Needing people for childcare

[ProbsUnreasonable]

I’ve name changed for this as, probably understandably, it will be controversial and disliked.

I simultaneously dislike my parents but need them because I have so little childcare support. Does anyone else have this situation? Obviously I realise I sound like an awful user…but not sure what I can do about it.

I dislike my parents and dislike spending time with them. They are overly clingy and demanding and a little emotionally manipulative with it. They’re emotionally immature and having any kind of real discussion with them is pointless, they simply can’t manage it. They’re both very self focused and have very little understanding of their impact on other people. They’re not bad people, they just lack the basic skills for being good parents. They have very few friends and not much contact with other family members, despite both having large families. So I assume a lot of other people can’t stand them either. It’s really hard to describe why I dislike them, because it’s lots of things that make up a pattern of selfishness and annoyingness.

I have limited my contact with them over the years. If I don’t limit contact then my mum would (and did at one point) text me 40+ times a day, call at all hours and just turn up at my home uninvited. I feel stressed if I see them too much, but have found a generally good balance of having enough contact with them but not too much so I feel angry and frustrated.

So I feel I’m in this trap where I heavily dislike my parents, would prefer to have less contact with them, but also rely on them for adhoc childcare to be able to work (I don’t ask them for overnights for or for nights out etc I just ask purely to work). When they help I also feel I have to then say yes to things like meeting them for lunch on my day off.

Yesterday they looked after my poorly DD for 2 hrs while I went to work before my DH could get home to have her. So now I feel I have to say yea now they invited me for dinner tomorrow. But I’ll hate being with them. I know it sounds awful. I actually can’t wait for my children to be older so they don’t need care so I don’t have to rely on them ever. I try to ask as little as I can.

The thing is, you are allowing your children to form good relationships with them so even when they’re older you may still have to deal with your parents. And it’s shitty for your kids to leave them with people who in your words, lack basic skills to be good parents. I’m not really sure what you want from this thread really.

It does sound awful.
You’re basically using your parents who you don’t like? Please find a good babysitter and leave them alone.

There's a lot of people that don't have grandparents help. Be one of those people. I went part time and changed my role to accommodate children. If you don't have the option, you find another way.

Why would you want them looking after them? I get it, I have 2 children myself and between nursery bugs and everything else it is so hard but me and DH have no one who can help to mind the children and manage fine. It’s hard but adding in parents who you dislike so much sounds like it will be harder for you.

Ah. I was reading that assuming you didn’t have a partner - ‘I need them for childcare’ etc. But you do. I and masses of other families have no family nearby, so it’s definitely doable?? Just stop using them for childcare?? I really wouldn’t want my kids around people like that if they’re really so awful.

Pay like everyone else then

They don’t really have a good relationship with them. It’s ok but they often get annoyed with them too. I honestly think once my kids are teens they won’t see my parents much.

Why would you leave your child with people who lack the basic skills to be good parents?!

Totally bonkers and I feel sorry for your kid.

Because they are capable of keeping children fed and safe for 2-3 hours. They aren’t any good at meeting children’s emotional needs as a parent or managing actual parenting. When they have the kids they don’t parent though, they fed them, keep them safe and supervise them while they watch V. They’re not down in our will as guardians and I wouldn’t ask them to look after the kids overnight

I don't think you can complain they're selfish when you admit to keeping a relationship up with them purely for childcare reasons. And expect them to drop everything to provide that childcare at the drop of a hat. That makes you sound pretty selfish to me.

Absolutely don't have a relationship with them if you don't want to, but then stop using them for childcare too. There are always other options. If it means unpaid days off when your kids are ill then so be it. Plenty of people have to manage because they literally have no family to help with childcare. Be like them.

There is no one to pay for ad hoc childcare cover when children are sick. Not in our area. There are full childminders, full time nannies, occasional teen baby sitters for the weekend. There aren’t people poised to look after kids with short notice in the week.

Yes I think this is what I need to do. Maybe just accept that I need to change jobs and take a financial hit to have a job I can more easily call in sick to.
yes I do think I’m being selfish when it comes to them. I’m not like it with anyone else but I feel utter contempt for them. I don’t keep a relationship purely for childcare reasons, but I do see them more than I would if I did not need their childcare.

You are not coming across as a very nice person in all of this. You are using them for your own benefit. The relationship is not reciprocal and sounds deeply unkind.
If they’re not good people then stop sending your kids to them. You really can’t have it all your own way. You want them to do you favours but are basically planning to dump them when it no longer suits you. Right at a point in their lives when they might potentially need some support and help.
Stop using them.

No that’s you or your husband unfortunately……

Miss work I suppose.

Im sure I do sound awful. It is an awful think. I need to just stop using them for childcare and go back to the once a month interaction with them. My desperation to behave childcare is leading me to be a horrible person.

Unfortunately it’s the usual “bash the OP”thread. For some people life is very black and white and straightforward. I notice they don’t talk about their own circumstances!!

I understand what you’re saying, having struggled in a similar fashion. I think them helping you on an ad hoc emergency basis is fair enough, even if you have to return the favour so to speak. But I would try and keep it limited as much as you can. There’s not much else you can do. Maybe try and develop some local contacts and relationships that also provide a port of call?

You aren’t an awful person, OP. Don’t let these nasty posters insult you. I’m reporting the one who called you that.

If they are like that, why would you want the children to be around them anyway.

Either sort your own childcare or make an effort with them. What were the plans before you had the children, or, did you presume you would have them then?

At the moment, you are being a hypocrite, no better than they are.

Also, please try and imagine yourself in 20 years time and your children saying that they feel
nothing but contempt for you.
Have they actually been abusive either emotionally or physically. Were they neglectful or cruel? Were they addicts or gamblers? Or are they just different people from you? Or potentially doing the best they can with the tools they were given by their own parents?

Oh get a grip. Her behaviour is awful. She is using them.

But the things being said are pretty awful. ‘Nothing but contempt’???
Using them because it suits her is pretty awful.

Unfortunately it’s the usual “bash the OP”thread. For some people life is very black and white and straightforward. I notice they don’t talk about their own circumstances

I'll talk about my own circumstances. My parents are dead....what would the op do for childcare if her parents died?

They didn’t help when the kids were very young. Childcare was easier when they weee Tiny as nurseries did school holidays and until late. I never left the kids with them when they were small because I didn’t think they could manage it and they didn’t offer and I didn’t ask.

I am a hypocrite in terms of being selfish. I can manage without them I just need to call In sick on more occasions and find some more holiday club options.

My parents are both dead and my in laws both still work full time, I'm estranged from siblings and DH has none, we both work full time in demanding jobs.

It's perfectly possible to be a parent with no childcare support, you don't need to continue to string along your parents and use them for childcare.