How you were parented v how up parent your own children

[thursdaygrumbles]

I was born late 70’s. Parents were very working class (dad was a miner). Parents never showed love really, never said I love you or had many outwardly signs of affection, but they do love us just never said it out loud or showed it that much.

tantrums were dealt with by a smack, there was absolutely no negotiation once they told you to do something.

fast forward many years and I now have 5 year old DT’s. I tell them all the time that I love them. DT1 today at my mums told me how much she loved me, we have this thing we say which is “never stop hugging”

when they don’t want to do something, like tonight getting in the bath, one of them didn’t want to, so I tickled her, and messed about for 2 minutes, tantrum over and into the bath she got.

that is so far removed from how my parents treated us.

I sometimes wonder, what my mum thinks when she hears and see’s how much we outwardly love each other. I suspect she feels that it’s unnecessary over indulgence but I do wonder if she has any pangs of regret that she didn’t have the same kind of relationship.

I do think it’s a very deliberate parenting choice to be this way

did the way you were parented affect how you were a parent yourself?

I parent very similarly to the way our parents parented us. As (from what I see) do my siblings.

Yes, we perhaps are more open in expressing our feelings, but I think that is a generational thing. Life has evolved and society is different, but in terms of the things we do and the way we do things, I've followed my parents' very good example.

My parents were like yours I think , fed us ,clothed us so what more could we need . I am a bit bitter about it . But they are gone now so.. I love my kids and I still cuddle them even though I have to reach upwards to do it 😁

I parent pretty much the opposite to the way I was parented. It’s not my parents’ fault, as they were both from dysfunctional backgrounds with a lot of poverty, alcoholism and MH issues, but they never realised there was more to parenting than basic food and clothes.

Yes. My parents house was more of a dictatorship whereas mine is more of a democracy. Subsequently I left home at 16. Now my DC is that age I can't even imagine them leaving home for a good few years, it's so young.
They never changed, still trying to tell me how to live my life at 50, I'm low contact and they know very little about my life which is a shame really but it's just how it is.
I do think I had the benefit of life experience before becoming a parent in my mid 30's whereas they had completed their family by the time they were mid 20's having gone straight from their parents home into a marriage. My mum said they were basically playing house and had no clue. However life experience hasn't changed them so who knows.

My mother has never told me she loves me, verbally. She's very "stiff upper lip" and she'd get all flustered at the idea.

However, I know, even now, she would give her life for mine, and she loves me immensely.

She was a very keep it all inside parent, and never did emotions, or the sex talk, or anything really. But she was incredibly supportive.

Now I'm older, and look at relationships with my peers and their mothers, I realise how lucky I am. However, as a child, I can remember hearing my friends' mothers tell my friends they loved them, and feeling a real sadness at the time, that my mother didn't love me as she'd never said so.

I tell my children I love them every day.

I also grew up very rich as a baby/toddler then poor from toddler to teens, then rich again. So I remember not having the material possessions that my friends did. Seemed to pass me by that I had ponies and went skiing (all budget versions mind) but boy do I remember that I didn't have many clothes etc in the years that teens can be arseholes about what you look like. I over compensate with my DC. In fact I probably have a problem with how much unnecessary stuff I get them, because I don't want them to feel they are being judged because of their appearance/lack of possessions compared to their peers.

I was an only child. It's shit. I have multiple DC for that exact reason. That's an active decision I made to do things differently.

Funny what our childhoods do to us, eh.

My mum very similar to yours.

I think the lack of talking got me, like PP no tall about life/sex/money.

I talk to my kids about these things I’m not shy to tell them about sec and responsibilities -

I also helped them get employment, writing CV’s interview techniques selling themselves.

Things that would’ve helped immensely.

2 of my siblings gains degrees in their 40’s as we were discouraged from doing so.

I do parent differently and I do love my children immensely.

I think I parent a similar way to how I was parented. I was born in the mid-70s. My parents weren't very strict. We were always told we were loved and given lots of nice experiences despite being poor.

