Are you good at treating yourself?

[Goonjustbuyit]

I need to learn how to treat myself! Tell me how!

Money is not an issue (I'm very lucky in that respect) but I excel at self deprivation and seem incapable of treating myself. If I see something I like, it takes a lot of rumination before I inevitably talk myself out of buying it. I'll set 'rules' around buying clothes - think capsule wardrobe or minimalism. I wish I could go and browse pleasurably and pick up bits and bobs. I will even prevaricate over supermarket flowers. I'm the weirdo who has no problem eating 2 squares of chocolate. Enlighten me on how to treat myself better/live more pleasurably!

I have no idea how to change you - my Mum does the same as you. Denial is her middle name. However, I tend to rush in and buy myself nice stuff before sense can prevail so maybe try that. You see something nice, you buy it. Worry about it later.

I think you either are or you aren’t.
Even when we were less financially stable I would make damn sure I treated myself.
Now we are comfortable and I treat myself regularly because I enjoy it.
If I was stressing about what to buy it would take the pleasure away completely- if you don’t want anything that’s fine, you don’t have to have anything!

What do you want but don't need? For instance I'm about to book laser hair removal because it'll save me time and no itchy regrowth. Quite expensive and not necessary but sod it. I also plan to get hair extensions in a few months time. Once you start it becomes easier!

I think it's hard not to save things for best or deny yourself nice things, if that's the way you're wired. I think you have to deliberately force yourself to buy nice things and accept that you deserve them as much as anyone else does. It is hard though, if you aren't used to it!
Start small - buy yourself something on vinted or in the supermarket - set yourself a monthly budget and you must spend it on a non necessity but a thing that you love. And then you must use it within a week of purchase!

I think it's hard not to save things for best or deny yourself nice things

I feel I learnt this lesson at a young age! When I was about 7 my GPs bought me a lovely cord skirt and matching jacket (it was the 70s!). My mum wouldn't let me wear it and said it needed to be saved "for best" except there never was any best! I didn't get to wear it once and then I'd grown out of it. As you can see, it still sticks in my mind to this day! But it taught me to use the things I love, not just hide them away.

I agree with a pp, start small and build up. Next time, buy those supermarket flowers. Don't think, just do it. The way I always see it is that I work hard, life can be tough, if something makes me happy and I can afford it, then I'm getting it. Its much more fun treating yourself than depriving yourself!

I would start by treating myself to some therapy sessions. I'm not being mean or judgemental when I say that. It would help to understand where and how you learned how to deprive yourself - you say it's something you excel at. That's really sad. I think spending some time unpicking that with professional support would be very liberating

I used to be very harsh on myself. I had a lot of therapy, and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm really good at treating myself now, and I'm much more contented and peaceful in general

I wouldn't see buying things as treating myself or likely to give pleasure

What's wrong with not buying stuff you don't really need ? Why does that make you feel bad about yourself?

If I want a treat - sofa and tv, something a bit more complex and tasty for dinner , a walk somewhere nice with a picnic lunch

Do you have any other activities that bring you pleasure?

The whole point of treating yourself is that it is just that - a treat. If you are going to analyse the cost and feel that whatever you looked at/bought is too expensive, or wasn’t really needed, it is quite the opposite!

It sounds, quite sensibly, that you like to justify how you spend your money and making sure it isn’t wasted, but it also seems you’ve categorically decided that spending money on things that will bring you joy is somehow a waste. Maybe have a deeper look into why, in the short lifespan that we get, where you have enough in financial terms, you don’t think it’s worth buying something for yourself that is just beautiful, or that makes you feel good, or is the best quality you can get?

Are you maybe concerned that once you start, you won’t stop? Or that you will regret it afterwards? Or that someone will criticise you? You need to have a think about what is driving the penny counting (which is a good thing!) but why you are not allowed to just enjoy the fruits now and then, and why you as a person somehow don’t deserve it?

I don’t see it as treating myself, I don’t understand that mind set. I am fortunate enough if I wish something, I buy it yes, but I certainly don’t consider it treating myself. I work for it, I earn it, I can spend it how I please.

