always making the arrangements with friends?

[hariboss]

feeling a bit low today because it feels like I've lost my way with friends and I'm feeling almost apathetic about next steps.
I'm 50 and have never had a huge social network, usually just a handful of friends. It's always felt like a peripheral member of the group and I've always been the one to initiate contact. When I do initiate contact, people come along, but it's always always me.

Always.

After our last lunch out a month ago, I left it, waiting to see if any of them (group of 4) got in touch to suggest somethjng.They didn't. I did similar last year with a friend who I'd suggested our last half dozen meet ups
together and haven't heard anything for a year. When we did meet up, I was the listening ear as they talked about themselves, so even on occasions where we did meet, it wasn't always the most fun time, barely said a word about myself.
Is this just how it is, or do I try to make new friends?

@Frazzledatfifty
Proper friends really come into their own when times are tough

That is so true - I knew instantly who the flowers/chocs were from, friends who have been in my life 40+ years, we have supported each other through a number of adversities in those years, including bereavement.

It's hard OP isn't it? I'm 48 & esp since covid I just think people are rubbish at arranging things & want to stay at home more. I message one friend regularly & she is never free but also never suggests a date when she is free so I'm starting to think she just isn't that bothered about meeting up with me. It's demoralising tbh. I need more hobbies & a bigger group of friends. I have a close friend I see once a week but honestly it sometimes feels like I'm just her therapist to offload all her problems & worries onto & I sometimes come away realising I've barely spoken the whole time. I tend to be the organiser & I'm sensitive so I do find it upsetting & frustrating on group chats when people just don't bother replying or they just say they are busy but don't suggests alternatives they can make 🤔

You have stop the time wasters too. Must catch up soon xx. I dont bother now.. I remember meet a school mam it was so much hassle. She took weeks to pin her to a date. Am thinking it should not be this draining. I dont know) people are fickle i think.

I think this is a good take. I'm usually the initiator too, in most of my friend groups. Interestingly I met a person from one group one on one and they mentioned that they never initiate in our group or with me because they don't want to impose on people who might not want to see them. So we can't assume that we're dragging people out who don't otherwise care. It can be daunting to initiate a group arrangement especially when that's usually someone else's role.

I do think people get wrapped up in their everyday lives and it can be easy for them to forget about friends too, but that's only part of the story.

How is there so many of us in the same situation?! I think lots of my friends don’t initiate anything as they don’t want to host. It does really make me wonder if they want to get together but whenever I suggest it they are happy to come along.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic recently. I’m often the instigator and I can sometimes spiral into thinking that those people who never reach out first don’t value my friendship.

But when I’ve really thought about it I agree that you can easily fall into roles in a friendship (especially when forged over decades) and some people don’t realise they can do something different. The real test is whether, when you instigate, they act with enthusiasm and you actually get together?

It’s easy enough to never commit to a date if you genuinely don’t want to meet up. So for me, I’m stopping bothering with anyone who so obviously doesn’t want to try. But I’m going to continue trying with people who respond even if they don’t reach out first.

I'm also working on making peace with the fact friendships can wax and wane over time and that’s not always about me. So many things can affect the time/energy you have for friendships that aren’t about the people in the friendship itself!

Always being the listener is a different issue though!

Sounds like you might benefit from meeting some new people as well? Doesn’t have to be an ‘either or’ situation though. Keep up with the people you like (even if you’re stuck as the instigator) and try and form some new friendships where you can take on a different role?

Absolutely you need to do some things you absolutely love and meet people that way.

With me it isn't a case of people not wanting to host as we don't meet in each other's houses.
There aren't really any groups I can join as there's not much going on in my town. Having had a very domineering mother I never make the first move towards people as I think they wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me and couldn't bear the thought of rejection.

Just tiring always being the organiser. Then the friendship is all one sided effort. That was my experience

i agree. Depending on where you’re all at in your life once a month is quite regular to catch up, I wouldn’t be reaching out to friends before that. However I am in a number of different group chats with different groups of friends, the more active chats are the ones who see eachother more. Perhaps you could start a chat with the friends you went to lunch with and you may start to feel more connected to them.

Some people want to initiate but just don't have the confidence/self-esteem. So bear with them - they'll always be glad you asked. It can take a long time before they initiate, sometimes years, but they will get there if you can stick it out.

i could be one of your friends. Going out is a massive hassle to me, i love a chat over messages but i’m way too overloaded with family and work to arrange going out. I have friends who i haven’t seen for years but talk most weeks. work friends are always trying to get me for some meet up or other but i just really don’t enjoy it.