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Original poster

Horrible topic but I need to ask

126 replies

hdtaw · 03/02/2024 20:19

Hello all, We found out about two weeks ago that my nan (86) has stage four cancer, it's also spread to her bones and lymph nodes etc. They are not offering any treatment and she would like to die at home so we took her home from the hospital.

My mum and I have moved in with her because we don't want her to be alone (my grandad passed away two years ago) and in the first week she was up watching films with us, Eating three meals a day and drinking cups of tea etc and now she has gone downhill so fast, She has refused food for the last four days, and the only drink she will have is water when she has to take her meds, She is also choosing to stay in bed and is sleeping through the day and only really wakes up when we wake her to give her her medication, She has been this way for four days now. Its also getting harder to wake her up, as in we will say her name over and over and it takes a while for her to wake up.

Anyone with experience of looking after someone with this stage of cancer? How long is it likely to be now before she passes away? I know no answer is set in stone but if she hasn't eaten for four days I'm thinking she might be near?

OP posts:
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NigelHarmansNewWife · 03/02/2024 20:22

I don't know, but I feel for you and what a lovely thing you are doing for your gran x

Ratfinkstinkypink · 03/02/2024 20:22

Have you got help from the district nurses/hospice? DH had a good couple of weeks without eating but once he stopped drinking too he died within days, it is different for each person though and DH was only in his 50s. I am sorry you find yourself in this position.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/02/2024 20:25

So sorry you're going through this but I'd say she was nearing end of life. Sleeping a lot is common. She may actually have a period of lucidity and perk up which is also very common. I used to use a cotton pad to moisten my mums lips when she stopped drinking. I hope it's peaceful ❤️

2Old2Tango · 03/02/2024 20:28

Hi OP. I'm very sorry to hear about your nan. The sleeping is natural as it's likely some of the meds have a sedative effect.

My DH has bone cancer, though he's a lot younger. He too sleeps a lot of the time.

My dad died from pancreatic cancer a few years ago and in my experience once the patient stops eating then it won't be too long. It could be days but could also be a few weeks or up to 2 months. It's an awful time for sure.

Keep talking to your nan, even when she's dozing. I found comfort in doing little things, like putting balm on dad's lips, or rubbing moisturiser in his skin while I talked to him would make him a little more comfortable.

Sending you a virtual hug as you go through this difficult time 💐

JanuarySlog · 03/02/2024 20:28

Do you have nursing support? From Macmillan, Marie curie or direct from the trust/board? There should be nurses coming in to see her regularly at this point. Does she have a pain management plan? If she stops swallowing I'd be concerned that would prevent her having appropriate pain control via oral medication.

So sorry about this. It must be really hard for you all. Daffodil

noctiscaelum · 03/02/2024 20:29

I did exactly that, with my grand father. He had terminal cancer and choose to come home.
Once he stopped eating, he had iv. He was just mostly sleeping all day, responded sometimes asking for water.
He passed away about 2 weeks later, and it was quite peaceful for him.

Cockapoopoopoo · 03/02/2024 20:31

My mum lasted one month from the day it was diagnosed terminal and treatment stopped. Fine for a week then rapid decline and it was so horrific that death seemed a blessing by that point

thesandwich · 03/02/2024 20:32

Please get support from your gp who can arrange input from district nurses, palliative care team, hospice etc.

justanotherparrot · 03/02/2024 20:39

I don't have much to contribute, but being there for her and doing as much as you are able has got to be everything, and she will know that ❤️

Boiledbaconbutty · 03/02/2024 20:40

Sending you lots of strength at this tough time. Also, admiration for you looking after her. If she’s well dosed up on morphine she’ll be drifting in and out of deep sleep and semi aware of her surroundings so just be aware that she can probably hear you at times even when not responding. Perhaps play a few of her old favourite records quietly in the background as this is likely to help her have nice dreams from the memories. Just before the end she might get a little restless or make strange noises, she’s not aware or suffering, it’s the body rather than her driving it.
If at any point she seems uncomfortable or you feel overwhelmed pick up the phone to macmillan or the district nurse and ask for support.
I hope she goes peacefully soon.

Shiningout · 03/02/2024 20:41

You should definitely be getting support from district nurses and or macmillan etc for this op. But it does sound near the end. Try to just let her sleep as much as she needs instead of trying to wake her, it's so hard but when the body is shutting down it's very natural to go to sleeping for most of the time.

