Living with someone who is hard of hearing

[whatisforteamum]

I find it quite stressful tbh.
Years ago dh was given hearing aids after joking for ages that. He tuned out from my chatter.
They take some getting used to so I had to bear with.
Nine or ten yrs later he still misses lots and repeating everything is exhausting.
He will wear them if we go out.
Anyone else constantly repeating sentences.
It causes arguments and misunderstanding.
I know it is not his fault.

I wear hearing aids and lip read

Please face him straight on and speak to him like normal

Please please please do not speak each word slowly it is a nightmare for lip readers

Just speak normally and use regular mouth movements

Maybe leave a gap between paragraphs for him to catch up

But realise it is incredibly tiring to concentrate on conversation and lip reading if you are deaf

Imagine if you wore glasses and took them off then tried to read an old fashioned phone book and read out all of the numbers - you might be able to manage it but it would be very hard work to screw your eyes up to read them and might get some wrong

That is what it is like being deaf and lip reading

I manage to follow a conversation but probably only get about 1 in 2 words correct inside a quiet room but 1 in 5 outside or in noisy places

The problem is that people put their hands over their mouth or turn away or walk away while speaking without realising

My new hearing aids are NHS but are fabulous however it is still hard work and very tiring to be deaf in a hearing world

Yes, I do like putting them on mute via the phone app when I am alone to give my brain a rest and go back to silence

BTW GP surgeries have stopped syringing so have to pay about £50 - £60 to get them done as a suction

Wearing hearing aids can hinder the wax coming out, like in regular hearing people if you wear them all day

Like what?! Why should it be OP's job??

Thank you all.
He is hard of hearing so misses things cashiers say and can hear but like many say better when face to face.
I need to not ramble so much either!
We can't watch TV together as he has it too loud for me.
I agree saying something twice comes across as nagging or is met with anger.
He is mid 60s and his job caused it most likely.

I’m HOH.

I wear my hearing aids all the time and I lip read too. I didn’t realise I lip read until the pandemic when everyone’s faces were covered. It’s what prompted me to get my hearing aids.

We have basic communication guidelines. DH knows that if he has his back to me I’m likely not going to hear him, same if he’s in another room or walking away or if there’s other noise like the tap running or kettle boiling. The rules for communicating with me are different to normal conversations so he had to adapt.

@whatisforteamum how about subtitles?

It works well for us as he can hear it and I can read it.

I agree it can be frustrating OP.

My ex was hard of hearing but would almost gaslight me with it at times, insisting that I was mumbling etc (no one else has ever said this to me). And he wouldn't wear his hearing aids... which to be fair are hard to get used to... but it put such a strain on the relationship.

I think both people have a responsibility to try to be understanding and make it easier for the other.

@whatisforteamum if he wears them and has the app then he can turn up the volume so he can hear at normal level for you . Either that or get him headphones so he can hear .
It's very selfish to put you through that . I am 49 and new to them but I wouldn't not wear them at the detriment of my husbands enjoyment of life .

I found it stressful with my ex. He misses alot he has good hearing aids that he paid alot of money for. But I/others will talk to him and he response yeah, ok, that's a good idea , ok etc etc.... could be a 10 min conversation and it turns out he's not heard a words . Kids gets frustrated as well . They ask for something. He says yes Then has a go at them saying they never asked. Ds chucked up in his car the other week. Because he couldn't hear ds saying he was ill.

It's caused arguments that are more serious as well because he's got the wrong end of the stick and it's caused alot of upset.

Same - even with my aids in I find it easier to follow with subtitles.

And DH doesn't mind them either.

OP end of the day your DH needs to wear his hearing aids.

Oh poor you having to repeat yourself. Hearing aids aren't a cure all. I find mine have limitations and they're uncomfortable to wear all the time. Better to find a solution to communicate more effectively. Speak clearly, facing one another for a start. If there are noises like fans, people, washing machine, cars, etc. going on around you then you may have to move away to communicate more effectively.

It's more frustrating losing your hearing than it is having to repeat yourself.

