always making the arrangements with friends?

[hariboss]

feeling a bit low today because it feels like I've lost my way with friends and I'm feeling almost apathetic about next steps.
I'm 50 and have never had a huge social network, usually just a handful of friends. It's always felt like a peripheral member of the group and I've always been the one to initiate contact. When I do initiate contact, people come along, but it's always always me.

Always.

After our last lunch out a month ago, I left it, waiting to see if any of them (group of 4) got in touch to suggest somethjng.They didn't. I did similar last year with a friend who I'd suggested our last half dozen meet ups
together and haven't heard anything for a year. When we did meet up, I was the listening ear as they talked about themselves, so even on occasions where we did meet, it wasn't always the most fun time, barely said a word about myself.
Is this just how it is, or do I try to make new friends?

Sounds familiar to me. I just try and assess if I'm getting something from it, to decide whether to proceed. I think lots of people are in this position!

yeah. I do wonder what I get from it sometimes! I have a lovely sister and a lovely husband and get so much more from those relationships but I know that my kids will
leave home eventually and I feel the pressure
to nurture friendships, but when people don't nurture back, I feel like a bit of a
mug!

Im kind of similar. I dont know why. It makes me feel kind of insecure and needy.

yeah, that's it!
I'm like nurture back please, or what's this all about, this one sided thing?!

i know exactly how you feel OP snd as we get older it’s harder to make really good friends.
I think it’s very common.

I’ve given up being the nurturing one, the one always reaching out and suggesting activities or meet ups.
I’ll probably die a lonely old woman but that’s ok. I’m content with my own company. It’s a skill I’m glad to have cultivated over the years of one sided friendships. Sad but true.

yeah, I wondered if it was a getting older thing. I think I was definitely more proactive in seeking out people when younger and I also had a much higher tolerance for being messed about or putting all the work in!

You could be overthinking this.

That aside join a few hobbies and you’ll meet people who you share natural interests with

I have this problem too. If I didn't arrange anything I don't think I would see a soul. Nobody ever suggests we meet up and I wonder if I just look desperate and lonely.
I have stopped messaging a friend I have known for 30 years, purposely left it to them to arrange something, I have now not heard from them since October.
Sorry I don't have any suggestions, but you're not the only one in this situation

The advice on mumsnet is generally ‘they don’t care enough, get new friends’.

But I see it that there’s people who make things happen and those that sit back. If people are generally keen to see you and accept the plans and you enjoy their company, then I would accept the dynamic. I’m more relaxed about that sort of thing than some people though.

Some people expect you to just chip in and talk. Either because they're not good at asking questions or holding reciprocal conversations, anxiety, feel like it's being too nosy, or because a dynamic had been set up where they feel there quite a private person and don't like to say a lot, or because the majority of their other conversations are quite boisterous and involve people chipping in and talking over.
They may feel they've had a bloody good offloading session or they may feel they've carried the conversation. But you may have a better feel for that?

I think I'd give it one more go and see if I can change the dynamic by being a little more assertive with the conversation flow.
You can chip in with eee I just have to tell you this... and see what happens.

As for organising. I don't tend to be an organiser. Organising means having a thick skin and accepting people might not come. It may be they don't feel comfortable organising. It may be they think you are busier than you are and wouldn't come. As you've said the first group always come then I wouldn't write them off.

Work on finding some other friendships then if you feel a bit more casual to these old friends you'll naturally make fewer arrangements

You have to cast your net far and wide to find real friends.

It’s a complete numbers game, it sounds like that hasn’t been your thing and you keep your circle small.

You need to find people who you really have something in common with. I have two friends that love a political debate, one is a political journalist and we met as we both worked in political fields. I love stats and picking apart social policy as do they. Three others share my absolute love of hiking and like me were heavily in to sport when young.

What do you like? What really gives you absolute joy?

You have to do a bit more thinking about why it’s happening. I have a friend whom I don’t see often but she has a lot of commitments due to a difficult family situation (health issues) i know thins and I try to be understanding.
On the other side I have another friend who would love to meet up more often for activities but it’s not feasible for me financially. She is better off but I don’t think she was realizing for quite a while that it’s my problem. And before anyone comments I did tell her but it took it quite a while to sink in. If you are suggesting in a group chat people can be not confident posting their real problems: health, money etc even with good friends and just opt for not replying.

I have a friend i arrange to meet and she talks about herself non stop. I often think she just wants an audience, not a friend.

