I'm married, but I'm falling for somebody else

[berryconfused]

As the title says, I am happily married, having been with my DH for over 13 years, but I really think I have fallen for somebody else.

I have never had any reason to look at anyone other than my lovely partner for the last 13 years that we've been together. He is by no means perfect. We do argue and bicker and we don't always see eye to eye, but for the most part, we are strong and good together.

We have had a few things in our own lives recently that have been very very stressful and as a result, we decided to take a holiday a couple of weeks back to try to de-stress. Long story short whilst I was there a member of the team that work in the hotel really caught my eye... this feeling was completely new to me since I've never even looked at any other man before now, and I don't know if it's because he caught me at a time that I was really stressed and already low. It was like an instant attraction.

We got talking over the two weeks that we were there. It only ever remained friendly. Nothing happened between us, but we did exchange social media contact, and I really did feel that instant spark and attraction to him. I am almost certain he felt the same.

I am in touch with him still on social media, although I feel bad as it almost feels like cheating on my husband... even though it is all completely PG and often we end up just talking about the weather 🤣

I can feel myself really falling for him and I don't know what to do. I am often fantasising the thought of leaving and running away back to that country to start a new life together. He is absolutely everything that I would ever want in a person. He treats me well, he's kind and considerate he pays me compliments... I'm not saying that my husband doesn't do this, but it is very few and far between. I know this is so unrealistic, and I'm clearly wrapped up in fantasy land.

DH and I are otherwise very happy in our relationship, but there has been a visible strain in the recent months with one thing or another.

I feel completely lost, and as though I've got nobody I can talk to about this situation for fear of being told that I'm crazy for being sucked into a holiday romance. I really honestly don't feel as though this is a whirlwind romance. They really is some substance to it. He feels very strongly for me and I believe that I am beginning to feel the same...

Every time I look at my DH, I feel nothing but guilt for the fact that I feel the way I do about somebody else.

I suppose I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, but I really needed somewhere to jot it down. I suppose I'm wondering if anybody wants to come and tell me how crazy or stupid I am!

I did try to confide in my mother and my sister, but neither of them can really understand where I'm coming from and think I am absolutely crazy to consider throwing what I have away.

I guess I'm almost certain that nothing will come of this, but why am I still feeling this way after so long without seeing him?!

I suppose I want to ask if this makes me a terrible person

Time to block that man and reflect a) on your relationship b) on your life generally and c) on you.

There's something you want - or don't want as the case may be - so find out what it is and remove the distraction of a near-enough stranger who knows you're married. You're not a bad person but you are making a bad mistake.

Oh dear.

It’s only natural to feel attracted to others when you’re in a relationship and it’s quite common when you’re not in the best place in your relationship. It just depends on how you react to it.

I think you and your dh are both going through a hard time and instead of working through this hard time, your head/ heart is leading you to look elsewhere as an escape. With this other person it feels easy and relaxed because it is. He doesn’t know you that well and you barely know him. You like talking to him because it’s carefree and fun. You might feel there’s more substance to it because of the instant attraction but is there really more substance to it than your marriage? Or could it be your marriage is going through a rocky patch, you and your dh aren’t as close anymore and he’s become too boring- for lack of a better word . Then this other man appears and it feels lighthearted, exciting and fun.

I think you need to decide what you want from your marriage. Take the idea of the other man out of the equation for now as it’s not helping. If you’re unhappy in your relationship then you either need to talk to your dh and try work on things or you take a break to see what you want in life. I know it’s easy for me to say that but I’ve been in a similar situation myself and I can honestly say that once you stop talking to the other man then your head will feel clearer.

If you feel like you want to pursue things with the other man then end your marriage. It’s a big risk for someone you’ve known for only a short time so it is crazy but only you can make that decision.

You're not a terrible person because you develop feelings for someone else, the test of your character comes with what you do with them.

So far, this just sounds like an intense crush at a time when your marriage feels like hard work.

You don't have any shared experiences or history with this man, you don't know how he acts or behaves in various situations or how his mind works, whether you could genuinely count on him.

Whether he farts for an entire football team all night...

'although I feel bad as it almost feels like cheating on my husband'
You are already cheating on your husband, but this romance isn't real. Get a grip.

Sorry to say this but your holiday 'friend' is almost certainly after a passport into the UK - the love-bombing is a classic tactic here.

@berryconfused surely an oxymoron

"I am happily married, but I really think I have fallen for somebody else."

Would you even entertain, IF you are happily married?

Stop it. Now.

Your holiday friend probably has a new friend every week or fortnight.
Watch Shirley Valentine.

Imagine your DH doing what you are doing now.
Connecting with another woman on holiday, keeping in touch, writing messages...
Your DH thinking "This other woman is everything I have ever wanted in a person."
Would you like that?

When you say ‘yes’ to your husband you are also saying ‘no’ to everyone else.

To feel attracted to someone is involuntary and says nothing about your ‘goodness or badness’.

This is a time when love becomes an action not a feeling and you say ‘no’ to this man with your actions.