I a. 55 and I have worn one since I was in my early 40s couple of years ago had them for both ears I find they work well though do take some getting used to I work from hime and often I the house alone so don't wear them so much them
You do need to persevere with it and the more you wear them the more you get used to them and so.etimes it does take some adjusting but there is nothing g worse than not being able to hear properly even with them in its a job to hear in very noisy places as they take in all the sounds around you

I don't know if there is more to your Ex behaviour but IME the problem is that I fill the gaps that I don't hear, with guesswork

Also, driving a car is a nightmare to hear someone in the back seat - concentrating on the road ahead but to hear behind you is extremely hard - so not making excuses for your EX but just to let you know my experience

It isn't our fault that we mishear conversations

I get that it is frustrating for hearing people but it isn't intentional - well for me it isn't anyway

Imagine if you were in a foreign country and didn't understand what people were saying but guessed when you understand the odd word. Or reading a foreign language or watching a foreign film -- you might get the jist of what was happening but not able to understand everything going on so use guesswork for rest of it

I use HA, I have done for nearly 20 years now. They took a while to get used to, but they shouldn't be uncomfortable so if they are they need to be checked. The firat time I wore them into an office (the one I worked in was open-plan) I cried my eyes out because of how noisy it was, which was when I realised quite how bad my hearing had been.

I have my hearing checked every year to ensure they are programmed properly but I still miss some things and prefer to face people if we're talking as I find I also lip-read to some extent. DH and DD know this & make sure to face me - would this help with your DH?

I find the rising tone song mine sing when I put them in and switch them on to be the most amazing sound in the world. Without them it's like being underwater with cotton wool in my ears. I still miss anywhere between 5%- 10% of sound, and conversations, TV and films can cause issues but if your DH is missing so much, it sounds like he needs to get re-tested to make sure that his HA are properly programmed. If they are NHS you should be able to ring the Audiology Dept that he's under to get an appointment. I'm in Wales so just ring & am usually seen within 3 - 6 weeks of ringing (& often far more quickly) but it might take longer where you are.

The BSL suggestion above is a good one - I'm hoping to start learning this year.

Good luck.

Tell him he's increasing his chance of dementia by not wearing hearing aids. Honestly - Google it. Deafness is right up there as a risk factor

This is why I wear mine at 49

If you're deaf you need to wear your hearing aids all the time except in the shower and in bed.

First so you are not a burden to those around you unnecessarily. And second so that you can take part in life as fully as you can.

When you have a disability of any kind you are entitled to manage it in the way that works best for you, not everyone else.

That’s all well and good in theory but sometimes I need a break from mine.

They are incredibly comfortable and I can’t feel them once they’re on but sometimes I feel the need to “air out” my ears.

It’s not that cut and dried.

I spent around 5 years trying to convince DH that he has a problem with his hearing and then another 3 years of him acknowledging there is a problem without doing anything about it. He's finally had an appointment through for an NHS audiology appointment next month. He'd better wear the hearing aids when he gets them! I'm fed up of having to answer for him when he doesn't realise someone has asked him a question or giving the correct answer for him when he gives the wrong answer because he's misheard. I know no one can help having a disability but refusing to use the technology or aids available is just annoying for everyone.

I think the point that the hearing people do not realise is that even with hearing aids we still mishear words

So please do not get annoyed if he still doesn't get everything that is said to him

Also, if someone talks to him from behind then he might still not hear them or with background noise

I think the problem is that hearing people do not actually understand what it is like to be deaf or HoH and so they just get frustrated with us and think we are being deliberately awkward or trying to annoy those around us

Yes, hearing aids work by turning up the volume on the world but they don't make our hearing problems disappear completely they don't help when people mumble and don't pronounce their words properly - it just makes the mumble louder not clearer

Also, please do not shout just speak clearly at a normal speed

@Theminer

<<When you have a disability of any kind you are entitled to manage it in the way that works best for you, not everyone else.>>

You can choose to manage it how you like of course. But there are implications for those around you depending on what you choose to do.

Hearing aids can be very difficult.

It's not that difficult to make a few adjustments to aid communication if your LO is one of the people who finds aids not altogether helpful.
It pisses me off that it's ok to run deaf people down and blame them for being 'irritating '.

Would you mind sharing which hearing aids you use please? My Dad also has NHS ones which are useless. I'd like to recommend some better ones to him but know nothing about them.

I completely agree with you

For some reason being deaf or HoH is seen by others as US being irritating or awkward rather than those around us being awkward & irritating

If the deaf or HoH were born with a visible disability would these people still be irritated or annoyed by us?

Just hope for their sakes they don't have a child or grandchild born deaf or HoH or that they themselves don't become deaf or HoH - is that the only way their attitude would change?