Uncomfortable at work

[WellINeverNora]

n/c for this. Long-term MNer, don’t post much.

I feel like I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my career and it’s not anything to do with how much I like my job.

I work at a senior level in an area you might describe as ‘socially useful’. think charity, social work, something like that. I am senior, and have trained and worked hard for many years in this area, so I am reasonably well paid as are the colleagues I work with who are at the same level. It is a sector full of diversity, interesting people, most of whom are genuinely in it because of a desire to help and a belief in fundamental principles of social justice.

However I am really uncomfortable with some colleagues who I feel make certain judgements about me based on what they know (or think they know) of my life. Implying that I am not committed or somehow fake or just indulging a hobby or something. Reason for this being that I happen to be married to someone who is a high earner. And, there are certain things that go with that which are a bit frowned on in my professional circle - children at independent school, ‘exotic’ holidays, unnecessary cars, that kind of thing. I don’t bang on about these things, I find it quite awkward if I’m asked direct questions, but equally I’m not going to lie and inevitably if you work with people, you share a bit about your lives.

But - they know fuck all about me. They don’t know that I was an addict and doing sex work in my 20s. They don’t know about my mental health struggles and my history of sexual abuse. They don’t know I was in care and fucked up and I was exactly the kind of person I’ve devoted my working life to trying to help. They don’t know how hard I worked - as did my husband actually, he wasn’t born wealthy. And I’m absolutely fucked off with the sneery attitude and feeling like I have to lie about who I am and what I have so that I fit in with their idea of what I should be/think/model.

I could quit tomorrow. I don’t have to work, we don’t need the money. But I feel that what I do is useful and kind of a duty. Plus, a good example for my children, not to mention security should anything happen that affects my husband’s earnings/ our marriage.

I don’t want to, and will not, say anything about my past in order to gain some sort of credibility. It’s absolutely nobody’s business. But I don’t fit in, and I feel fake, and it’s really affecting my confidence and happiness at work.

or is it me who is a hypocrite?

That sounds so difficult OP. Could you take a break from work, find a really kind therapist to talk some of this over with, and then see where things are?

I'm sorry it's so tough for you right now.

I used to work in the charity sector. It is unfortunately full of judgey self righteous people. Leave for a nicer sector and do volunteering in your spare time. People think these jobs make them better people, they don’t always.

You need to write a book and use a pseudonym. Don’t let others stop you doing a job you enjoy. They are not your friends.

It sounds as though they really don’t ‘know’ you because, to a certain extent you haven’t let yourself be ‘known’ .

You sound somewhat ashamed of your past and I wonder if this is something they pick up on - a disconnect in you, perhaps a lack of authenticity? This, in turn, leads to you feeling misunderstood.

Be yourself. Bring your whole self to your job. You have depth. If people see the real you, the person beneath the cars and holidays, they will respect you all the more.

Hmm. I get what you're saying, but I 'know' nothing about them either and I don't feel like I need to. I also don't think that I would be respected more if I spilled my guts about my past. I think I would be pitied. And I am NOT ashamed of who I was or what I did. I got by and I got through and I've done OK. And why should I have to talk to relative strangers about some really painful stuff in order to be respected for what I do? They're not my family or friends or my therapy.

I suppose the point is that they judge me for who they think I am based on what they tangibly can 'see'. Not on my depth or empathy or effectiveness of ability to connect and empathise. If they 'saw' something different they'd still judge. Just would be a different conclusion I suppose.

I'm in a fairly similar situation, no history of sex work or sexual abuse but very problematic poor upbringing and comfortable life now.
I know that I was a decent social worker and am a good therapist now in part because of those early experiences and in part because I haven't always had to rush to the next promotion to increase my income.
I've had income for training, taken long maternity breaks and now I'm in the USA can refresh myself with sufficient unpaid leave. I'm able to bring a good version of myself to work because of DH's income.
I've definitely been teased but luckily haven't been judged by my colleagues. Although I would think that they were just being dickheads if they did that.
Know your own worth OP don't worry about those who don't.

I think you should start being more honest or open about why the job is important - just say you want to help people like teenage you, you don’t need to go into depths about specific trauma. Rather just focus on the things that will bond you with your colleagues eg desire to help

Do not justify yourself to them.

Your past is your business and none of theirs. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with them.

Like you say, you don’t know about them either, so why on earth would you open up.

They sound like judgemental hypocrites to me.

Just keep doing what you’re doing if that’s what you want to do and don’t let them put you off your stride.

Jealousy and pecking order is most likely the root of the problem with them.

How do they demonstrate snide behaviours. What do they do? Is it people you manage or who manage you?

you could tackle this in training sessions more generally or head on in a supervision (directly ask what’s behind sneery behaviour and explain how nasty the behaviour comes across and that it’s not conducive to team work or a supportive ethos)

I've had this . I've worked hard for everything from scratch. But people think I've just been " Lucky " I have two healthy children and healthy Grandchildren and a happy marriage. Now that is where i have been lucky . And everyday I thank God and the Universe for that .

But why do the colleagues know you have a more privileged lifestyle out of work than them? What do you share about it? It would be nice if you could be honest about the holidays etc but maybe you need to keep that to yourself a bit. I work in what sounds like a similar role to you and I'm also in a relatively privileged position at home- but I don't share that at work as I fear it would result in the same issues you are experiencing. I don't outright lie-I just lie by omission-so if someone asks what I did at the weekend I might just say 'I went for a mooch about London ' I don't give the detail that I've had a posh dinner or whatever. I mostly still dress from h and m or m and s for work, and I drive a decent but normal car. No one at work would know what dh does or where we live etc. I just find it easier that way.

