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Original poster

Horrible topic but I need to ask

126 replies

hdtaw · 03/02/2024 20:19

Hello all, We found out about two weeks ago that my nan (86) has stage four cancer, it's also spread to her bones and lymph nodes etc. They are not offering any treatment and she would like to die at home so we took her home from the hospital.

My mum and I have moved in with her because we don't want her to be alone (my grandad passed away two years ago) and in the first week she was up watching films with us, Eating three meals a day and drinking cups of tea etc and now she has gone downhill so fast, She has refused food for the last four days, and the only drink she will have is water when she has to take her meds, She is also choosing to stay in bed and is sleeping through the day and only really wakes up when we wake her to give her her medication, She has been this way for four days now. Its also getting harder to wake her up, as in we will say her name over and over and it takes a while for her to wake up.

Anyone with experience of looking after someone with this stage of cancer? How long is it likely to be now before she passes away? I know no answer is set in stone but if she hasn't eaten for four days I'm thinking she might be near?

OP posts:
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6
Amazinggrace89 · 04/02/2024 08:54

It sounds like she is nearing the end. She will probably have a surge right before she goes so enjoy that precious time. Sending you lots of love and what a wonderful thing you and your mum are doing enabling her to pass at her own home. Xx

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 04/02/2024 08:56

It was about 10 days / 2 weeks for my grandmother at that stage. We had her on fluids.

6pence · 04/02/2024 09:00

I believe that feet often change colour when death is very imminent. Hearing is definitely the last sense to go.
Hope her end is peaceful xxx

BarrelOfOtters · 04/02/2024 09:01

We went through this with dh’s son. I’ve always had the suspicion that he held on till his mum and dad had gone to get some rest leaving the nurses staying in the room with him . Sometimes you can let someone know it’s ok to go.

you are doing a lovely thing.

CharlieBoo · 04/02/2024 09:07

The day my dad died he woke up and wanted to eat and managed a whole bowl of raspberries and ice cream. Then over the course of the day it became obvious he was going, his breathing was loud and deteriorating. There is no way of knowing when, but keep talking to her even though she’s sleeping, sing or play her favourite songs. It’s just the worst time just waiting. 💔

useitorlose · 04/02/2024 09:16

My MIL's passing was very similar. Four weeks before she passed, she was lively and chatting and playing board games with my DCs on the ward. Two weeks later, the staff were exploring discharge options although she was 82, widowed and lived alone, and couldn't stand due to the tumour on her spine.

In her final week, she was sleeping much more, was hard to rouse and refused food. When the priest was called, it seemed really premature at first - but then it proved well timed as he visited on the Monday evening and she passed in the early hours of Weds morning, still in hospital. She was admitted on 10 October (metastatic breast cancer) and died on 17 November (this was several years ago).

RedHelenB · 04/02/2024 09:20

If she's sleeping and peaceful, you're doing the best for her.

measureofmydreams · 04/02/2024 09:40

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Others here have given great practical advice and suggestions re outside help and I'd add that Dr Kathryn Mannix may be worth considering (Ted and Spotify).

TheBayLady · 04/02/2024 09:49

Bless you for taking such great care of your Nan, she will die surrounded by love and that is so important for all of you. The end will be soon, talk to her and hold her hand and say all the things you wanted to say. In the final few hour before my darling mum and sisters died we were advised to say our goodbyes then just hold their hands and and just let them rest and slip away. We noticed that if anyone spoke my mum would disturb and become agitated , the nurse explained we were pulling her back and it was best to just sit, which we did and she just slipped away. We sat with my mum for the first hour after her death and spoke very quietly, no sobbing as we didn't want that to be the last thing she heard.
I hope the end is soon and very peaceful x

Hakunatomato · 04/02/2024 09:54

So sorry for what you are going through. Be kind to yourself. Please don’t feel guilty if you hope this doesn’t last long. You’re not wishing her gone. You’re hoping that her death is not prolonged or distressing or painful for her. The same as any of us would.

PolaDeVeboise · 04/02/2024 09:57

A huge thank you to all who have posted here (and love and thanks to OP for posting). We went through this with Mum back in August, and have doubted everything we did on and off since then, but it appears we were absolutely right in how we dealt with it. It was hard, but she always said she didn't want to die in hospital, so me and my 2 sisters moved in to care for her. We had some mad, stressful, but also some funny episodes. She died with the whole family round her, not long after the driver was fitted. All the best OP x

CollagenQueen · 04/02/2024 09:57

Have been in the exact same position with my Mum. We were told she had 6-12 weeks left, and she died at the 6 week mark.

When she got to the stage your Nan is at now (ie. not eating and sleeping lots), it was only a matter of days before she passed. Flowers

zingally · 04/02/2024 09:57

What a wonderfully loving thing you and your mum are doing for your nan.

This all sounds like very normal end-of-life stuff. The sleeping a lot is normal as the body starts to gradually shut down. The food intake stops, as the body simply doesn't need it any more. Then the fluid intake will stop. Keeping her lips moist with a nice lipbalm will help, and will stop her looking too parched.

Keep talking to her normally. They say the hearing is the last thing to go.

Sometimes people rally for a day or two right at the end. Going from looking like death is right around the corner, to sitting up and talking. This is normal, but doesn't last long.

