Uncomfortable at work

[WellINeverNora]

n/c for this. Long-term MNer, don’t post much.

I feel like I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my career and it’s not anything to do with how much I like my job.

I work at a senior level in an area you might describe as ‘socially useful’. think charity, social work, something like that. I am senior, and have trained and worked hard for many years in this area, so I am reasonably well paid as are the colleagues I work with who are at the same level. It is a sector full of diversity, interesting people, most of whom are genuinely in it because of a desire to help and a belief in fundamental principles of social justice.

However I am really uncomfortable with some colleagues who I feel make certain judgements about me based on what they know (or think they know) of my life. Implying that I am not committed or somehow fake or just indulging a hobby or something. Reason for this being that I happen to be married to someone who is a high earner. And, there are certain things that go with that which are a bit frowned on in my professional circle - children at independent school, ‘exotic’ holidays, unnecessary cars, that kind of thing. I don’t bang on about these things, I find it quite awkward if I’m asked direct questions, but equally I’m not going to lie and inevitably if you work with people, you share a bit about your lives.

But - they know fuck all about me. They don’t know that I was an addict and doing sex work in my 20s. They don’t know about my mental health struggles and my history of sexual abuse. They don’t know I was in care and fucked up and I was exactly the kind of person I’ve devoted my working life to trying to help. They don’t know how hard I worked - as did my husband actually, he wasn’t born wealthy. And I’m absolutely fucked off with the sneery attitude and feeling like I have to lie about who I am and what I have so that I fit in with their idea of what I should be/think/model.

I could quit tomorrow. I don’t have to work, we don’t need the money. But I feel that what I do is useful and kind of a duty. Plus, a good example for my children, not to mention security should anything happen that affects my husband’s earnings/ our marriage.

I don’t want to, and will not, say anything about my past in order to gain some sort of credibility. It’s absolutely nobody’s business. But I don’t fit in, and I feel fake, and it’s really affecting my confidence and happiness at work.

or is it me who is a hypocrite?

Lots of interesting comments, thank you. Just a few responses (sorry not sure to who exactly, sorry).

I didn't say I was disliked at work, I don't think I am. Appraisals always positive, feedback indicates I'm a good manager who is supportive and encouraging. The comments I perceive are from mostly people who are on the same level as me, more or less, and interestingly in response to someone who mentioned misogyny, mostly women.

Why do they know about my kids/cars/husband? Well, they don't know much and I don't raise such issues. But it's a bit hard to avoid direct questions. 'Oh you live in X town don't you? My sister lives there, her kids are about the same age as yours. They go to Y school. What about yours?' Or 'Welcome back from leave, did you have a nice time? Where did you go?'. Believe me there's a lot they don't know.

I'm not sure it's entirely about money, either. These are people who are not badly off (depends what you're comparing it to, obviously, but I would bet none of them have ever been as broke as I have!). I perceive it to be more about how we choose to spend it. I think, in the main, as a sector we tend to be populated by socialist, environmentally conscious people who (dare I say) sometimes veer into the judgemental. And I suppose this annoys me because they know so little about me really. But it wouldn't help if they know more. It's not going to be like 'Oh, Nora perpetuates the class divide and social inequalities by sending her kids to independent schools, and is flying to Tuscany for a fortnight rather than cycling to Wales and camping for a week in the rain eating lentils. But that's okay because she had a really shit childhood'.

I suppose that's why I'm asking, is it me who is the hypocrite? I kind of feel like I'm giving my working life to 'help'. But maybe the problem is I am not applying the expected standards to myself?

Genuine question: why don't you tell them?

Tell them about my past you mean? Uninvited disclosure of trauma can be upsetting for people, for one thing. Also it's private and in the past and I can't see how it would be helpful for anyone.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you're overthinking this massively.

You really need to care less about what other people think or believe.

remind yourself that they only know you because you have to work together no other reason. They don't have any bearing or influence on any decisions you make other than those in your professional life. your personal life should be out of bounds. Let the conversation dry up if they probe and prod at you.

Why should op? She's being paid to work, not to spill the beans about her life, which should be irrelevant.

I hate this 'bring your whole self to workI' guff.

Thanks! I think you're probably right and this has to be the way forward. Just doesn't make for a very comfortable work environment sometimes.

Not sure you have a respectful opinion about your work colleagues either. I think best just rub along and do your jobs as best you can.

OP, I am in a similar situation to you (but not social worker). I keep things very professional and connect with colleagues over things such as cooking, children, daily minor annoyances and work related issues.

I never volunteer any own trauma but I do share small things about struggling to balance work and family - with people who are having similar issues.

I do, however, often come from the left in discussions. My colleagues are mostly firmly middle / high income, liberal and suspicious of high(er) earners / right wing people.

I do find that many often have no concept about the struggles of people on a minimum wage, about growing up in poverty, about abuse and about struggling to get ends meet. Something I see a lot among friends and acquaintances. I tend to gently remind them of alternative views (not affording any holiday, struggling with helping children as English is a second language etc.).

The fact is they are being assholes. Unless you are constantly harping on about it (and you say you are not), then they are being very unfair making assumptions about you. People do this all the time, only a few days ago there was a thread here talking about middle class people living perfect lives. Its inverted snobbery and it should be not be tolerated at all. It sounds like you have lived a difficult life but even if you have not, its still wrong to be treated like this. I honestly don't know what you should do about it.

I am similar but my colleagues are very nice, I work in a very low paying care role which I love but ironically I can only afford to do this now because DH is a high earner. I am careful what I say amongst colleagues, I certainly wouldn't go on about decorating my house or an expensive holiday. At the same time I never go on about money in a fake way, like pretending to be waiting for pay day cos I'm broke etc. If people talk about money I say nothing or if I'm on the spot I'm just honest but keep it brief. Its awkward though, once I asked someone what day we were getting paid and she said it had gone through the previous day and made some joke about how could i not even notice, did I have so much money in my account, and everyone laughed a bit too much, like it was something they talked about behind my back. We are not particularly wealthy, but its all relative.

Within DH's work circle we are the opposite, we cannot compare to them at all as we come from much humbler roots. They come from old money and literally everyone of his colleagues at his level has a Summer home and went to private school. Yet they never ever made us feel like outsiders but again I'm careful to not go on about money, likewise I never talk myself up to fit in. As I say, despite these two extremes no one has ever been bitchy about it, so your colleagues are just being assholes.

I agree about your colleagues being assholes.
People like this will always be nasty.
Probably it's jealousy.
I'm on a low income.my colleagues were snidey I paid off our mortgage in my 40s.
What they didn't realise is we made many sacrifices to do so.
No meals out,cheap shops,working 60 HR weeks for years.missing many Christmas s.Im glad they don't know much about my life.
Do the job you love and don't give them a thought.