Was it wrong to ask my mam about her 'wishes' once for when she dies?

[pontipinemum]

We were chatting about a family funeral she had recently been to (I couldn't go)

I asked her does she have any wishes?

She wasn't happy with the question! Said she has no intentions of dying anytime soon. Well no I would hope not she's only 56. I think this sort of conversation is easier to have when no one is knocking on the door, it's not emotional because it is all so distant

But I am her only child and she's not married so it'll be up to me. My DH knows what I want. And obviously I am younger than her!

I think it's a sensible thing for your next of kin to know.

thank you Insidethis issue, you clearly dont get dark humour.. shes got a plot ready with my dad who died young and unexpectedly, the faff that caused , you would think she would make clear her position

I've had my wishes in place for 15 years...I'm 65. My adult dcs and dh know exactly what they are and what to do. Simple direct cremation. Job done

My mother paid for her own simple humanist funeral 20 years before she died. I hated it when she did it, but I was so grateful that she had. Everything was arranged-we didn't even have to think about it. And my siblings and I are a bit....weird... about money. So it was so good that we didn't have to have the discussion.

I didn't mean the full thoughts on music/ flowers etc just the basics buried or cremated. Church or not.

One of her sisters died very young, in her 30s 😪but I am hopeful she lives to a very ripe old age.

I'm 36 DH knows I want to be cremated, that's all. I also have a will, that's mostly in case something happens both DH and I to make sure DS is taken care of

how many threads have you read from Op’s in terribly toxic relationships with their mothers?

I hope any inheritance will go to Cat Rescue- to buy more litter. Wow!

My dear friends Husband dropped dead in his 50s, hadn't been ill before hand but had a massive heart attack. They hadn't spoken about their wishes after death. My poor friend was in deep shock and found it so difficult making decisions on whether it was to be burial or cremation, even what flower to have, in the end i had to make many of the lesser decisions. Even now she still worries she didn't do what he would wanted. Everyone is going to die so have the conversation.

@TheBayLady that's so sad. I'm in Ireland as well so usually there are only 3 days between someone dying and them being buried. So you really don't have any time to think

Of course it wasn't. A close friend lost a parent a couple of months ago. They weren't poorly (well it was thought to be minor, like a cold sort of thing) so these conversations didn't take place. They more or less dropped down dead. They were only a couple of years older than your mum. No one is too young to die.

56 is so young that the only reasonable way to ask her about it would be as part of a two-way exchange in which you also told her what your wishes are for when you die.
If you did it in a one-sided way, then it might seem a bit daft and offensive - as if the life of a 56 year old was pretty much over.

I honestly couldn’t care less what happens to me when I’m dead, maybe your DM is the same. It’s a ritual for the living that are left behind and in many ways will have nothing to do with me.
Its good if people can leave behind the costs for a funeral, but other than that it doesn’t really matter.

It doesn't matter how young she is, she could die at any time. She's being very silly not telling you important information.

I wrote my will and funeral wishes at 40.

My mum refused any discussion about POA and wills/funerals, even when she was diagnosed with cancer in her 80s. Sadly she died intestate quite suddenly (not from cancer) and it was an absolute nightmare to sort.

I fully believe we owe it to our children to discuss this sort of thing - the most final act of parenting, perhaps?

I think the funeral is for the people left behind so I am happy for my children to arrange anything that makes then feel better. It won't make any difference to me what they do
I got a lot of comfort from arranging my mum's funeral with my siblings.

I'm 61 and I would think it seriously weird if my son asked me about my 'wishes'. Surely it is for me to decide whether there is anything important enough about funeral arrangements that I would wish to sort it out early in the total absence of any ill-health or imminent death?
My own mother planned her funeral in detail after she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. That was a response to illness, not something that either of us would have thought about before she was diagnosed.
And, as others have said, the funeral is for the living. I'd be happy for my son to consult his own preferences when the time came - rather than consulting my preferences when I am still in the midst of life and haven't thought at all about what the hell kind of funeral i would want.
And also, isn't there enough mutual understanding in families that the very broad outlines of what might be right are tacitly understood?

I'm 60 and if my DDs asked this I wouldn't be fazed. However, I've had a career as a funeral arranger and have seen far too many deceased who had gone far before they should (sometimes suddenly, not always expected). It's never too early to make wishes known/write a note/get a funeral plan. You can always amend them if you change your mind.

Edit to add: the amount of people who walked through my door, not knowing where to start with the arrangements. If their loved one had at least made a few notes, it would have eased the burden on those left behind.

I'm 45, my kids are teens and they've long known whtbi with to happen when I die.
Although really the only thing I ant is to not be buried. But they know.

It's very sensible - anyone could be knocked down by a bus tomorrow. We never know when we're going to die.

But it might have been more tactful by opening up the conversation by saying that you had been thinking about your own funeral, talking about what you would like to happen after you die and then asking your if she's thought about what she would like to happen after she dies.

I agree it's sensible to ask, what I find surprising is how many people have to ask rather than be told. Everyone dies FFS why do some people not realise this!! DP is in 80s with a very serious condition where he could die suddenly at any moment despite being healthy otherwise, yet only recently told my sister where he keeps his bank stuff. No conversation about care if he weakens too much. My MIL who is mid 80s with an awful degenerative condition that will end up with her bedridden refuses to talk about it and got really angry and upset when SIL broached the topic recently about her preference for in home care or a nursing home. We have all been told not to bring it up again so chances are she will be non compos mentis and someone will make those decisions for her without her input, all because of silly pride. It actually IMO is selfish to put those huge decisions onto someone else's shoulders.

DH and I chat frequently about funeral songs etc. and we each know that the other wants to be cremated etc. But it comes up as a mutual conversation when we go to a funeral or see one on TV etc. And we both joke about our songs being updated all the time. I think I’d be a bit taken aback though, as someone not massively younger than my mother, if someone sat me down and asked about my funeral wishes. I’d feel as if they knew something I didn’t! And I think some people just don’t like thinking about their own deaths, which at 56 is statistically less likely to cause their relatives problems than if they were in their 80s.