How do I deal with the rage caused by my 3yo?

[Giveupnow]

I know I’ll probably get roasted for being an awful person, but I’m at my wits end. I am so so so enraged by my 3.5 yo I struggle to cope and keep it all bottled up.

very long story but she has always been an extremely difficult child, I have had absolutely zero help/ support or break and think I’m at emotional burn out, basically. But there is no way to recover from that as a parent as there is no break.

I guess I’m asking how to parent situations which are driving me up the wall. I’m aware they are normal 3 yo behaviour but combined with solo parenting my 18 month old and other stressors I find the cause a physical anxiety reaction in me and I end up ‘snapping’ and shouting.

for example - her always faffing before she does ANYTHING. She has to get increasingly elaborate amounts of toys and line them all up repeatedly before she will sit in the chair for her bedtime story, for example. Because she was such a difficult 2 yo I felt it was quicker to allow these things to play out rather than cause a huge tantrum, but now she is so used to doing it. If the baby is screaming and she’s kicking off about me interrupting her toys I just feel immense rage boiling up inside me. I know she’s only 3 and she doesn’t understand how she needs to fit in but I am so so sick of her demands. I guess I never stopped it because it’s quicker just to allow her to do it as she just cries now if I tell her off, which further delays bedtime. I think I feel too guilty to just walk away and shut the door - I’d have to go back in and do song tuck in etc which takes ages.

do people really just walk off and shut the door? I guess that’s better than me shouting at her

if I only had her it wouldn’t be such an issue but juggling both of them is the problem. But I know I’m wrong as I feel so much anger towards her and resentment. I’ve read all the books and I’m aware of all the instagram accounts that’s always recommended on here, so please don’t say read phillipa Perry or follow big little feelings. I know the theory, I know what I’m doing is wrong but I can’t physically contain how angry and resentful I feel, it’s like a volcano and I can’t help shouting because in that moment I actually want to tell her off, as I feel she deserves it, even tho I know she doesn’t, if that makes sense.

Where is your partner? I know you say you’ve had zero help or support but you’ve had another baby so I’m guessing there is some around.

Start bedtime earlier and, before going up, say ‘tonight there is X toys and no more’. set boundaries. If she wants to cry, let her. It’s not to late to undo the pattern you have both got into.

@Snowdropsarecoming long story short - essentially partner was deployed when she was only a few months old, we were supposed to be moving abroad, delayed with Covid (separated internationally), finally reunited and were supposed to be starting new family life, fell pregnant much quicker than expected (previous IVF so a real surprise!) then due to complications with that pregnancy I had to move back to uk because healthcare not adequate where we were posted, husband now back and forth but still works away a lot. Military life 🤷‍♀️

No wonder you’re at the end of your tether. I wonder if your DD’s behaviour could be straw that has broken the camel’s back. You’ve had to deal with a lot.

I had a basically unsolvable problem with my son. We were doing a thing at work with an agency where they set these exercises for thinking bigger and better. Bullshit mostly. But one exercise was to just write a list of all the things you could do if the options were unlimited and you didn't have to consider any limitations like time or money. I got to about point 27 and the things on the list were impossible, already done or wouldn't really help.

Then point 28.

Love him.

Appreciate that might not seem to address the actual problem but I hope that helps you even just a little.

@SummerHouse i do love her, immensely. I also worry about her, immensely. She’s an extremely defiant, challenging but also fragile, and sensitive. I try and micro manage every difficulty and arrange all of my life, our family life, to make things easy for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if in the future she has some sort of SEN. I don’t worry about my DS the same way. I have don’t everything, everything I can for her and until recently was the picture of patience and understanding. I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing more to give.

I think at 3 you can start to have conversations they will understand around limits - so you tell her that she has to be in bed by X time. So there's y amount of time for toys and story. She can spend that time lining up toys but then there will only be time for a very short story or she can line them up more quickly and have storytime.
You have to outthink your kids and give them a way to 'win' yet still in the way you need it.
My DD went through something very similar with toy rabbits and they all had to be in bed in a certain sequence with their own blankets etc and I tried a few ways to reduce it but in the end said this really isn't working - there's no space in the bed for you, so I insisted that the rabbits needed a proper warren to sleep in and we made a space under her bed for them. But so she had a cuddly toy she could pick one of the rabbits or a different toy.
Funnily enough she's 16 now and still remembers this! She's still annoyed with me for evicting the rabbits but couldn't argue with the warren argument. We both knew full well that it was mostly a delaying tactic anyway....But I knew I had to find a reason inside her game to divert the behaviour 😉
I really do remember that feeling of trying to keep a lid on being irritated sometimes as I think they do pick up on it and it then makes them ever more needy for your good attention and time. Deep breaths and smile!

