Should I be worried about my little boy increasingly becoming a grumpy old man?

[butteredcrumpetsandjam]

He’s 7. He’s always been quirky, aloof and strong willed. He’s very bright and creative and has an inquisitive mind so likes to explore things and mess about with gadgets and tools and make robots and stuff.
Hes generally quite charming and witty and likeable, but…
He’s not social around other kids, he doesn’t join in and despises group activities. He prefers the company of adults and quiet spaces.
for example:
’it’s Tim’s birthday party next week, will you go?’
’no. It’s (venue) and it’s noisy and the foods terrible. Say I’m away’.
or
’your teacher says you’ve been getting on really amazingly with Jamal and you’re a great team on the technology project, would you like to invite him for tea?’
’no thanks. I see him at school enough’.
and
‘wow it was cold today, bet you were freezing at lunch!’
’I never go outside. Maria lets me help her wipe the tables in the dining room and then I go to the library and tidy up with John’. ( verified with teaching staff he is nearly always indoors voluntarily cleaning rather than playing outside as ‘he hates noisy kids running about and they sometimes knock into me’)
Apparently they started letting him do this as he always just sat on the far corner of the playground with his coat over his head telling people to go away if they came over to him.
He stopped attending any birthday parties about 2 years ago. He’s never been on a play date or hosted one. He doesn’t see any of his cousins and I don’t have any friends with children so outside of school there aren’t really any opportunities to meet kids.
at the weekends he always asks me to take him to the same galleries and museums and restaurants. We have a nice time.
I don’t know if I should worry at all or just accept that he likes his peace and quiet.

Any thoughts?

Is he an only child?

If he seems happy as he is I wouldn't force him to change :)

He isn't becoming a grumpy old man he is just being himself. Keep offering him opportunities to go to parties and activities but ultimately he will follow his own instincts and interests.

@anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled yes he is basically an only child. He has siblings but there’s a massive age gap so he’s never shared a home with them.

He sounds great! (and possibly also autistic)

@TheBirdintheCave @Deadringer
thanks for this. It’s kinda where my instincts were, but I do sometimes worry that he’s not very social.

@FortunataTagnips I’ve often pondered this. The combination of geekiness and his brutal honesty ( especially where the quality of food is concerned) and his little habits and routines… I’d not be a bit surprised.

He could be neuro diverse. There is nothing wrong with neuro diversity apart from the fact these kids often end up being bullied at school (one of my sons is neuro diverse). Forwarned is forarmed, in my books.

I always preferred the company of adults as a child, they were more interesting I can clearly remember being horrified at nursery at other children’s lack of table manners, I also taught myself to read and was reading classic literature aged 7 and understanding it enough to grasp many of the concepts. I also hate noise and bustle and still avoid crowds.

I used to sit on the front step and chat to adults as they passed, I mean this was the 1970’s, probably not actually safer times but less frowned on.

Am I ND and is your DS, Very probably. I had a decent career and do have friends and married another massive nerd, he is an academic. It’s finding the niche that you fit in. I worked in a University engineering dept for years. Was perfect, nerd levels off the scale and I was the departmental Librarian so was in a quiet environment. I mean so many of us were probably ND it just didn’t matter it was certainly my tribe.

I think perhaps that's an honesty ignoring social niceties, which, if he's happy, isn't a bad thing.

Dd1 could be very like that. "Would you like to go to X at the cinema?"
"No I don't want to see X and I hate going to the cinema..."

Whereas dd2 would have gone because she liked the people going with.

It took dd1 a very long time (and tbh I'm not totally sure she's even now totally got it as an adult; she'd still refuse but be a bit more tactful) to realise that her response was pushing people away because they were seen as rejections. I told her to say she'd ask me and I'd find a good reason, but she'd look at me and say "but that isn't true; I don't want to do it." <sigh>

However what I did find is that when dd1 made a friend, they were a very good long lasting friend who stuck with her. Whereas dd2 tended more to have a much looser group who didn't stick around for that long.

I would ask the school to put him forward for assessment for ASD, because I suspect he may well have it. He may be happy and doing fine now, but it may also be helpful down the line for things that it will open up for him.

But I wouldn't encourage him to do things he's told you he doesn't want to do, unless you think he will enjoy it if it comes to it. That wouldn't have worked with dd1 though. If she'd decided she wouldn't enjoy it she jolly well wouldn't!

@Kosenrufugirl very good point. I have zero concerns where he is now, it’s a brilliant school. The whole ethos is of a homely, family setup and they’re fabulous with the children and treat them as individuals. Secondary school frightens me a bit, he might find his people and I can see him loitering the lunch breaks away at things like chess or computer club. Otherwise I’d be open to meeting his needs outside of mainstream.It isn’t something I couldn’t manage if it was needed.

