Needing people for childcare

[ProbsUnreasonable]

I’ve name changed for this as, probably understandably, it will be controversial and disliked.

I simultaneously dislike my parents but need them because I have so little childcare support. Does anyone else have this situation? Obviously I realise I sound like an awful user…but not sure what I can do about it.

I dislike my parents and dislike spending time with them. They are overly clingy and demanding and a little emotionally manipulative with it. They’re emotionally immature and having any kind of real discussion with them is pointless, they simply can’t manage it. They’re both very self focused and have very little understanding of their impact on other people. They’re not bad people, they just lack the basic skills for being good parents. They have very few friends and not much contact with other family members, despite both having large families. So I assume a lot of other people can’t stand them either. It’s really hard to describe why I dislike them, because it’s lots of things that make up a pattern of selfishness and annoyingness.

I have limited my contact with them over the years. If I don’t limit contact then my mum would (and did at one point) text me 40+ times a day, call at all hours and just turn up at my home uninvited. I feel stressed if I see them too much, but have found a generally good balance of having enough contact with them but not too much so I feel angry and frustrated.

So I feel I’m in this trap where I heavily dislike my parents, would prefer to have less contact with them, but also rely on them for adhoc childcare to be able to work (I don’t ask them for overnights for or for nights out etc I just ask purely to work). When they help I also feel I have to then say yes to things like meeting them for lunch on my day off.

Yesterday they looked after my poorly DD for 2 hrs while I went to work before my DH could get home to have her. So now I feel I have to say yea now they invited me for dinner tomorrow. But I’ll hate being with them. I know it sounds awful. I actually can’t wait for my children to be older so they don’t need care so I don’t have to rely on them ever. I try to ask as little as I can.

I think it’s awful to use them for childcare and then back right off when you no longer need them.

If DC is unwell, I use annual or (if I have no annual left), unpaid leave. It’s not ideal but it’s part of parenting. My parents are great but I wouldn’t ask them to care for my sick child. DH’s parents are NOT great and we don’t see them- I certainly wouldn’t leave my child with someone I couldn’t bear to be around myself?

There is an element of they did the best they could on the basis of their own parenting. Both from very large poor and fairly emotionally vacant families.

in childhood My mum was emotionally abusive and allowed someone around me who was a known risk. I wouldn’t actually let her watch the kids alone at all. It’s really my dad who watches the kids but she comes with him. She doesn’t and hasn’t ever done any care for the kids and I wouldn’t ask her to. So it’s my dad who does the childcare.

This has helpfully been the slap round the fact I needed. I will aim to manage without them from now on. I didn’t feel happy or comfortable with how things are, both in terms of my using my parents and also in terms of my parents using my need for childcare to get what they want from me, hence doing the post. I think it was desperation of wanting to manage work better.

My parents are involved and help out one day a week. DH and I have both got high stakes professional jobs, and if our kids are sick we still make it work between the two of us. We don’t ask for emergency childcare because if our children aren’t well they need a parent. You don’t actually need to rely on them for childcare.

If they are willing to babysit and they don’t mind, I don’t think it’s an issue.

I say this as someone that has had a very difficult relationship with my mum but my DD has a beautiful relationship with her and I have grown to appreciate her. I have had to teach her my boundaries as an adult child.

There is lots of hurt there but we’ve both come to a place where we are grown up. However I do enjoy spending time with the rest of my family, so when they do invite me for dinner etc I do have a good time but things with mum have always been awkward.

It’s also about how much it hurts you. I agree maybe you should try to resort to them as a last option but we only have one family and you never know what could come out of it (even if it feels uncomfortable now).

This, really.

We have three children (4, 6 and 8) and no help from grandparents. I'm estranged from my family and the in-laws live abroad. We both cut some hours at work and pay for the childcare we need outside of that. So do loads of people.

Obviously I don't like my parents - they aren't good enough for me to have in my own life, so I sure as shit don't want them looking after my children.

They’re more than willing. They often want to and stay long after I have got home. Oddly I think they like that I need them. It’s literally the only situation anyone does need them (I mean that factually not unkindly- no one else needs/wants their interaction at all).

Mine is mainly an issue with my mum too. Would be much simpler with just my dad, thought that’s not a brilliant relationship it isn’t as negative. It’s just them so when I go to their house there is no one else to see. My brother rarely sees them.

Appreciate what you have then

If they can’t meet a child’s emotional needs then don’t leave a sick child with them.

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. You need childcare and they must quite like having gc visits.

Better than cutting your nose off over it.

Oddly I saw them for dinner last night and actually enjoyed it. Reflecting on them today I almost feel like I dislike them more when I need them to help with childcare. I can’t quite explain why. They’re happy (more than happy to do it), but I hate needing them. I think ideally I wouldn’t need them for anything then I could just see them for a short coffee once a week. Aiming to stop asking for childcare as for whatever reason it doesn’t work and as others have pointed out it isn’t fair to feel that way and ask them for help.

If it's just emergencies take the time off yourself/oh just like people who don't have parents
It's not nice to be like this and use them. Not a good example for your kids....who may well treat you the same in the future.