DD (15) has no friends. At wits end.

[Nametakenagain11]

Just that really. She has no friends to do anything with. She has one friend who she puts a lot of effort into at school with but isn’t reciprocated to same degree. She mopes about on her phone every evening/weekend/holidays. Won’t join clubs/ doesn’t like sports. Feel so sad for her that at an age where she should be out shopping/cinema/parties she’s just stuck at home. What if anything can I do to help?

My daughter was like it at that age. Covid and then sixth form movement left her without a close friendship group.

Shes in her first year at uni now. She’s reconnected with some old friends, has an amazing group of flatmates including one who’s she’s particularly close to and sharing with next year.

She’s an introvert who’s happier at home or doing quieter activities. But at the same time she’s had a lot less of the dramatic female relationships and is comfortable in her own skin.

Not everyone is a party animal who’s out being social every week and as long as you feel her behaviour is showing any red flags, I really wouldn’t worry. My youngest is very social and we never see him, it’s more of a worry.

Aww thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Sorry to hear your struggles too.
DD did have friends all through primary. Her secondary is not the local school (another long story) and is small. Now she’s pretty much lost touch with all primary friends as they don’t share the same school so don’t have common things to talk about. She doesn’t really like doing anything with me. I’ve tried everything. She will come on occasional outings to “please me”. Won’t do any baking/crafts/walks.
I know phones are necessary part of life now but I’d like to limit her time on it and make it part of a balanced life of doing other things. At the moment I can’t even get her to not be on it when she’s in bathroom, drying hair, trying shoe laces.
I don’t want my life to become a constant nag. DH is more relaxed and let’s her get away with a lot. I’m now doubting if I’m in the wrong now.

Gosh, indeed, mental health therapy for just a normal, 15 year old who does not have many friends ?

It does sound horrible and it’s terrible advice.
She is 15, you don’t do anything. Your role is to make sure she knows she can have friends round, build her self esteem as much as possible. Encourage her to have some outlet, whether that be art, knitting, swimming, whatever so she can feel like she good at something. Take her shopping and to the cinema etc to get her out. This is just a stage at 6th Form everything changed and new friendships are formed. Nothing stays the same and this too will pass.

I really sympathise OP. I worry about my daughter who is also 15. My answers have been to spend the time with her myself, and pray that college will be better for her. In her case she’s been hugely impacted by difficult friendship groups and Covid lockdowns.

Don’t punish her for not having friends. It’s hard out there! My dd went a whole year with no friends.

Encourage hobbies and being at peace in her own company. Friends come and go, especially at her age. Take her out for lunch and a look round the shops. Put a Sunday movie on.

MCOut · Yesterday 23:54

I know it sounds silly OP, but sometimes people find it hard to make friends within their age group. I would insist on something, art class, drama class, volunteering, something that is community oriented. She might not want to go, but she might enjoy it when she’s there and personally I have always enjoyed my time with the retired ladies who tend to join things like this. At the very least, it would get her more comfortable with socialising.

Not silly, I always had variety of ages of friends growing up. Some of my favourite occupations were to go with my grandma to her bestie in town and we had coffee and long chats about their past , then her grand-daughters would come, I would play with their baby, then we all would have dinner with the whole family, all 3 generations.

Next time my socialising would be with my one of my friends , sometimes would be with a boy just as friends, next time would be cinema, next time would be my school choir, next time would be again sitting in the local part with a classmate who was not friend but we lived on the same street and just sun bathed at the park. LOL.

why English society and your friendships seem so complicated and lifeless

so going out shopping to a mall, to a cinema or a party is considered all that a teen should be doing ????

Would it be possible for her to change schools to the one her old primary friends are at?

You mention that she's not at the local secondary, do you think this is making it more difficult for her to socialise outside of school? I remember getting to an age where I no longer wanted my parents to drive me to see friends, it felt too much like the playdates of primary school. This did make me a bit antisocial though.

Is she actually unhappy though OP?

It's sometimes harder as a parent to see our child not behaving or living as we expected them to be than it is for them.

We're so conditioned in our thinking. We have all these ideas in our heads our everything should go.. Everything..work, relationships, marriage, pregnancy, newborn babies, toddlers... On it goes and it's not our faults, we're all just so conditioned and institutionalised. It supposed to be like this. And very often it isn't and leaves us questioning what we did wrong when in fact it's just life.

The more regimented we expect life to be, the more we struggle and panic when it doesn't work out that way.

I have 3DC, all very different. Eldest is much more social and finds friendships easier to maintain than the middle DC. Nothing wrong with middle DC, she is more like me and eldest is more like dad but already middle DD has moments she questions she isn't more like her elder sibling. I try to stop her right there and tell her there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, we're all different. She does have moments she wishes she had more girlfriends her age but then the rest of the time she is upbeat and telling us how kids her age just irritate the hell out of her!!

She is the same age as your dd OP and finds the company of adults preferable and we have encouraged that. She is a member of a sports club that is all ages.. She loves it and there's no forcing together of kids the same age. All ages train together. Also a competition hobby that is very much all ages, mainly with and competing against adults. And lastly a club which is focused on 10-24 year olds so a good mix of ages.

We are teens for a very short length of time. Why should friendships/social outlets be restricted to people the same age as us, doing what we expect a person of that age to be doing?! Give her opportunities to simply mix and find activities she enjoys, if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to carry on. Try not to worry about friendships of the same age as long as she isn't or try to reframe her thinking if she is. Let's face it, how many friends do we all have as adults that are exactly the same age as us?! It's a bizarre way thinking if you think about it!

Why doesn’t she go to the local school? You must have known she’d find it harder if school and most of its pupils are in x town and you live in y town.

Oh my, leave the poor girl alone. I had no freinds to go out with in secondary school, thankfully my mother did not make a big deal out of it. Life got better after school.

Keep inviting her out but don't shame her, it must be hard for her and she needs home to be a safe space.

Please don't take her phone away!

Be careful about what you think she "should" be doing- "shopping/cinema/parties". For one thing she may well pick up on this, however well you try to hide it, and feel even worse. Also teen girls aren't all the same- it may be that her interests lie elsewhere.

Has she actually said to you that this is a problem? I think the best thing you can do is just love and support her and try not to let your hopes for her add to the weight of pressure teen girls feel. Encourage the friendship that she has (and in practical ways too by making sure she can get to events) but don't push it. The worst thing would be for her to feel your concerns as another pressure on her.

IME friendship groups all mix up in sixth form and the kids with the quietest social lives can end up being the ones who are out every night. So maybe that will happen and maybe it won't- she might always be someone who has a smaller group of friends and that is absolutely fine.

Agree with not taking the phone away. If she is going to go out with people it's going to be arranged digitally. It's unlikely anyone is going to call round for her or phone a landline, that's not what young people do.