Sorry of course you love her. Not sure I explained myself well. What I mean is, you love her, that's enough - it's more than enough. It's everything. You are doing all you can. You try everything, you read everything. Sometimes there isn't a solution and all you can do is love them. You are dealing with a lot and based on your posts you are doing a heroic job.

I agree with PP about trying to outsmart, letting them feel they've won but ultimately the outcome is the one you desire. A good way to do this is often choices. Which I'm sure you've tried if you've followed Big Little Feelings et al.

What about shaking up the routine a bit to get her out of her cycles?

Ummm maybe you could all pop upstairs 15 minutes early and declare it "lining up time". Tell her you want to see all those toys lined up and you'll be back after bathing the baby/tending to baby/whatever.

Check them, wow fantastic, great job! Great lining up. Lining up time has finished now, it's story time/bath time now. Whose turn is it to choose a book tonight, mine or yours? Which duck's turn is it in the bath, yellow or pink?

If it were me, I'd find a "lining up" song on Alexa that lasted an appropriate time (could be any song really) and then say you'll come back and check once the song has finished, and then it's story time as lining up time has finished. Kids have no concept of time, so I find a song can often really help provide a definitive end. E.g. my daughter will often ask for 3 songs to dance to before we go up for a bath.

all in all, from my experience, I think it helps to decide boundaries ahead of time, be really firm with sticking to them and expect pushback the first two or three times because she's testing to see if you'll back down and let her get her own way. Fair but firm!

You need a break and also ways to let the rage out.

Personally I found exercise a good way to get the rage out. I used to use the rowing machine fairly energetically after they were both in bed.

This sounds like excellent advice.

@SummerHouse thank you, sorry I didn’t mean to sound snappy. I’m just not being a good parent to her.

me snapping and shouting is inconsistent for her. It won’t help her understand. She doesn’t know why some days I laugh and join in the teddy games and sometimes I scream at her. It’s frightening for her. I feel inadequate but also justified, in a self protective way.

I just don’t know how to get better when everyday adds more and more stress. Because the issue is when I’m feel like that, I want to shout, and rage, and scream. That’s the issue. I know in the moment I could walk away, but I don’t want to. I want to shout.

Put Classic FM on (or other soothing radio station of your choice).

Understand that this behaviour is probably due to anxiety.

I sympathise - my daughter was a lot like this (she did improve) but I had more help and only one of them.

My neighbour swears by karate for the rage!

*karate class, not on the kids.

I have a very difficult just-turned 4 yo 🤣

OP, I also feel the rage and it is something I've had to work on a LOT. And I'm not perfect and just this evening lost my cool because she wouldn't eat the perfectly wonderful meal I spent ages cooking while feeling like crap!!!

And I only have the one and a very present and supportive husband. If I were in your shoes.... I would be volcanic I think - so you have my every sympathy. 🌋🤯

I forgot to add that I read a few things that I sort of internalised, which helped. 1) all behaviour is communication 2) kids are not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. E.g. they're not doing it on purpose, it's just the only way they can express whatever is going on deep down. 3) that all toddlers are control freaks and 4) that their brains aren't fully/emotionally developed until they're like 5 or 7 or something...!

I think all this was a game changer for the rage because I wouldn't take any of it personally, i knew i just had to find ways to manage/handle her etc.

