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Original poster

DD (15) has no friends. At wits end.

40 replies

Nametakenagain11 · 08/02/2024 20:36

Just that really. She has no friends to do anything with. She has one friend who she puts a lot of effort into at school with but isn’t reciprocated to same degree. She mopes about on her phone every evening/weekend/holidays. Won’t join clubs/ doesn’t like sports. Feel so sad for her that at an age where she should be out shopping/cinema/parties she’s just stuck at home. What if anything can I do to help?

OP posts:
FoonSpeeder · 08/02/2024 20:41

This is going to sound horrible but, take the phone off her and set an example by being off your phone too. Start doing things as a family, family days out, meals out, cinema trips, buy her some art supplies or try and engage her with the garden. 15 is a hard age, it might be worth asking school if they're linked in with some mental health/therapy support she can access to help her.

BlackBoxes · 08/02/2024 20:45

For gods sake don’t take her phone off her. Do make plans with her yourself as much as possible and as a family. My dd is autistic and hasn’t had plans with friends since she was 6 and went to a whole class party. She is happy in herself though. Is your dd moping as in unhappy or is she an introvert?

PaperDoIIs · 08/02/2024 20:53

Has it always been like this or has she had friends and lost them?

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15 year olds
Original poster
Nametakenagain11 · 08/02/2024 21:27

Thank you for all the replies. She has had friends in the past but can’t seem to form strong bonds.

OP posts:
mollyfolk · 08/02/2024 21:34

What do you think the problem is? What is the barrier to her forming strong bonds. I only ask because I have been trying to figure it out with one of mine. I think it’s a problem that she tries to control everything. We have done some workbooks together on being a more flexible thinker. She is seeing a therapist now to work on this issue. Apparently the best way to help them with relationships is having a really strong relationship with them - organise some days out, just you and her. We are also working on being active as a family .

HowDoTheyGetThroughLife · 08/02/2024 21:34

FoonSpeeder · 08/02/2024 20:41

This is going to sound horrible but, take the phone off her and set an example by being off your phone too. Start doing things as a family, family days out, meals out, cinema trips, buy her some art supplies or try and engage her with the garden. 15 is a hard age, it might be worth asking school if they're linked in with some mental health/therapy support she can access to help her.

This - although don't take the 'phone off her altogether, just limit the time she spends on it.

Take her to places, encourage her to join something - a drama group, choir, football, cooking lessons, library, swimming, netball, loads of things - but something.

StarTwirl · 08/02/2024 21:36

FoonSpeeder · 08/02/2024 20:41

This is going to sound horrible but, take the phone off her and set an example by being off your phone too. Start doing things as a family, family days out, meals out, cinema trips, buy her some art supplies or try and engage her with the garden. 15 is a hard age, it might be worth asking school if they're linked in with some mental health/therapy support she can access to help her.

What a truly hideous suggestion

And of no use whatsoever

Imitation just cruel and unkind for the sake of it

Bloody hell I hope you don't have any DC

buidhe · 08/02/2024 21:39

OP, I don't know if this helps but my 14 yr old is the same. No close friends. At school there is talk of being alone at lunchtime, feeling left out. I don't think removing the phone is the thing to do as that would alienate them more. Mine has taken to going to the gym, generally alone, sometimes with someone who is friendly but who doesn't act like a friend.

I raised it with the teacher, we had thought about moving school. Apparently at this age, it's common.

StarTwirl · 08/02/2024 21:40

Is she sad though

Or just you

Lots of DC are just that way inclined

Wanting to be on their own

Porageeater · 08/02/2024 21:41

I didn’t really have friends at that age. I didn’t really like children. It was only when I left school, worked and then went to uni that I made proper friends, many of which I still have now. So there is hope for her. As others have said just make sure you’re around for her and that she can spend time with you.

StarTwirl · 08/02/2024 21:44

My DS is friendly with others at school but has no interest in seeing them outside of school and is very content.
It doesn't bother him
Doesn't bother me because I know he's slightly on the spectrum
He's very academic
He is happy to go out on occasion with wider family members
He never instigates anything

Kendodd · 08/02/2024 21:45

Some people are happy without friends. Does she want friends?

JubileeJumps · 08/02/2024 21:49

Sometimes you just don’t make connections with people. Do some things with her. Are there cousins or family friends with kids her age?
Just keep her busy with things you can do together. My 15yo has friends but mostly still wants to hang out with me.