Totally get the therapy point and recognise theres obviously something underlying! I guess I mean I would like to be someone who just does nice things for themselves (be that buying stuff or going for a massage or something!). I just realised that I can't ever really do that for myself and the stuff I do buy comes from a negative mindset e.g. Buy some moisturiser so I look less haggard, buy some clothes so I look less fat/dated etc. Not sure if I'm expressing it very well!

Op, do you work and earn, is it your own earned disposable income?

Im a bit like you, but when I buy I spend well and the item can last me years. For example, a good cashmere jumper, expensive boots. I'm currently lying on a sofa that I bought in 2002. I have a friend who buys new furniture and redecorates every 3 years. I just can't live like that.

I would start by booking an hour long massage or facial. Start doing that once a month. You will feel good!

Pick two things you will allow yourself whenever you want them. Mine are books and massages.

I buy myself a bunch of flowers from the local supermarket every couple of weeks and a box of my favourite chocolates if I see them. Have been looking at local spas to book for a day as I fancy a bit of pampering

I agree it's probably worth having therapy.

I have a couple of friends who are similarly tight and from the outside looking in, knowing their lives, I can kind of work out why but with both of them it would take a good therapist to get to the root of it.

See it as the first and most important thing you're going to treat yourself to.

You work, you earn, you can spend your money on things to make you happy.

Life is for living and you should do stuff that makes you feel good!

To be fair she never said that. She simply said it wasn’t an issue.

for me there is two schools of thought here.

she doesn’t work, doesn’t financially contribute and as such feels guilty buying stuff.

she does work. If so what is she doing with her money? Saving it? And prefers to save than spend and can’t do a happy medium?

it’s hard to say when she’s not confirmed if the disposable income she wishes to spend is what she earns or not.

I do work, I'm a professional and am the higher earner in my household. I wouldn't say I'm tight either - I spend freely on my DC for example. The money ends up getting saved I suppose and I do have lots of savings but not really consciously if that makes sense! I'd be happy to spend more from a financial perspective.

I do spend money on books without question but that's it. In my late 30s and I've never had a message or facial 😮. Maybe I'll book one!

Have some counselling, to try to find the cause.
I have no trouble treating myself. I buy a silver spangly top if I like it. Order perfume. Go and have my eyelashes dyed occasionally. I like buying myself £1 bunches of daffodils. I like myself enough to know I deserve nothing less.

Ok. Then something psychological then.

I just buy what I wish, clearly within reason, I genuinely don’t see it as treating myself. After all bills paid , savings done, if I wish it, can afford it, I buy it, there is no thought process behind it.

OP, if you can afford it, book a massage facial or manicure. See how you feel. Go from there.

My Moto now @ at 66yrs old is
Ive worked for it, I don’t owe anyone any money, I don’t know how long I got left on this planet
So IM HAVING IT, it’s a nice feeling treating yourself knowing you can afford it

Go on treat yourself , get that vibe you deserve it

But do you actually want a facial? Because you might find out that you don't enjoy it at all, or don't think it's worth it.

Could I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It might help you figure out what your treats are. Eg I decided I wanted more music in my life, so my next step was to research what there was, and I ended up joining a choir organisation that does only weekend events. This year there are lots of interesting looking musicals that I want to go to.

Have a pot or account that a certain amount or % of income goes in. That way when you see something you do want the money is there already.

Having your colours and style done might help shape new habits in terms of buying clothes.

Did your parents treat themselves much? Or did they disapprove of your choices? I think therapy might actually be a good treat to start with.

I've always really struggled with this, due to many years of living off a very small income and having to scrimp and save, find the cheapest possible anything, anything 'good' saved for best, and frankly not feeling I'm worth it.

I have a decent income now, and still generally very small outgoings so really trying to revise my approach to spending money.

Since this Christmas I've been really trying to spend more on good quality things without it being a big deal and 'requiring' weeks and weeks of thought and stressing that takes away any sense of actual enjoyment.

It's working! And I'm actually really enjoying the things I've bought, not feeling like any nice things I have have to be saved for a best thst never comes, and slowly upgrading my lifestyle.