To be honest I'm a bit confused because if you are in that role with the commitment and motivation your experiences have given you , I am unsure why your colleagues don't have a basic level of understanding about that. Not that you should always talk about it or go into detail but surely your experience informs what you do and how you think. I think if you are a closed book people make stuff up, it's human nature. People often think I'm posh , don't know why as I am just average. When it suits me I let slip my husband is a builder. It always changes how people relate to me. It shouldn't, but it does. So it us a two way street.

Sympathies, I work in the charity sector and I have a history of childhood trauma, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, domestic violence, homelessness and self-harm. I am absolutely sick of being lectured by youngsters from private schools and posh universities about using whatever current DEI term is fashionable or whatever the latest thing is. I can no longer bear to work in the national voluntary sector for this reason, though I find local charities much better, yet I have exactly the sort of lived experience that many charities work around and constantly talk about as tokenism. I do mention experiencing trauma in a general sense, I don't usually give details, and when I make points I try to depersonalise it around not knowing the background of anybody and how information about disadvantage at a population level doesn't necessarily say anything about the individual. I have certain people in the sector who are friends and feel the same so I do offload to them, but it's soul destroying.

In the gentlest possible way, I agree with @piscofrisco

Why do the people you work with know your husband is a high earner? (for example) Your first few points on your OP genuinely made me think that the colleagues had a point- if you reread it you say a lot about money and a comfortable lifestyle and how, in your opinion, you're disliked at work because of that.

Your past is largely irrelevant to any of that, beyond you saying they don't know you at all because they don't know about your past. They don't need to know about your past and they probably don't need to know as much about your present as they clearly do.

I find that managers are well liked if they're professional, good at what they do, supportive of their team and don't go into the job wanting to be everyone's friend.

If that's you, then you're a good manager. I would just perhaps watch myself if I found I (even unwittingly) tended to find myself in conversations about how much money I had.

@MurielThrockmorton

I am absolutely sick of being lectured by youngsters from private schools and posh universities about using whatever current DEI term is fashionable or whatever the latest thing is

Aren't you actually perpetrating what you think the OP is complaining about with comments like that?

Aren't you actually perpetrating what you think the OP is complaining about with comments like that?

Yeah I can see why you say that, but I'm pretty sure that most of the people I'm talking about don't have any significant background of disadvantage from my experience of working with them and hearing about their lives.

I see this is deep seated misogyny about women's right to work rather than anything more about your background. I've had very senior people tell me I don't need to be promoted because I have a dh who works. As if me working was anything to do with dh!

I say call it out even if it's a "my granny used to have this attitude that if your husband was earning you didn't need to, as if life was all about living off a man!" and pointedly stare.

personally I’d avoid sharing details of my husbands job or holidays. It sounds like these people are jealous types.

I worked in education for a long time.

My DH was a high earner.

I never shared info about where my kids went to school. I talked about the U.K. holidays to see their grandma in Lancashire not the abroad expensive holidays.

(DH did the opposite in order to fit in)

Yes, people absolutely judge you for being in that situation and not being like them.

I solved it by having things I was happy to talk about (how annoying my teens are, universal topic) and stuff I never never mentioned.

It is the way of the world I'm afraid.

The just don't talk about it solution though reminds me of being a lesbian in the 1990s, when this was a common sentiment, it's okay, being gay just as long as you don't mention it. But if people ask you a direct question as they often do, where are your kids at school, where are you going on holiday etc. what do you do, lie? There's a psychological and emotional cost to having to keep yourself guarded about things that can impact on your work and on your health.

Bring your whole self to your job. You have depth. If people see the real you, the person beneath the cars and holidays, they will respect you all the more.

I disagree with this. They won't respect you more. They will just use it as something else to gossip about and judge you on. They are making you feel uncomfortable, these people are not your friends and not worthy of your 'whole self', you need to be able to trust people for that. Next time you hear a judgemental comment, ask them directly why they are judging you.

I think it depends how much time is spent talking about private schools, cars and exotic holidays. People will form an opinion of you depending on what you talk about and your contributions to conversation. That’s all they see and all they know about you.

You do the job,not because you need to , but because you want to and you care. That should be enough.

Since the expression "bring your whole self to work" has been bandied about, I've resolved to do what I've always done, which is to bring my whole professional self to work and stay unapologetically opaque about the rest of my life.

Maybe it's a symptom of social media but people increasingly over-share, and expect others to disclose, they ask nosey questions and probe about things that are inappropriate to discuss in the workplace that are none of their business.

@WellINeverNora don't feel you have to apologise for your own existence. If you've been in your job for enough time to have employment protection, don't sacrifice your hard work by walking away. Stay and keep doing good work.

Blank people's intrusive comments, give zero f*#&s about what they think or gossip about. Stay focused and they'll soon get bored and move on to someone else to bully.

I can identify with your post and it's possible that my colleagues feel I don't need to work. It's not up to them though, it's up to me. I don't care about what they say about me behind my back. If they say it to my face, or ask me, "Do you need to work?" I answer honestly, "Yes". It's true, even though it's not because I need the money. I need it for the sense of purpose it gives me and the fact it enables me to use the skills my life experiences have honed. Obviously they know what car I drive, because I drive it to work & park it in the staff car park. I choose economical cars and prefer newer ones as they come with a warranty - neither DH or I have skills in car-fixing & if my car kept breaking down it would make me a less reliable employee. If people ask me where I'm going on holiday, I'm not going to lie. How would I explain returning to work in November with a tanned face?
Mostly though, I feel it's up to individuals how they choose to spend their income. The state education system failed DS1, so he was privately educated. DSs 2-4 did well in the state system. DB & SiL chose to privately educate their 3 DDs. They had less expensive holidays and drive a much older car. I know they have good pensions & savings. Each to their own. I always put my best effort into work, because I see it as a vocation and I feel I have the respect of my colleagues because of this.