How you were parented v how up parent your own children

[thursdaygrumbles]

I was born late 70’s. Parents were very working class (dad was a miner). Parents never showed love really, never said I love you or had many outwardly signs of affection, but they do love us just never said it out loud or showed it that much.

tantrums were dealt with by a smack, there was absolutely no negotiation once they told you to do something.

fast forward many years and I now have 5 year old DT’s. I tell them all the time that I love them. DT1 today at my mums told me how much she loved me, we have this thing we say which is “never stop hugging”

when they don’t want to do something, like tonight getting in the bath, one of them didn’t want to, so I tickled her, and messed about for 2 minutes, tantrum over and into the bath she got.

that is so far removed from how my parents treated us.

I sometimes wonder, what my mum thinks when she hears and see’s how much we outwardly love each other. I suspect she feels that it’s unnecessary over indulgence but I do wonder if she has any pangs of regret that she didn’t have the same kind of relationship.

I do think it’s a very deliberate parenting choice to be this way

did the way you were parented affect how you were a parent yourself?

Oh, and I never received compliments on my looks as a young girl. But my sister and I are always telling our sons that they're beautiful.

I can see a lot of similarities in the way I was parented to how I do it now.
For instance: lying about something is a worse crime than the thing you lied about. If you're not at school, you don't go out with friends after school/weekends etc. No patience for nonsense or drama.

Biggest differences I see are to how I parent:
There's zero hitting.
Communication is much more open. I've been known to give a lecture once or twice but for the most part, I'd rather we discussed it so they can see why things weren't great decisions or for me to understand why they acted a certain way.

We have a house rule: Don't be a dick.
It covers all manner of sins and whether someone has acted poorly is summed up with one question (now that the kids are teens, though it applies to adults too)
"Were you a dick? Yes? Well then, you were out of line and should do X,Y,Z differently next time"

I parent similarly to how I was parented, but with more emotional maturity.

Emotionally and day to day I parent very similar to my parents- the one huge difference is what I was exposed to. I was watching brookside at 5, going to bed with a pint of squash, second hand smoke from parents that always had a fag!

I grew up in fear and convinced my parents didn’t really like me. They didn’t want to spend time with, or get to know me. I had very anxious attachment. I would do anything for anyone who gave me affection.

I let my kids know daily how amazing I think they are and how loved they are. I do anything I can to build their confidence and resilience. I still discipline but more in the way of gentle parenting.

I was always frightened of my parents. I don't want my son to be frightened of me. Sometimes I feel at a complete loss because I know I need to discipline him but I have no model for how to do it without using fear.

I like your "don't be a dick" rule! We have a "try not to make anyone's life harder, including your own" but yours is much pithier. I may change.

We've been strict with the DC since they were tiny, they know that no means no and we expect a certain behaviour, it's paid off now as I don't have any whining, negotiating, bribery etc. In my parents case it was through fear, however we don't smack and rarely shout. An explanation of "Why?" was used when they were old enough to understand, rather than "because I said so." I feel like we treat the DC as their own people with their own minds more than my DP did. Children were seen and not heard was a phrase used often. DH and I are more of a team, we chat more as a family, the DC have more input and choices in family life and we don't apply the pressure to achieve the same way mine did (it made me overdose). It's a more fun and relaxed house to the one I grew up in.

I was smacked - hard, throughout teens to adulthood. Never hugged. Screamed at over the smallest accidents (spilling water)

My home is my children's safe space. I would never raise my voice (unless they were in perilous danger) and have never once physically harmed them in any way, not even a tap on the back of the hand

We do not shout, we discuss. We hug. We verbally show our love

I speak to my parents but I will never forgive them

I parented exactly the opposite in every single way to my parents. I was very aware as I became a parent I didn't want my child to feel like I did growing up. I also only had one child as the worry of treating more children differently was always huge for me.

I'm NC with my own birthday mother (she's vile)

My thought process is simple: what would X do? Then I do the opposite

Seems to be working so far

My parents were strict. When other children were running around (probably annoying other people) we were sitting wistfully watching them. But everyone said how good and polite we are. We’ve also grown up shy people-pleasers who are scared of confrontation.

I’m far more slack with my own DC. Mostly because DH and I are quite old and are too busy to be bothered. Our DC argue back, are eloquent and confident and witty. But their manners aren’t great. I think my mum is shocked sometimes.

Another family member let her DC rule the roost completely- no set bedtimes, ate what they want etc. One of those DC now has children of her own and she is very very strict. Her children have beautiful manners, but I see them looking anxiously at her, never knowing when they’ll have a treat withdrawn with no warning.

So basically we’ve all done the opposite of how we were brought up.

Mid 70's child here. Parents were wonderful in many ways and although they didn't say I love you it was absolutely known.
I had friends with younger parents who I thought were cool, saying I love you and kissing the friend when she left etc but the same parents went on holiday when it was time to go to back to uni so we took her. So I kind of understood it's what people do that matters most.
I parent in some of the same ways except we are much more openly affectionate. My DM said she liked how open we are with saying I love you etc. I think their generation saved it for twice in a lifetime.
I was not allowed to laze about much, but I let my teens loaf about reading or chilling a lot as long as they help if asked and school/college work is up to date. I think I do more for them domestically.
I was made to feel very secure as a person and I hope to be able to do the same for them.

Pretty similarly tbh, despite the fact that I was born in the early 1970s and my dc are teenagers now. Mine were good parents, affectionate without being very emotional, pretty fun, good company, not too strict, not too lax, not old-fashioned in their attitudes by the standard of the times.