I parent in a similar way in most respects - parents generally hugging and loving. Did get the odd smack but was raised with a healthy respect of boundaries and discipline and consequences

Obviously aside from the smacking I'm pretty similar. Albeit I would say I'm 10 years older than my parents were when they had me so environment has a huge effect - also a full time single parent so I have less patience and most likely shoutier

Our home was a tradionalish one. Dad worked, mum was a sahm. Both parents very affectionate physically so kisses and hugs in abundance. Mum would always cook my favourite meals on special occasions and still does. Certain things were non negotiable such as for dinner, you ate what was cooked or had options of cereal or toast. Bedtimes, bath times and chores were non negotiable and in general we did as we were told. As we got older (late teens) we were involved in household decisions. My mum was always very open about periods etc. so I knew before my own started and I was 10. They are very supportive parents, always championed us. We are a Muslim family but neither parent was particularly devout in terms of regular praying. We really differ here as both dh and I pray regularly and model that for our children.

In general I try to parent in a similar way but I do take into account that my kids are growing up in a different era and dh and I both work.

I would call my parents 'normal' if that exists, we didn't have rules but decent parents who only told us off if we needed it, helped us when we needed it and still do

Same for my husband and I think we do this for our child, anything goes unless it is annoying or inappropriate will finish school next year but no issues, so far atleast

My mum was strict when she needed to be but overall was pretty relaxed about things. I can’t really remember her ever yelling at us. My dad, on the other hand, was more shout first, ask questions later. He once smacked me on the bare bum with a slipper so hard it left a mark for days and our relationship through my teenage years was difficult to the point where I went to stay with a friend for a few weeks (this was during a time when my mum was ill on life support). He died when I was 18 and our relationship never really recovered. I can see that he was parenting the way he was parented though.

With my own kids I can’t ever imagine shouting at them the way my dad did with me. I have times where I need to raise my voice but it’s more a ‘I’ve already told you 3(hundred) times to brush your teeth, hurry up!’ rather than giving them into trouble. I’m also very relaxed about things like ‘swearing’, I would have been grounded for using words like crap, for god sake etc whereas I don’t really care if my kids use words like that. My eldest is 10 and loves Olivia Rodrigo, some of her songs have swearing but I’m happy for my kids to listen to the uncensored version, as long as she isn’t singing the offending words in the school playground, my mum would never have let me do that.

My Mum was very shouty, I try not be as much. The main thing was my Mum has only once in ,y life told me she was proud of me. I tell my kids regularly.

My dad was in his late 40s when I came along.
He was raised in the 1930s by my grandparents, one of whom, grandad, was born in the 1890s.

It's not really any wonder that my dads and his dad's generations were very very different.

But my parents did the best they could. They tried to push me into things I didn't want to do and I pushed back against them. I was never going to be a lawyer or a vet or a Dr. I hated school and learning, my dad used to get quite furious with me because of it and the more angry he got, the more I resisted.
He once grounded me for a fortnight for not doing well enough on a maths test. The next maths test, I signed my name and wrote 42 for every answer.. (amazingly i got 1 right)
He was in his 60s, yelling at a 14 year old who just wanted to listen to Nirvana and Mope.. his pressure only made me consider running away and at the worst times, well.. more definitive endings shall we say.

Anyway...

Basically, in comparison, I don't give a shit about my kid... 🤣 (Not really)
I try to balance my want for her to do well with her happiness without pressure or anger. Her life is her path and wherever it leads, as long as she is happy, then that is all I want for her. Whatever shape her happiness takes, I'll help her mould it, not try to force a shape upon her. Iyswim

Very different upbringing. I'm very present in my child's life. They aren't an inconvenience and I delight in spending time with them.

I had meals and clean clothes but not much above that. I don't remember hugs or laughing. I got myself up for school from primary aged.

