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Original poster

Was it wrong to ask my mam about her 'wishes' once for when she dies?

45 replies

pontipinemum · 05/02/2024 15:53

We were chatting about a family funeral she had recently been to (I couldn't go)

I asked her does she have any wishes?

She wasn't happy with the question! Said she has no intentions of dying anytime soon. Well no I would hope not she's only 56. I think this sort of conversation is easier to have when no one is knocking on the door, it's not emotional because it is all so distant

But I am her only child and she's not married so it'll be up to me. My DH knows what I want. And obviously I am younger than her!

I think it's a sensible thing for your next of kin to know.

OP posts:
fleurneige · 05/02/2024 15:55

I personally think it is good to talk openly, and to know the wishes of close relatives. About burial or cremation, and type of funeral. And organ donation. No-one knows when ... so why not. Good on you.

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 15:55

yes it would be easier for you

but she doesn’t want to talk about it, and that is 100% reasonable and her prerogative.

Cotswoldbee · 05/02/2024 15:56

Of course it is sensible but unfortunately, some people think that they are going to live forever or making (sensible) arrangements is bad luck.
Does she have a will?

Coyoacan · 05/02/2024 15:57

I always knew my mother's wishes. No religion and cheapest funeral possible. Makes life so much easier when the time comes

Lizzieregina · 05/02/2024 15:58

It’s an essential conversation to have and age doesn’t matter because no one knows when their number is up!

I know loads of people that didn’t even come close to 56.

pickledandpuzzled · 05/02/2024 16:00

I would have phrased it differently, as she’s still so young.

I’d have said ‘make sure you let me know if you have any particular wishes, when the time comes’.

I know where you are coming from and have actually asked my young adult kids what they would want, should they need it. But she’s right at the start of thinking about it, if this is the first funeral she’s arranged, and may change her mind multiple times!

dastidlydaschel · 05/02/2024 16:03

It's a sensible conversation. I've got a notes page on my phone with my wishes, my DH's wishes and my mums wishes. Includes songs/type of service/ type of coffin (mum wants a wicker coffin) / what want to happen to ashes.

Everyone knows they'll have the service they want!

Original poster
pontipinemum · 05/02/2024 16:08

@Cotswoldbee no will, but she doesn't really have 'anything' and I'm an only child so should be straight forward. Although I am giving her a decent chunk towards a house deposit this year and will be insisting she gets a will done up when she's getting the house.

@pickledandpuzzled she just attended, didn't arrange it. Both my GPs have passed away but she has a lot of siblings, they organised everything.

Ah I'm not going to press her on it. If she never tells me I will go with my wishes which I guess as next of kin would be my choice.

OP posts:
Snowdropsarecoming · 05/02/2024 16:09

My Mum died last year. She was on a palliative care path way for a long time - not that I was told that by her (was told by 999 call handler!). She never acknowledged her that was dying. Dad had been a bought them funeral plans several years earlier and she wouldn’t discuss it then. If she had any requests she would have told me. I believe funerals are for the living not the dead anyway.

Goldenbrowntexturelikesun · 05/02/2024 16:09

I think it’s a very sensible question to have.

I’m 51 and have made my wishes very clear. This is due to the fact my 82 year old dad will not discuss his wishes, he just says when he ‘goes’ there is an envelope in his spare room with details of an account with money to cover his funeral. That’s it, nothing else.

My MIL and FIL paid for their funerals, added their written wishes with the funeral company and even purchased their plots years ago. When mil sadly passed away 3 years ago there was zero hassle, just a firm to fill in.

My dad will get the send off my sister and I see fit.

CountryShepherd · 05/02/2024 16:10

In fact, I had this conversation with my parents this weekend - they are in their 80's and I have been to two funerals in the last fortnight so it's a bit on my mind.

I'm actually one of four and the reason I want clarity is because one of siblings will just railroad through their wishes otherwise. The other 3 of us would manage fine.

I must admit if one of my DC's asked my wishes at the moment I'd be a bit 😱, the OP's mum is only a little bit younger than me!

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 16:12

CountryShepherd · 05/02/2024 16:10

In fact, I had this conversation with my parents this weekend - they are in their 80's and I have been to two funerals in the last fortnight so it's a bit on my mind.

I'm actually one of four and the reason I want clarity is because one of siblings will just railroad through their wishes otherwise. The other 3 of us would manage fine.