Mum2jenny · 03/02/2024 20:43

Sorry you are having to get through this. Sending best wishes and a handheld

Depressedbarbie · 03/02/2024 20:44

I echo the pp with regards to making sure there is a plan in place for pain relief when swallowing is a struggle- a syringe driver or similar. It didn't take long to go when my mum stopped eating, but she was in a lot of pain until the syringe driver was in place.

CopperLion · 03/02/2024 20:45

Not eating can be a sign someone is nearing the end OP. It’s because the body is shutting down. The MacMillan website has some good information for those supporting someone at the end of life.

You and your mum sound wonderful. I hope your nan passes peacefully when the time comes and that you also receive some professional support in caring for her. Please take the advice that others have offered here.

When my own beloved nan passed away from cancer at age 90 I was there and able to hold her hand whilst she passed. She was surrounded by people who loved her. It was a hard time but I’m so glad that we were there. You will always be glad to have supported her Flowers

Inyourwildestdreams · 03/02/2024 20:46

I’ve been in your position twice unfortunately @hdtaw so I’m sending you a big hug. It’s an awful time. I hope your nan is peaceful.

Even though she’s sleeping she’ll likely be able to hear you so talk to her. I played lots of my Nanas favourite music to her in her final days. She had barely opened her eyes for 48 hours and when I decided to get her music and put it on she turned her head and smiled as soon as she heard it. It brought me a lot of peace to know that she could hear what was going on.

As other have asked - do you have support from GPs/district nurses/macmillan etc? They should be making regular visits towards the end to keep your man comfortable.

blondieminx · 03/02/2024 20:47

Do you have any district nurse / palliative team support?

they will be able to arrange a morphine pump to make your Nan more comfortable.

another recommendation for the Dr Mannix video. She’s so good.

hearing is the final of our senses to go… so talk to her lots, and be together with her.

the terminally ill often develop different breathing that sounds different, sort of rattly. Once my dad had that it was just under 2 days till he died.

be together, surround her with love and make sure she has plenty of pain meds to keep her comfy xx

Waitingfordoggo · 03/02/2024 20:48

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re doing a wonderful thing and although it is tough and exhausting, you will be comforted in the future that you were able to support your Nan at this time.

A hospice nurse told me a general rule of thumb:

If the patient is changing on a weekly basis, they likely have weeks to live. If things are changing daily, then days to live. And by the time they are deteriorating on an hourly basis, they will be in their last hours.

This is obviously not going to be true for all patients but as a rule of thumb, it was correct for my parents, who both died of cancer.

Manchestermummax3 · 03/02/2024 20:49

There is more than enough advice already posted that I would have said..... so, I would like just to offer you a virtual handhold 💐

rwalker · 03/02/2024 20:52

We played some of my dad’s favourite music
he was 10 days no food and water
on had a brief episode 20 minutes where he was unsettled
he seem more relaxed and peaceful than he had been in years
went in his sleep

Mementomorissons · 03/02/2024 20:54

It's unknowable really, definitely soon but hard to put a timeline on that.

You want to make sure district nurse is available on demand to give strong pain relief (this is usually the hardest thing to sort out, you do have to be persistent with it and fight for you nan on her behalf).

Also things like ice lollies are good when people don't want to drink liquid.

Lastly, don't feel guilty at all of she passes alone when no one is in the room with her. My mum's a carer who's seen many deaths now, and this has been the most common time that her clients have passed away, when the family members get some rest/sleep and leave the room

Startyabastard · 03/02/2024 20:56

Macmillan, you need more support. I'm surprised you haven't been getting any by default.

kiwiane · 03/02/2024 20:56

Contact your GP and get the District Nurse involved soon; you need support to ensure she stays comfortable and doesn’t get sore.

Ulysees · 03/02/2024 21:00

Aren't you getting outside support?

Took a week for my mum. I stayed in the hospital with her. She was restless just before and unconscious. She had a driver for pain.

It's good she has you both ❤️💐

Namechange1267 · 03/02/2024 22:23

Don’t be fooled if she magically eats loads one day in the future thats she’s going to last a few more weeks. Sometimes they have a last minute spurt and it’s a sign the end is near.

Im sorry for your loss, I hope you get some end of life care aid. It might be worth asking if you haven’t already