Living with someone who is hard of hearing

[whatisforteamum]

I find it quite stressful tbh.
Years ago dh was given hearing aids after joking for ages that. He tuned out from my chatter.
They take some getting used to so I had to bear with.
Nine or ten yrs later he still misses lots and repeating everything is exhausting.
He will wear them if we go out.
Anyone else constantly repeating sentences.
It causes arguments and misunderstanding.
I know it is not his fault.

It is so annoying. I've almost fallen out with my dad on holiday because of this. He does the following

• doesn't acknowledge your question or request, so you have no idea if he's processing it or hasn't heard. If he has heard he will be very offended and think you're nagging him if you say 'did you catch that?' Or 'are you listening?' But equally if you assume he has heard it and he hasn't will claim you never told him.

• can totally mishear things and do the wrong or opposite thing as he's heard a tiny bit of it. Again will get offended if you check things out with him.

• any excuse not to wear the very very expensive hearing aid.

• will accuse you of shouting at him.

• if you ask in a long winded, polite way there will be too many words for him to process so you'll have to repeat lots of times and then he'll repeat it bacj simply 'you want the brown bag' but if you ask 'please pass the BROWN Bag' he'll get offended.

I feel a bit for your husband in this. I have partial hearing (98% deaf in one ear and have about 50% in the other) sadly the frequency of my deafness is not conducive to hearing aids according to the consultant I saw so I have to just put up with it. I know it drives my husband mad some days as I just don't hear things. And I get down when people comment that we have the subtitles on constantly on the TV. I have learnt to lip read myself but I still get a lot wrong and I have wanted to start learning BSL but would need others to learn with me, and it's finding that time for us all to learn.

If the hearing aids work when outside of the house for him he should maybe wear them in the house, but maybe it amplifies it all a bit much so it's a bit of a sensory overload for him at home.

We don’t know what the husbands experience of wearing hearing aids is. They might be uncomfortable, not work well, amplify background noise, cause tinnitus or any of the other side effects. The side effects may well be much worse for him than the inconvenience is for her.

The op needs to make sure she has his attention before she speaks, and look directly at him while she does, that will make a big difference.

Get him to get a hearing test or you are leaving TB!

I have aids, similar age to your DH and honestly they have transformed my life and the lives of those around me too. I coped ok at work and so on, or so I thought, but like a pp it got very difficult during Covid with the masks. I had obviously been lip reading quite a lot and didn't realise! I used remote headphones for the tv and in ear buds for the radio/podcasts so although the sound was not brilliant, I coped ok. I used the phone either on speaker or through the earbuds. So I eventualy took the plunge and have never looked back.

They are Phonak Paradise if you or anyone wants to have a look. They have an app which tailors sound to your surrounding where needed, e.g. in a restaurant, etc. I don't use that feature too often as the aids have good clarity anyway, but others with different ranges of hearing loss might find it beneficial.

I had meningitis in my 20s which led to the initial hearing loss, but I carried on, until it caught up with me in the end.

OP

why doesn’t he wear them at home? did he get them quite late in life? it can be hard to adjust in that case

I’ve been deaf since birth, had hearing aids of one style or another for over 40 years now. I’ve gone through phases of wearing them a lot / hardly wearing them. I put them in when I leave the house for work, have them in for 10 hours straight and wow it feels good to take them out when I get home: like getting out of office clothes and into your jammies! My ears and my brain get tired.

But I agree it’s hard on the people at home, DH does get fed up. But I literally couldn’t function at work without them - wearing them at home feels optional by comparison.

hearing aids help a deaf person hear like a wheelchair helps a disabled person to walk.

So I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. But it depends on why he didn’t wear them.

He needs to wear them. Not wearing them all the time makes it impossible for his brain to adapt and for them to feel natural.
He also has a much increased risk of developing dementia.

I started to go deaf at 48 and wearing them at first was difficult. But now I don't notice them at all.

I wear hearing aids and whilst it’s nothing like good natural hearing they do make a massive difference to what I can hear. They’re not the most comfortable but it is important for the hoh person to wear them for a few reasons ie
Being more involved with the world around them
It can slow the rate of hearing loss
Hoh can be increased risk of dementia
Better relationships as less frustrating communication
What I do find annoying is people shouting (or bloody mumbling) from another room whilst I’m in the kitchen with domestic appliances running. I don’t stand a chance of hearing them.
I still have subtitles when watching tv despite the hearing aids making a massive improvement in what I can hear.
IMO if you have hearing aids you should persevere with them

You might want to look at what gadgets are around for listening to the TV and radio - there’s quite a bewildering array of devices out there, you don’t have to turn the volume to blast-off level any more. This is just one example:

Deaf Equipment

I have worn hearing aids nearly all my life and I will echo others in saying that they do not restore normal hearing, any more than a prosthetic limb is the same as a normal one. It enables you to function but understanding from others is needed to get the most out of it.

When you don’t hear properly, your brain works overtime filling in the gaps and you often don’t realise you haven’t heard someone until a second or so later when your brain nopes out of it. I think we end up nodding and smiling to give our brains a bit more time and context to decode what we are hearing.

One of these days they ought to do a deaf awareness session that replicates what we hear to someone’s headphones or ear buds. Maybe a podcast with the speech fed through the audiogram of a real hearing loss, or a task with spoken instructions? That would really get our points across.

You both need to forget the idea that you have one method of communication which is speech and listening. You can start to learn BSL together or even create your own signs to be used between the two of you. He can learn to lip read (lip reading classes are available here and there), use subtitles, you can use speech to text or even just write messages or text him. He can speak to audiology if his aids are causing discomfort or not giving him much benefit and they can try different adjustments and recommend equipment that can be used in conjunction with the aids like multi mics and phone clips (you can buy everything from Connevans)

I'm sure you've seen this image but your post just made me think it might be worth sharing here.