I must admit if one of my DC's asked my wishes at the moment I'd be a bit 😱, the OP's mum is only a little bit younger than me!

to get p their 80s and for this not to have arisen before is unusual?

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 05/02/2024 16:13

I'm 44 and I sat the other week with my dc and discussed my will and plans, and showed them where my paperwork is for my cremation etc.

I'm not planning on dying soon either, but it's very important to me that they know the plans, the finances, the arrangements so they wouldn't be absolutely blindsided by me suddenly dying and then having no clue what to do.

It's common sense to discuss these things imo.

ThreeRingCircus · 05/02/2024 16:13

I think it's sensible. I know my dad wants to be buried and my mum cremated and the location she wants her ashes scattered because they've mentioned that in the past, just casually when the subject has come up in conversation.

DH knows what music I would like played at my funeral and where I want my ashes to be scattered and I'm 36! I don't think it's an age thing, I just know when FIL died DH had no idea whether his dad would have had any wishes and having to make decisions about music he may have liked/whether he wanted to be cremated/readings etc etc added an additional stress. I know funerals are for the living and the deceased person doesn't care anymore but I think there's something nice knowing that you've fulfilled their wishes/done something that they would have wanted.

It's not something you can push though so if your mum doesn't want to discuss the subject that is up to her.

tootiredtobother · 05/02/2024 16:14

my mother has been the same and shes 83, had to have her LPA's done again - thank you govt for the extra expense, but trying to get any sense out of her is infuriating, she's not even said if she's got a pre paid funeral etc.. if it was up to me and not my siblings i would cremate and out she goes with the cat litter

CountryShepherd · 05/02/2024 16:15

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 16:12

to get p their 80s and for this not to have arisen before is unusual?

Show quote history

They've talked in vague terms but nothing concrete so far. We all keep saying we must sort it out.

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 16:15

CountryShepherd · 05/02/2024 16:15

They've talked in vague terms but nothing concrete so far. We all keep saying we must sort it out.

Show quote history

given their ages and what you describe…. hell yes!

CountryShepherd · 05/02/2024 16:15

All LPA's have been done, thank goodness.

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 16:16

tootiredtobother · 05/02/2024 16:14

my mother has been the same and shes 83, had to have her LPA's done again - thank you govt for the extra expense, but trying to get any sense out of her is infuriating, she's not even said if she's got a pre paid funeral etc.. if it was up to me and not my siblings i would cremate and out she goes with the cat litter

possibly why she’s not inclined to open to to you

slug · 05/02/2024 16:16

We had this discussion with my In Laws a couple of years ago. It wasn't much just buried/cremated, what to do with the ashes.

It meant when FIL died relatively quickly and MIL and DH were paralysed with grief, I was able to arrange the funeral in the background with only minimal input from her, secure in the knowledge that it was what he would have preferred.

BeaRF75 · 05/02/2024 16:17

No, it's very sensible to ask. I'm a similar age to your mother, OP, and I've made my views about my funeral (in fact, absence of same) very clear.
Anyone in their 50s who doesn't realise that their death could well be sooner rather than later is - frankly - being somewhat naive.

ifonly4 · 05/02/2024 16:17

It'd certainly make it easier at the time if you knew what her wishes were. Having said that, maybe she doesn't have any particular wishes. I'm 57 and there's one thing I do feel strongly about, and for that reason my family have known about it for a good few years.

Goldenboysmum · 05/02/2024 16:18

I always knew my mum and dad wanted cremated but it wasn't until dad died that I realised I had no idea what to do with his ashes. Anyway, my daughter has them and when mum dies they'll both be interred in a small plot.

My daughters and son had always known that I wanted creamated then where to scatter my ashes, music etc, but the one conversation I never had was what did my children want.

So when my son died, I had no idea what he would have wanted, buried, cremated music, anything, i only hope that he would've liked everything we did.

I think what I'm trying to say is, its not just our patents/spouse we should have the conversation with, but maybe our adult single children as well.

Ouchmyarse · 05/02/2024 16:21

It’s good to talk about it. I always knew where my dad wanted his ashes to go what songs to be played.

He left a box with all the details in it, a cd of songs, where he wanted ashes interred, a dvd message for us all.

he died a few weeks ago, I’m glad he did all that.

im 44 and I’ve got one. Anything could happen and I’ve learned from my dad what other info I need to include for my children that I wish he had.

boobot1 · 05/02/2024 16:21

My husband asked me this, I said whatever he wanted, I'd be dead.