or a trip to the cinema which he will happily engage in so he's not solated and at home all the time. Every now and again he will meet up with mates and have a nice time. Its preferable to what I was up to at the same age. I do think socially children and teens are less mature due to the covid period so maybe she will just be a bit late to the parry with developing a social life.

My SS is 16 and is exactly like this. He arrived on Weds and has only left the house to walk the dog (when forced to). Drives me bloody mental.

My 15 year old spends a lot of time in her room, but she's often doing art, homework, revision etc. She does do a weekly dance class and is in her school production but I do worry about her spending too much time in her room.

My 13 year old loves to just stay home in her room, listening to music. She would happily do that all the time and rarely wants to get together with friends (so whenever she suggests it I always say yes!) but I've always insisted she has to do at least one active hobby (i.e. a sport or similar) so that she does get out of the house regularly and spends time around other people.

Mine is like this, but has joined a gym recently and does go, so I’m not going to complain. I was drinking and having sex at her age.

You say yourself she is good, kind and seems happy- I really think you are worrying about nothing! Especially as she does have friends- she just doesn't feel the need to see them at weekends as she sees them all week at school. She's just an introvert.

Remember how much worse a 15 year old could be and thank your lucky stars!

Same 🙂 I did spend a good few months worrying about him, but I do think if they’re happy, why should we worry?

My 16yo y11 son is very similar in terms of having friends, no sports, but not wanting to make arrangements with them and being happy to be at home all week this week.

But he is also happy to be with us as parents, so we’ve left the house every day eg for a cinema trip, lunch out, coffee and cake out, supermarket trip, clothes shopping etc. Nothing exciting! Ive also given him a job to do every day eg cooking dinner, some laundry, making cookies. He volunteers each weekend, so he’s done that too. He’s done revision every morning.

I worry as his social life revolves only around family. And it puts the onus on us to keep him active and engaged with things outside the home. I’m hoping it comes together. He is a really good kid, plenty of chat, kind and loving. He does have ASD.

She does babysitting for neighbours but the jobs aren’t that regular. It’s not that she lacks confidence at all. And definitely not a money issue, I’ve offered on numerous times to pay for her yo go out.

on the rare occasions she does go out she’s in such a great mood when she gets back. I

Yes for sure. She’s a lovely girl but I’d just like a bit of middle ground if that makes sense. Not hanging out on street corners getting pissed and not barely leaving her room.

What's her confidence like overall?

You say she loves it when she actually goes out but seems reluctant to go - I do wonder whether she finds it a bit scary thanks to COVID/lockdowns and struggles to get her confidence up.

is she able to get involved in Duke of Edinburgh? Do they run it at her school or wherever she may be going for 16-18?

I commented just above but D of E has been the one biggest thing that has made a difference lately for DS. He has gone in at silver, so has needed to do a weekly physical activity (he did an after school football skills session, the first time he’s ever played football outside of a garden) for 26 weeks, 13 weeks of a weekly skill (he chose a cooking class as he loves to cook) and has volunteered weekly for 52 weeks at our local parkrun. He started off fairly clueless but over time he has done all of the volunteer roles they have, multiple times, and is now very comfortable and more confident than ever (still low comfidence overall, but has made massive progress). The kids can choose what they like to do, as long as all bases are covered, so they can develop hobbies and interests through it. It gave him structure and I’d really recommend it. Of course, anyone can do any of those things independently, but the D of E structure helped maintain motivation and interest for him.

Agree. Some kids just don’t want to be social and can’t really handle having social demands placed upon them because they’re autistic.

I remember as a teen feeling the pressure to do what other teens did - wandering the streets, hanging out at the park, then later on clubbing. I HATED it and generally tried once and never again. Thought there was something wrong with me. Nope - I was just autistic. Shame it took another 25 years to figure it out.

My DD is exactly like this and I really worry for her.

But I was the opposite and definitely an extrovert, getting drunk, doing drugs and having sex.

I have to remember that she’s not me and I need to be careful to not force my views on her.

Many of my DDs friends who are more extroverted are also out getting drunk and doing drugs etc.

My DD is also in year 11 and I was thinking of letting her focus on her GCSEs and then start encouraging her to join more hobbies over the summer, ready for college.

Its difficult because kids are different nowadays and you want to find the balance between letting them do what they want and making sure they’re making healthy choices.

DD16 is similar. I was out all the time at her age. However, it is different. I wanted freedom to rebel as my parents were so strict. DD is happy at home, gets the freedom she wants, is in contact with all her mates all the time on Snapchat. Goes out maybe once a week, there's not much to do and she ends up in McDs with a friend.
As long as she is studying, is happy and keeps communicating then it's up to her how she spends her downtime.

I used to worry about my son all the time. Never wanted to do anything, just gaming in his room. He did play rugby once a week but wasn’t into anything else. The thing I insisted on was eating together-but I used to stress a lot. Now, he’s 26, about to get married, has a masters and good job and a nice bunch of close friends. He laughs about how he was in his teens. My (maybe worthless) advice is try not to stress too much-is she happy and doing well at school? Is she respectful when she speaks to you? Some people are just natural introverts-and Covid exaggerated that tendency.

Thanks you for this and in answer to your question she is doing well at school and yes she’s respectful when she speaks to me and other adults. She’s not perfect but she’s a good kid.

The thing that would worry me most is the lack of exercise, I would encourage her take up a fitness class/join the gym/swimming or going out a walk with you a few times a week