Apologies I never meant to bash hard of hearing people.
I'm trying to get advise on how to handle it.
I'm no spring chicken and need glasses to read things.
Dh is 63 and has had aids since 54.
He says he can hear too much...birds,car doors slamming etc.
I have great hearing so we are complete opposites.
A colleague told me the aids can make her dizzy and nauseous.
Dh says the batteries run out too quickly.
I will ask him if he might get them replaced.

The more you use them the brain adjusts and you don't hear the random noises. I used to hear every car on the road - now it just what I heard when my hearing was fine. I'm ok in most settings unless the acoustics are awful - then I can struggle. But I can adjust my hearing aids on the app..
He needs to persevere. It's a lovely world when you struggle to.hear and can't admit it fully.

Neither DH nor DD can wear their hearing aids without getting horrible ear infections that make their hearing even worse (and obviously means they can't wear the HA while the ears are infected anyway).
I dread their hearing getting worse because currently I'm not having the problems you are having (repeating myself), also I'm sound sensitive so dreading the telly needing to be louder.
(Disclaimer: I'm not constantly thinking about this by any means, so dreading may be a strong word!)

Totally agree with all this.

One DS talks really fast, I tell him to slow down a bit, other DS has very bushy beard and moustache - nightmare trying to lip read.

OP (and others) subtitles on TV are a total game changer!

Forgot to add, my DH has adapted very well, he would no more get cross with me than I would with him because he can't read small writing when we're out and he has forgotten his glasses.

A bit of give and take is all it takes.

NearlyHeadlessNick

My dad uses the NHS basic ones and he's still asleep deaf as a post with them in. My mum and I both spent the extra to get really good ones and they're life changing.

How much are ‘good ones’? Can you tell me something about them please? Make /model? My husband has NHS ones and they aren’t very good and not reliable. We’d be happy to pay for better ones if we knew they’d be worth it.

Lots of sensible information on this thread, OP - and I absolutely get you're not shaming HOH/deaf people.

I think I just want to underline, as others have, that HAs do not work like glasses (ie correct your hearing) they can only amplify what you have left. Different brands offer slightly different sound qualities which some people will find helpful but not all. Equally, your partner may need his HAs adjusting/tuning and need different receivers/ear pieces.

I'm moderate-borderline severe deaf in both ears and was diagnosed in my early 40s (ten years ago). I wouldn't be without my hearing aids BUT I still miss a good 10-20% of what is said to me (at a guess) in normal social situations. I really wish it wasn't so but there it is.

There may be all sorts of underlying reasons why your husband is not wearing his HAs. They do take getting used to, it can be hard to accept the disability and they can be quite uncomfortable - not just to wear but the stimulus can be overwhelming BUT communication between partners is really important and you both need to find a way forward so you can communicate effectively which will probably involve a bit of compromise on both sides. And patience on yours.

I do also want to mention that there can be feelings of shame with hearing loss. Not hearing what someone has to say, or follow the joke, not only disrupts connection and belonging but it can also suggest a lack of comprehension on the HoH person's part. It's embarrassing to ask someone to repeat themselves, sometimes more than once and its embarrassing to catch the sometimes irritated initial response (the eye roll, the frustrated tone). The initial reaction is entirely understandable, BTW, everyone wants to be heard but it does compound the nodding along as other posters have mentioned.

Best of luck to you and your partner

My Dad drives us all mad as he really needs to get hearing aids but has resisted all attempts so far!

I have every patience for anyone with any hearing loss (or other disability) if they are helping to help themselves like using hearing / mobility aids; knowing they are only an aid and not a cure, I will continue to do what’s necessary to help, such as facing someone to speak, not covering mouth etc etc, but if they aren’t using the aids to give whatever help is possible, well I’m afraid I lose patience and will make far less effort.

Same here. Tried using NHS ones for several years, had 3 different pairs over that time, they were either useless or just never properly programmed despite repeated visits to the audiology dept. I tried, and tried, to wear them all day, but all I could manage was a few hours at a time because of the background noise, i.e. doors/drawers opening, extractor fan, cooker fan, washing machine, even fridge humming were causing really bad headaches. I was also getting lots of ear infections! In the end I gave up completely. Even when I was wearing them, voices weren't particularly clear.

My hearing got so bad, I went private. What a revelation. I put them in at the appointment (none of the NHS stupidity of several different appointments) - all done in one appointment, i.e. hearing test, consultation, choosing the aids, programming them and fitting them, etc. I could wear them all day, every day, from that first day. None of this "getting used to them malarky" to hide the fact they weren't right! They WERE right. I don't think a day has passed since when I didn't wear them all day. No headaches. Background noises don't over-ride voices, etc. Not a single ear infection either! Best investment I've ever made.

If you havn't suffered hearing loss and havn't suffered crap hearing aids, you really don't know how painful they are to wear. The OP needs to cut their OH some slack and maybe encourage him to go private!

You do realise that cheap, badly programmed NHS hearing aids can cause really bad headaches and still don't necessarily make hearing voices much clearer?? There may be a reason that other people "don't help themselves"!!!

Exactly. Disability really isn’t that simple.

This was my experience too. Though I would add that I also had an unsatisfactory experience with my first private aids.

I think success with hearing aids depends on having a skilled audiologist with experience in your type of hearing loss, and the time to work with you in getting the best solution. However good NHS audiologists may be, they not have the time to give you.

My daughter is def from cancer treatments. At the time it was the least of my worries. Now I can seen how isolated she is and trying to get her to engage and get her attention is exasperating and exhausting. I wish so much it hadn't happened. She hates her aids they make everything too loud even though they've been adjusted etc

My DH is the same and he was retested only six months ago. Drives me mad.