Is he neurotypical ?

I’m retired now and do miss my tribe. I’m doing voluntary work. I went along to a project for parents who need help. Great project providing clothes, nappies etc and also advice. I was going along with a view to being trained as an advice worker and to signpost people to the correct service. I couldn’t cope with the noise of the little ones running about and felt exhausted by it when I got home. It’s stuff like this that makes me regretful so I have had to turn down the opportunity. It’s knowing what you can cope with. Because even with a diagnosis and with adjustments it’s knowing yourself.

He sounds like a thoroughly interesting little chap. Does he have a very extensive vocabulary that is way ahead of his years?

DS was the same and he has ASD. We used to joke he was a 50yr old man in a kids body! I won't lie to you though, high school was tough. Other kids knew how to wind him up and took pleasure in doing so.

He did later on find his "tribe" though and those friendships have lasted years. I wouldn't change him. He's interesting and funny and I'm really proud of how much he's achieved.

Sounds ND to me.

@ViciousCurrentBun thanks for this. I think you and I are similar actually I get burned out from noise and chaos even if the experience is something positive on paper it can become overwhelming and unpleasant if it’s too noisy.
as for his vocabulary, not universally advanced no. He didn’t speak in sentences until he was nearly 4. He can talk to you about his interests and his explain how engines work and thermodynamics and stuff articulately with a lovely steady voice like a wee Michael Palin. His general conversation is very abrupt and he doesn’t do small talk for example:
Granny: it’s been a long time, you’ve really grown!
DS: well of course. I’m a child.
Granny: Will you eat some veggies? Are you a good boy and like veggies?
DS : yes normally, but these are overcooked.
you get the idea.

This sounds like my DH! He’s utterly brilliant and has no time for ‘chit chat.’ He’s kind and funny and dependable. He basically has 4 friends and he is very loyal to them but parties are mostly his idea of hell unless it’s a small group at ours of people he knows/likes.

MIL and FIL are both quite social so I think they found him baffling but took huge pride in his incredible academic achievements. I think they were quite relieved when he met me because I like a good natter (and I get on very well with my in laws- they are lovely).

One of our kids who is almost a teenager now is a bit like this too. Brilliant awkward boy. Except when he knows people and then he can be a chatterbox. We have let him be. He has a very small tribe of friends. And a younger sibling whom he’s very close to. Who adores him but also takes the piss out of him and he doesn’t mind.

My DS1 wasn’t direct like that. He would just shut up and be painfully painfully shy. He was nearly 5 when he struck up a conversation with another child voluntarily at a park. I remember texting DH because it was such a big deal. He also absolutely hates loud noisy parties. (Both my kids do- they like chilled out weekends with walks and books and board games).

But yes DH also doesn’t do small talk. I think age has conditioned his responses but I can imagine him being like your DS as a kid.

Love these conversational snippets! He sounds brilliant.

I was like this as a child and I'm NT. It isn't always down to being ND. Some people just don't like things most people do or are expected to. I've only read the OP though and no harm in looking into it, just worth noting that sometimes there isn't a definitive reason or condition, might just be who he is and that's that.

Granny: Will you eat some veggies? Are you a good boy and like veggies?
DS : yes normally, but these are overcooked.

That is brilliant.

He's just being himself, which is absolutely fine, he doesn't have to be anymore social than he wants. He'll find a hobby or a person or two he can tolerate and who can tolerate him soon enough.

The main thing is he is content/happy. There's time enough for concern etc if he was unhappy with his level of involvement with others.

Two of my adult sons were like this, mini geeky adults who preferred adult company or children much older than themselves! Never wanted playdates, sleepovers, i did one party for them when young, they didnt really enjoy it or want a repeat .......eldest's idea of a good weekend was a car boot sale where he could pick up loads of cheap books, comics and boardgames then immerse themselves in them for the rest of the weekend ( he taught himself to read prior to preschool). As far as I'm aware they are not autistic although definitely different to the 'norm', some elements of dyspraxia (took a long time to ride a bike). Both exceptionally bright and even now their idea of a good weekend is complex boardgames but they did find their tribe at secondary school. I'd say embrace his differences and enjoy his company (although he may need some lessons in tact with granny.......his conversation re veggies was hilarious but they may not find it so funny when he's a bit older) and allow him to be himself!

Took me a long time to work out that I'm an introvert who needs a lot of time to myself to recover from socialising which wears me out, maybe why he doesn't like noisy environments. My heart sinks when i get an invite i can't decline.

@Mossstitch your boys sound great! Love a bootsale!
Granny happens to be a toxic old witch which is why we only see her occasionally 🤣He was on his very best behaviour considering his genuine feelings towards her. He is a bit too honest though. I always ask him how I look , I know I’ll get a straight answer.