How do I deal with the rage caused by my 3yo?

[Giveupnow]

I know I’ll probably get roasted for being an awful person, but I’m at my wits end. I am so so so enraged by my 3.5 yo I struggle to cope and keep it all bottled up.

very long story but she has always been an extremely difficult child, I have had absolutely zero help/ support or break and think I’m at emotional burn out, basically. But there is no way to recover from that as a parent as there is no break.

I guess I’m asking how to parent situations which are driving me up the wall. I’m aware they are normal 3 yo behaviour but combined with solo parenting my 18 month old and other stressors I find the cause a physical anxiety reaction in me and I end up ‘snapping’ and shouting.

for example - her always faffing before she does ANYTHING. She has to get increasingly elaborate amounts of toys and line them all up repeatedly before she will sit in the chair for her bedtime story, for example. Because she was such a difficult 2 yo I felt it was quicker to allow these things to play out rather than cause a huge tantrum, but now she is so used to doing it. If the baby is screaming and she’s kicking off about me interrupting her toys I just feel immense rage boiling up inside me. I know she’s only 3 and she doesn’t understand how she needs to fit in but I am so so sick of her demands. I guess I never stopped it because it’s quicker just to allow her to do it as she just cries now if I tell her off, which further delays bedtime. I think I feel too guilty to just walk away and shut the door - I’d have to go back in and do song tuck in etc which takes ages.

do people really just walk off and shut the door? I guess that’s better than me shouting at her

if I only had her it wouldn’t be such an issue but juggling both of them is the problem. But I know I’m wrong as I feel so much anger towards her and resentment. I’ve read all the books and I’m aware of all the instagram accounts that’s always recommended on here, so please don’t say read phillipa Perry or follow big little feelings. I know the theory, I know what I’m doing is wrong but I can’t physically contain how angry and resentful I feel, it’s like a volcano and I can’t help shouting because in that moment I actually want to tell her off, as I feel she deserves it, even tho I know she doesn’t, if that makes sense.

and until recently was the picture of patience and understanding

At what point did things change? Did something happen? And I don’t mean with your DD, I mean with you.

I might be barking up the wrong tree here but you mention micro managing and you say it’s for her sake, but I wonder if it’s actually for yours, and if she doesn’t comply it’s hard for you to deal with? Is managing every eventuality a way of trying to take some control of a life that in many ways has very little control, certainly in terms of when your DH might be around or what he is expected/required to do?

I suppose I’m wondering if it’s more about you than it is her, and who/what you are actually angry at, because I’m not convinced it’s really your DD.

Argh this is bringing it all back for me, it's called the fucking threes for a reason

My son who is neuro divergent drove me to distraction at this age, he was unbelievably stubborn and bedtime was awful. Having a very strict routine helped, doing exactly the same every night.

My daughter who isn't neurodivergent was also a bloody stubborn nightmare and went from a lovely toddler to a awful stubborn 3 year old who used to tantrum at me and be lovely for everyone else !!

It was a difficult time but it passed!

Fellow military wife here, with a 4yo and baby. I can relate to everything you have written, around this time last year we were in the thick of it with my 3yo and everything being a negotiation/battle. Life was so much hard work. It is not the way you've parented her, some kids are just hard work. Mine has always been really stubborn. I upped her days at nursery when she got free hours, just so I could have a few hours to try to restore peace into my life. When I got pregnant, I went through a period of time where I was absolutely terrified of doing it all again, of having the daily battles from the minute I woke up to bedtime. My adrenaline/cortisol/whatever the fight or flight system is, had been activated for so long I was full of rage all the time. My husband was hundreds of miles away, coming home at best once a month for the weekend, and we had no friends or family locally. My dad refused to have her because she was so much hard work his nerves were shot after he'd watched her once for an hour so that I could go to the gym. A few things that helped me were:

• reading about postnatal rage (_drboyd on Instagram was really helpful). It helped me understand why I was so angry, yes my child was Hard Work but also no wonder I was angry with no support, no village, in a patriarchal system. I held lots of resentment toward my husband (not personally but his position in the family as someone that could dip in and out of parenting)/the military. Especially because I still have to work, most households need two incomes now but his job always took precedent. His boss always expected me to pick up the slack when his schedule changed at short notice.
• as we had no family support, extra day at nursery from the term after she turned 3 was a game changer
• TIME. As she approached 4, she became a lot easier to reason with and reward charts/treats started to work. She still has her many moments, but then when she started school at just turned 4, things changed for the better again. She is so much easier to parent now. I feel much less rage than I did before.

It would also be worth getting in touch with the naval children's charities and NFF to explore what support might be available locally. If you can identify what you need (someone to watch your children for a few hours so you can have some time out?), they might be able to help.

Really hoping that things get better for you soon.

Reading with interest, a few more years down the line and with ND diagnosis but tonight it has taken 20 minutes for mine to brush teeth. Then a tantrum they cannot have x at bedtime because a 2 min job took 20.

I have found that more sleep and exercise help. Alone time helps me reset.

You mentioned you have an 18 month old. Sorry if this has been suggested, but I don’t suppose you have postpartum rage but directed towards your 3YO? The bit in bold suggests there’s more to it that just frustration at your daughters behaviour