Im neurodiverse and I can tell my son is. I don't laugh at him for meltdowns and I work to help him with the skills he needs (tidying his bedroom, sitting down for homework etc). He isn't going to waste half of his life thinking there is something wrong with him!

But as a grandma, my mum is much better and I don't feel any resentment- im happy she's happier. Im low contact with my dad but he wasn't really a parental figure as he worked away a lot. I think I was a child who needed a lot of nurturing (orchid) and she was more of a hands off dandelion parent. Being a parent has been really helpful for my own personal growth and acceptance.

We had very little affection / cuddles - mum had mental health condition throughout my childhood. OP I’m exactly the same with my DC and wonder the same (about what my parents think) too.

Both my parents were very affectionate and caring but they were highly qualified medical professionals and worked long hours. That meant we had a nanny, who was lovely, until we went away to school from the age of 12. At school we were taught to be self confident and independent. School holidays were amazing but we spent most of that time with our grandparents in Provence, which meant we were both fluent and literate in French.

My kids education and upbringing were on a different planet to mine so you cannot really make a meaningful comparison. Interestingly, my parents were a lot more involved with my children than they were with me and my sisters. I also see them a lot more - we live in the same area of London/Surrey. But as I worked NHS shift patterns my husband was a lot more hands on than I, so their upbringing was very much of his influence : organised, structured with a mix of lunacy.

Leathered,skint and ignored.

My mum was, at heart, a good mum who made bad choices, and unfortunately failed to protect us, and my dad was a vile piece of shit who terrorised us all and spent his entire time at home either shouting at us, hitting us or glowering in silence waiting for an ‘excuse’ to do the former. Neither of them really said they loved us, my mum used to say I said it to her too much and my dad used to shrug us off if we even tried to hold his hand. I clearly remember him prising his fingers away from my hand when I was about 4 or 5. Strange how that memory kind of hurts more than the times he punched or kicked me.
I try so hard to be openly affectionate, kind and caring, and while I don’t consider myself to be a gentle parent as such, I try not to shout or anything like that. I’m determined to let my son be himself, and to just be a kid, which we were never allowed to do. I want him to know he is deeply loved, and supported, and that me and his dad only ever want the best for him. And that we really love each other too. I so want him to look back and think he had a nice childhood.

I think some of the differences in the way I parent and the way my parents parents are broad generational trends. They were very much of the 'because I say so' school of parenting. We were smacked, shouted at and told to 'wait till your father gets home' (I shout occasionally, but otherwise this is all total anathema to how DH and I parent our kids). There was a high expectation to conform/give the right impression. I don't remember a lot of verbal affection (though mum went in for that classic: 'I love you even when I don't like you' sometimes), but there was never any doubt that we kids were loved.
Academic expectations were high; they were involved and supportive.

I'm much more open to negotiation and trying to understand my kids' behaviours and motivations. I'm of the 'behaviour is communication' school of thought (or try to be at least!). I'd never dream of smacking or deliberately shaming them. I'm far less didactic and certain that my own opinion is the right one (maybe too much so sometimes).

My parents did a great job when we were in our mid-teens onwards of keeping their anxieties to themselves and giving the impression that they believed we'd be ok if we did (e.g. with driving, travelling etc). That's something I am consciously trying to emulate now that my own kids are that age.

I absolutely believe how I was parented has impacted the way I parent. Though I think in a different way than how you describe. I suspect that my mum's childhood (in the 50s) was similar to yours. Children (and there were a lot of them) were fed, clothed, provided for (and I do think loved very much), but it was traditional and strict and not the sort of expressive sorts of parent-child relationships we have now. She had an older brother who was very challenging (still is, last I heard from him 20 years ago) and she had to do a lot of overcompensating to get attention and affection within a very busy household.