And sometimes, I just don't take no for an answer. She still gets in fits of rages if I try to take her to the toilet because she doesn't want to go, she wants to play/watch TB. I know she'll need one, she'll not have been for HOURS, be holding her bits and STILL refuse to go.... my techniques don't work (whose turn is it to sit on the toilet first, mine or yours? Who will win by having the biggest wee, me or you?). So I just say we're going to the toilet, end of. I'm not going to let you get a poorly bladder because you're holding in your wee. And I sort of manhandle her to the toilet. She normally kicks off en route but then has the wee and then laughs and finds it hilarious that there "was a wee in there the whole time" 🙄

It sounds stupid but a lot of deep breaths and more playing with her, but for your fun and enjoyment! And make sure to get some form of relaxation time for yourself Sorry things are hard x

@Ready4ActionRyderSir yes, I already do similar with about the other billion issues throughout the day. We do songs, choices, races, team games, who can do this first? Lots of praise, choices, lots of love bombing and attention. Etc . She gets it all.

But I suppose that’s it - every single thing, every small thing is a negotiation, bribe, allowance. If not, she’s in a mood every time. If I don’t walk up the stairs the exact way she wants, she whinges and messes about on the stairs (an issue as I’m usually carrying the baby) She doesn’t just do anything. I don’t know if I’ve indulged her too much and created a brat or all 3 yo are this bad.

i actually feel sick sometimes at how demanding, defiant and difficult she is. I want to scream “just fucking get on with it” instead of pandering all the time.

I don’t know if I’ve just made giant mistakes parenting her and created a brat.

Yes people do just walk out and close the door and go to the bottom of the garden and scream.

I did it a lot. (I had twins).

You need a break. Homestart? Preschool for the 3 year old?

Op you sound burnt out. You sound emotionally exhausted to me (I recognize this as that is exactly how I feel and how I react to my DC when I’m running in empty).

Parenting is HARD. And I truly believe we are meant to raise our children with a village but in our modern society we have no village 😞 Please don’t think for a minute you’ve done something wrong or that there is something wrong with your child. We were never designed to parent in isolation but here we are. And you have it even harder having your partner away.

Is there anyone close to you that could help you out in any way at all?

Ahhh OK I see. Sorry.

You honestly haven't created a brat. Or if you have, I have too!

Because my 4yo is EXACTLY like this. To the point where every single little thing in the day has to be a negotiation/game/pandering.

It's knackering for me too, and I also want to shout JUST FUCKING DO IT .... BECAUSE I'VE TOLD YOU TO, THAT's WHY 🤣 half the day.

And sometimes I do! On the way home from preschool, she's either hassling me to play a game that we play sometimes, or whinging none stop about being hungry.... and I just want to shout JUST BLOODY WALK. And sometimes I do get short and say "Let's just get home, the food is in the house, let's just get on with it."

Put it this way, if it's knackering/annoying/frustrating for me with one kid and a husband who helps out a LOT -- like I said, no wonder you want to explode!

So please don't feel like it's abnormal. You have my sympathy.

Sorry, I can't help you practically with any ideas for lessening the rage. It sounds like you need more time to yourself maybe. To decompress a bit? I'm going to guess you don't get very much of that?

Pick some lines in the sand - messing on the stairs would be one for me, it’s dangerous and nonsensical.
And yes it’s perfectly fine to walk away and leave her to it. If she wants to faff, she can get on with it. You don’t need to watch.
It’s does sound a little like she’s not yet learned that the whole world isn’t about her. My personal opinion is that she’s has learned some habits that now need unlearning.

Fellow army wife here 👋🏼 DH deployed when kids were 4 and 2. It's the feeling that you are alone, and singularly responsible for raising them. It was overwhelming. I did a lot of shouting! Cut yourself some slack, you might not be a perfect mum (who is?!) but you're the perfect mum for her. Do you have many mum friends with kids of a similar age? It helps to have people who understand what hard work threenagers are!

Also- I do think we currently live in with this weird notion that our kids should never be upset or cross. That they should never cry or be sad or disappointed. ( not particularly saying this is you!)
I find this a dangerous precedent to set.
Life outside your house isn’t all about her and what she wants. It’s about other people too and getting along in a larger group.
Does she go to nursery or preschool?

My daughter was like this.. same age.. lining toys on bed etc.. faffing.. she's now 40 and today got diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.. ( back then it wasn't widely spoken about.. l thought it was just her being her.

My son was similar. The more I had negotiated , re-directed and generally made hours of effort the more resentful I’d feel. I do think sometimes he needed me to take charge and say this has finished because I say so. Calm but authoritative worked better than hours of pandering for both of us.