I was with my grandma when she passed. She was very restless, but seemed unconscious, in her final hours. She seemed to like physical touch. We rubbed her back and arms quite forcefully, and that seemed to soothe her.
In the end, her actual passing was peaceful, but seemed to take a while. The doctors claimed they could still sense a pulse in her groin area, even though she looked very clearly dead to us.

Sending you a lot of love.

Capmagturk · 04/02/2024 10:06

I'm sorry, I cared for my mum last year with stage four. Il private message you something the nurse gave me that indicates how long someone may have left in months, weeks, days, next day or two by symptoms. Sending you all lots of love and strength.

Cailin66 · 04/02/2024 10:17

My mum was given 3 months and it was 7 weeks. My OH who had experience told me the last time he saw her she had 2 weeks. She wanted to die at home, which is the best place. We children took it in turns to sleep with her and mind her so she was never alone. Soup and yogurt were good. She hardly ate but liked things to be tasty. The doctor gave us morphine, told us how much, and said give more if we felt she needed it. Her passing was comical. It is related to needing to go to the toilet. There are funny moments. Her passing was one of those as we had to move her to the bed and we were not sure she was dead. She would have laughed too. My sister disposed of the morphine right after. The most important is for there to be no pain.

I believe our laughing is out of love and grief. Relief that it’s over. It’s just so intense. So emotional.

Capmagturk · 04/02/2024 10:17

Sorry it doesn't let me pm a picture, so will add here. I can't find the unedited version. This was correct for me I done it regularly and this was correct she died two weeks after this, sorry you are all going through this.

Horrible topic but I need to ask
Andthereyougo · 04/02/2024 10:20

I’m sorry you’re all going through this. You and your mum are truly wonderful for looking after your grandmother at home. Look after yourselves, make sure you eat and drink and sleep when you can. 💐

Bunnyhopskip · 04/02/2024 10:20

My gran chose to be in a nursing home when her health declined, and in her final weeks she stopped eating, and then said everything tasted disgusting so wouldn't even drink in the last few days. During the last week she was so so frail, couldn't speak, barely woke, but seemed peaceful, once she was on a syringe driver. Before that was put in, she seemed quite irritable and uncomfortable. So sorry you're going through this op, what a lovely thing to do, looking after her in the way she wishes. I'd speak to Macmillan or the district nurses and see if there's anything that can be done to make her more comfortable, like putting in a syringe driver, so she's not in pain during her final days/hours. It definitely made a huge difference to my nans final stage, as she was definitely struggling before, but didn't want to complain, which was typical of how she always was. Sending love and strength your way op. X

Capmagturk · 04/02/2024 10:22

I'd also recommend watching videos by hospicenursepenny and hospicenursejulie on Instagram this really helped me to know what to expect and prepare me. I was able to know when things were changing and could reassure my siblings. Not everyone shows the same signs and symptoms though my mum didn't do any "reaching" and she never had any "visioning" as she was sedated the last two days.

Mynewnameis · 04/02/2024 10:30

Bless you for caring for her. Do let the nurses help now. Like with a syringe driver for when she can't swallow tablets. Also, so you and your mum can look after yourselves a bit. I wish your nan a peaceful passing.

OssieShowman · 04/02/2024 10:33

just make sure she is comfortable and pain free.
make sure her lips are moistened by dipping a cotton stick in water.
she might like a little bit of ice cream in her mouth. That’s what we did with my dad. Thinking of your family.

CissOff · 04/02/2024 10:35

So sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s horrible. It was about 6/7 days from this stage to dying for the most recent grandparent I lost.

When they started Cheyne-Stokes breathing, we had less than an hour for both of them. It was a good indicator that death was imminent. There are videos on YouTube if you want to hear what it sounds like - to keep a listen for your DNan.

Flowers
frostyfeet · 04/02/2024 10:47

hdtaw · 03/02/2024 20:19

Hello all, We found out about two weeks ago that my nan (86) has stage four cancer, it's also spread to her bones and lymph nodes etc. They are not offering any treatment and she would like to die at home so we took her home from the hospital.

My mum and I have moved in with her because we don't want her to be alone (my grandad passed away two years ago) and in the first week she was up watching films with us, Eating three meals a day and drinking cups of tea etc and now she has gone downhill so fast, She has refused food for the last four days, and the only drink she will have is water when she has to take her meds, She is also choosing to stay in bed and is sleeping through the day and only really wakes up when we wake her to give her her medication, She has been this way for four days now. Its also getting harder to wake her up, as in we will say her name over and over and it takes a while for her to wake up.

Anyone with experience of looking after someone with this stage of cancer? How long is it likely to be now before she passes away? I know no answer is set in stone but if she hasn't eaten for four days I'm thinking she might be near?

Just want to say you're doing a wonderful thing for your nan, and you won't regret it although it must be hard to see her suffer.

Whoopaday · 04/02/2024 11:07

Another one to say what a lovely thing you and your mum are doing. But it’s only sustainable over a short period of time which I hope for your nan it is quick

OCDmama · 04/02/2024 11:11

I'm sorry you're going through this. My dear BIL died last Sunday of cancer, the decline was very very fast, only 5 days.

It sounds like it's near. Be prepared she might feel increasing pain towards the end, do not be afraid to contact the nurses as much as needed. It can take a little experimenting to get the right sedatives/relaxants, but they have many courses of treatment.

I hope she passes as painlessly as possible.