The impact of that was that she became an over the top expresser of emotions - everything was 'I love you' and fawning over everyone and big shows of affection and attention - and also someone who found it difficult to ever say no for fear of not pleasing people. This affected how she parented, but also all her other relationships. She tolerates poor behaviour that most people wouldn't because she doesn't want to make anyone upset by challenging it. She gives people silly amounts of money for attention and thank yous. As a child, it meant that she never really said no or made me do anything I didn't want to do. If I wanted a puppy, I got a puppy. If I didn't want to go to school, I didn't have to go to school. If I wanted to do something stupid and dangerous, she would drive me there and drop me off to make sure I could do it (I meant, like stuff that is really stupid where most parents would have said, absolutely not). I think she came out of her childhood with the belief that if she just made everyone happy and never said no, then they would love her and not leave her. It made for a chaotic childhood for me though. I didn't have the healthy boundaries I needed.

As a parent, I'm not overly emotive and warm, but when I say I love my kids (and I do every day), I would like to think they know I mean it. I'm very strict about boundaries and saying no. If something isn't appropriate or safe or sensible, it's a firm no and there's no negotiation. I try not to indulge them. Dh and I can afford probably more than my mum every could when I was growing up, but I don't get them whatever they want on principle. I want them to understand that we say no because we know better than they do most of the time and we're making good decisions on their behalf. I'm not massively generous or overly showy with gifts or money. All this definitely comes from my childhood and how I was parented. They have a much more dependable, even keeled life rather than one that's big ups and downs all the time. And I'm really strict about things like school. We don't do duvet days or have a day at home with the sniffles. They go to school unless they are truly ill. I do often wonder if it just goes in cycles and wonder what my dc will be like when/if they have dc, if they'll go the other way.

I can only hope to parent as my parents did.
We were so lucky to have parents who expressed and showed great love (still do after 50 years of marriage), and despite being married in '73, and having a "traditional" set up, treated each other fairly and in consultation together.
They were firm but fair and a great believer in speaking our feelings and giving support and being there no matter what.
Consequently, I spend my days striving to replicate the upbringing I had, hoping that when my kids get older they reflect the same way I do.

My parents weren't perfect people by any means, but they did a wonderful job together and I know how lucky I was and am to have that.

A lot of smacking, much behaviour management and no interest (from my perspective) in the reasons behind the behaviour. Very much expected to fit in around adults lives.

That said, I was bought a lot of books and my parents put themselves into debt to pay for private education when they saw how bad our local schools were and knew how academic I was. I was taken everywhere and expected to behave well. Many museum visits.

I unschool my kids, and parenting is largely by negotiation and agreement. I don't remember the last punishment - I'm not sure I ever have punished as such. I certainly don't smack. But I will make them face fair consequences. I do build my life around the kids.

But I have access to the internet and the freedom to choose my own social group, not limited by geography or work. My friends are largely like me. We know about autism etc now, there's more research into gentle parenting. My parents had none of that. They thought they were doing well but beating with belts, tbh.

Plus neither parent ever said they loved me. Ever. My mum has said she doesn't believe she's capable of loving anyone (very abusive childhood), and my dad is where the family autism comes from (undiagnosed in him but very obvious).

If I ask my kids whether they know I love them, they roll their eyes and say "yeeeees, you keep telling us!"

By some standards I am quite hardline compared to other parents but there’s a lot more visible love and negotiation and compromise in our household compared to mine growing up. More emphasis on what we do together than appearances. And yes, I’ve never smacked my kids. However, both DH and I have reflected that there are things our kids do that we would never have dreamed of doing because we would have been hit for it.

Interesting.

I hope we're taking the positives from both.

My parents saw us very much as individuals. But they weren't very open emotionally. So you got understood as a person, but not demonstrably loved and even significant achievements were taken as "you're clever/sporty, we knew you could do it". We were raised to be capable and independent, a massive plus.

My MIL is much more warm and demonstrative, but treats people a lot less as individuals. Boys like football, girls like pink etc. Judging by the Christmas presents she gets me, I think is have been miserable growing up a girl with her. They raised their kids fairly dependent - BIL went from her doing his laundry to SIL doing it.

But it also depends on the child receiving the parenting, so hopefully my little boy understands I'm trying my best.