The way I see this is that we would be stupid to imagine there's only 1 "perfect" person out there for each of us. Laws of averages would mean nobody ever met a partner if that was true. So essentially there are multiple people we could each fall in love with that would be amazing partners. I think you've just met another such person. But because he's shiny and new and has sparked those heady feelings of early excitement it's clouding your judgement about your DH.

I've known 2 other "perfect" match people over the past 10 years and recently met a 3rd. I won't let anything happen because I dearly love my husband. I haven't even let the men in question know how I felt but there was obviously chemistry on both sides. My feelings for these men has subsided but I don't doubt I could have been happy with any of them. No happier than with my DH though ultimately.

Only you can decide what you want to do but I don't think having these feelings makes you a bad person.

He treats me well, he's kind and considerate he pays me compliments...

Hes a stranger (and a creep as he knows you are married) that you are talking to on social media, he 100% doesn’t ‘treat you well’. Grow up and block this guy and work on your marriage. If it was a colleague you’d worked with for years or something or an awful marriage then I’d be more sympathetic. But you sound like you are having a mid life crisis, block the guy and stop being silly.

You’re either happy with your husband or you’re not.

Infidelity stinks. Make up your mind.

If it's all PG and just casual messages this guy isn't really "treating you well"?

Tread carefully, honestly I think it's normal to have fantasies about other people and create a whole scenario in your head but it's not true, it's your imagination running away with itself.

As fun as it is it's dangerous and if your husband found out you were messaging a hotel guy from a holiday... I mean just think about the advice you would get on here in reverse..

You are absolutely right when you say you are “wrapped up in fantasy land”. You’ve only known this person for two weeks, and holidays are not real life. You have been flattered, it’s been all a bit new and exciting, and you’ve made this person into what you want an “ideal man” to be in your head, which is neither realistic nor real. So delete him from social media, try to forget about him, cuddle up to your husband, and count your blessings that you have “a lovely partner”. Oh, and nobody’s perfect - not you, and certainly and for guaranteed not hotel guy.

Thank you everyone. These are clearly the responses I needed to read. They're hitting home.

I have never in our entire relationship even looked twice at another man, I think that's why for me, this situation feels scary and intense all at once. The more i think about the situation, the more
I know it's totally wrong and stupid of me. The holiday 'friend' claims he is totally head over heels in love with me, will never meet anybody like me ever again, etc etc etc. I think because I have such low confidence, it's enticed me. I thought I was stronger and more switched on than this.

DH and I have had a really tough few years with infertility and issues surrounding that. Moving homes, job losses etc. we are strong and have been through much, much worse situations, but I just feel ridiculously guilty. Yet for some reason I can't bring myself to block this guy.

You can, you just don’t want to. Imagine it’s your husband investing so much in another woman. The energy you’re giving him is being taken away from your marriage, your husband, your future with him.

^ This and op, in the nicest possible way, you have answered your own question;

I know this is so unrealistic, and I'm clearly wrapped up in fantasy land

The bloke abroad is not remotely decent if he exchanged contact details with you knowing you were married.

Use this feeling op to hone in on what you are missing in your marriage to make you susceptible to this fantasy eg connection, good communication, fun, desiring someone and feeling desired. Often the things we are lacking most in marriage are the very things we are not offering to our spouse!

PS What was your dh doing while you spoke to this bloke? Surely he noticed? I can’t help feeling that this was really unfair on your dh given that the point of your holiday was to get closer and solve your issues. Listen to the people who love you and know you best op and take their advice!

You need to try see this situation from an outsider point of view- if your sister told you about a holiday friend who claims to love her yet only known her for a matter of weeks, would you tell her to end her marriage or to block the guy?

Youre liking the attention, which isn’t a bad thing, we all like to be complimented and wanted. Hes providing that but its only surface level, there isn’t really any substance to it.

Now think about your dh speaking with another woman he met on holiday, how would you feel?

You know you need to block this guy, you know you need to move on it’s just you’re worried about life carrying on the way it has. Marriages go through rocky patches and it seems like you and dh have had a rough time of it lately. You both went on holiday to invest some quality time together, not to meet other people.

Absolutely spot on he is showing g massive disrespe t already particularly if the lady has kids.

Argh, stop! He's making you feel special. It's not worth throwing your marriage away. Like PP said, imagine your DH was writing this about some random woman.

Crushes can be intense and they can be fun but they're not real. You don't know this man. And is he really treating you well, if he (presumably) knows you are married but is pursuing a relationship with you? It's disrespectful of him, and if he doesn't respect those kind of boundaries now, would he be likely to be a good partner to you in the long term?

I agree with @VraimentMatthieu5432, you should use this opportunity to figure out what is missing in your marriage, and try and turn the experience into something postive.

Sorry if it sounds harsh - I've been in a similar positions in the past, and there's no judgement at all for being attracted to someone or having a crush, but as others have said it's what you do now that determines what kind of person you are. The crush will pass.

Sorry Op just read you have infertility issues no offense meant but it would of been even worse levels of disrespect if you had kids already.

What you are describing is 100 % love bombing