I relate. I try and think of it as some people are initiators and some people aren't, rather than a personal thing, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I've let friendships drift as a result

one friend has taken early retirement and the other doesn't work (doesn't need to, financially very secure)
I've messaged individually and in a group. Always happy to do whatever, but never initiated by them. Feels one sided and definitely not a reciprocal thing.
I think I probably do need to join some more clubs and widen my social networks.

I'm usually the initiator, and it can be really demoralising because you end up feeling like people don't actually want to spend time with you enough to bother asking to see you.

Agree, it does feel one sided in these circumstances. I wouldn’t close the door completely on them but try to widen my circle for sure.
I was told some time ago that sometimes you can’t have one person for everything, it more realistic to have one for chatting, one for walks, one for theater trips etc. I’m putting it in practice atm and I think it works better for me.

I know how you feel OP as it's exactly the same with me.
I retired last year so have lots of people I'd like to catch up with. However if I didn't take the initiative I'd be sitting at home doing nothing and seeing nobody.

yes, thats exactly how it feels

yea, exactly. This is why I continue doing it, knowing that I'd have no friends if I didn't initiate

Try joining meetup. If you are on Facebook look for local walking groups etc.

Have you told them op? It might be a bit awkward but if it’s at the point of choosing to end the friendship it might be a worth while last ditch effort?

I think sometimes people can be lazy and sometimes others just aren’t as invested in the friendship as you. I was aware I was coating a bit with a group of friends and put some effort in to instigating some meet ups. That was after one of them made a comment on the group along the lines of “it would be really lovely to see you all. I know I usually make arrangements, but I’m feeling so exhausted at the moment with other stuff I don’t have capacity to organise anything. If anyone else wants to suggest a time/place though It’ll be lively to see you”. several of us took this on and made extra effort.

As an aside (and I’m sure this isn’t the case) but I have also known some people who complain about being the instigator, but it’s because they want to control everything. Eg I had a friend who used to moan, but if someone else suggested something she always ended up taking charge or having a forceful opinion on where/when/what we were doing.

Op feeling the same here. If I dont suggest the breakfast/meetups months pass. Be nice a two way effort. Im def thinking people got lazy. My dd does it well sport and few friend groups. Even my husb friends if we dont chase them to meet nothing... u get tired this

You are obviously an organiser! So am I! Lots of people need organisers to sort them out and make plans… they just don’t have the confidence to sort logistics or initiate plans themselves. Now whilst acknowledging that this isn’t great, and it would be nice if someone else sorted stuff out for once… it may be best just to accept that some people are just rubbish at it - better to organise stuff yourself than sit at home on your own feeling sad that no-one else has organised anything? The upside is that you can always suggest things that YOU want to do, on a date to suit you! If your friends are happy to come, and you enjoy being with them - keep organising..! If they are ‘drains’ - always talking about themselves, and selfish… then bin them…. and make an effort to make more friends who are kinder. I do think it’s worth the effort - proper female friends are a joy… my friends have all acknowledged that I am ‘team captain’… they step up occasionally on the organising front, but most of the time it’s me that sorts us out - they all then join in enthusiastically and we always have a happy time. Proper friends really come into their own when times are tough - despite being rubbish organisers, mine held me and my family up so strongly through bereavement and my DH being seriously ill… they were a tower of strength… they really couldn’t organise a p**s up in a brewery though - honestly - I couldn’t care less and will keep sending those bossy whatsapps !!!

Ah Op

I feel the exact same, some of my friends it’s a 2 way thing, but others, I wouldn’t see if I didn’t make the effort. As I get older (now wrong side of 60), I am starting to think that I will drop some friends.

I have been trying to re connect with an old school friend for last year or 2, as we are both now retired and kids grown up - she makes all the right noises, but never any dates forthcoming. I am not contacting her again.

A close family member has recently had a major Op that has been in the pipeline for 18mths.

The Op came suddenly, I messaged people when it had happened and again when patient discharged, as friends had been asking about it. All sent best wishes, my closest friends sent flowers/chocs on discharge, another sent a card, but the majority have not been in touch since.

Just a ‘How are things’ text from distant friends, or a ‘do you want a walk or coffee’ text from local friends (esp the one who lives a few doors away!), would be lovely!

Yes I know people are busy, but it’s really showing me who I can call a friend. I feel quite sad at the moment.