35965a · 08/02/2024 21:49

I was like this at school. At university I found a group of friends, several of whom I am still close to now in our 30s. Finding your people happens at different times.

Flanjango · 08/02/2024 21:50

My girl had this issue. She is autistic but unless you know a lot about it you'd never know. She was constantly ignored by her "friends", left out of group chats and parties. Honestly school is the only time of life where friendships are based on chronological age. Once she's left she will more than likely find her tribe. Girls this age are hard work and sometimes very unpleasant, mine had a toxic friend she only put up with so as not to be alone. Since leaving school she's found other friends who actually like spending time with her. Do not take her phone it's a tool for communication and relaxation, why would anyone punish that way when she's done nothing wrong?!? I know it wasn't your suggestion but I'm stunned anyone would say that, it's 2024 they will be using this technology all their lives

Scautish · 08/02/2024 21:50

FoonSpeeder · 08/02/2024 20:41

This is going to sound horrible but, take the phone off her and set an example by being off your phone too. Start doing things as a family, family days out, meals out, cinema trips, buy her some art supplies or try and engage her with the garden. 15 is a hard age, it might be worth asking school if they're linked in with some mental health/therapy support she can access to help her.

One of the worst bits of advice I’ve seen on MN

whatever you do please please do not do this. Society puts enough pressure on teens to conform - parents should not add to this pressure.

Slum · 08/02/2024 21:56

How about a part time job - local cafe or similar, would widen her network of acquaintances and could lead to friendships?

user1494050295 · 08/02/2024 22:06

I could write this post. Sorry to hear about your dd. Mine is 14. Doesn’t seem to form strong bonds. It’s shit

socks1107 · 08/02/2024 22:12

My sd had this issue, no friends, glued to her phone in her room.
Turns out she was being groomed online and had a whole world we knew nothing about. It's destroyed her teenage years, relationships and immediate future.

Remove the phone with no warning, invite friends round and help her form friendships. We should've done more

Adelaide66 · 08/02/2024 22:16

Hard to live through. No phase lasts forever.
Unconditional love from Mum needed

ilovebagpuss · 08/02/2024 22:17

Just help her ride through it. Hopefully at college please college not 6th form. She will find a few new friends who she clicks with.
Go to the cinema or into town for a bit of shopping and lunch. Bake together or think of a craft thing you could go to. You can't force her to join a group or do a sport outside of school.
I'm sure you don't but don't go on about what she should be doing at her age like my DM making me feel a bit of a loser for liking being at home.

ToothFairy2023 · 08/02/2024 22:24

My DD was like this off and on around this age. Try not to worry.

Some girls can be so nasty and fickle and do almost anything to be popular that your DD is possibly better off safe at home on her own in some ways.

I guess my DD just largely opted out of the mainstream popularity contest. She has one close friend now at 18 and at Uni and she says she has a small group of other friends but I think they are really more like acquaintances. But she seems happier like that rather than having hoards of friends like some and much less aggressive with me and less moody than she was aged 14 to going off to Uni in September so I think she has enjoyed finding her feet and grown up a bit (as she could be quite immature in some ways).

I think try not to make an issue of it as it could make your daughter feel even worse. Do things with her (whatever she will agree to if she will agree to say go for a hot choc, shopping, a walk, a drive, visit somewhere, an exercise class or going to the gym etc etc and enjoy time with her). As they grow up so very fast when you look back.

Nandocushion · 08/02/2024 22:27

Is there another school in your area she could try? Sometimes the mix isn't good at one school. My DD did much better at a larger school with a more diverse group of kids.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/02/2024 23:48

My sd had this issue, no friends, glued to her phone in her room.
Turns out she was being groomed online and had a whole world we knew nothing about. It's destroyed her teenage years, relationships and immediate future.

Remove the phone with no warning, invite friends round and help her form friendships. We should've done more

I'm really sorry this happened to your SD but taking a phone from an isolated teenager is a cruel punishment. The OP says her DD doesn't have friends to invite round.

MCOut · 08/02/2024 23:54

I know it sounds silly OP, but sometimes people find it hard to make friends within their age group. I would insist on something, art class, drama class, volunteering, something that is community oriented. She might not want to go, but she might enjoy it when she’s there and personally I have always enjoyed my time with the retired ladies who tend to join things like this. At the very least, it would get her more comfortable with socialising.