Ever since I was a small child I've had this secret problem that I've been ashamed of - I get lost everywhere I go. I cannot remember directions even if I've been somewhere numerous times. To this day, as an adult, the only place I know my way around is basically a few streets (five minutes walk) around my childhood home where my parents still live.
I get lost in people's houses, in buildings, in offices, in doctors surgeries. As soon as I have gone through a door, once I leave I cannot find my way back again. In supermarkets, I can't remember which way I've come from once I reach the end of the aisles.
I'm lucky that google maps exist because everywhere I've lived I've needed to use them to go anywhere - even places I go regularly. When getting taxis to places I've lived for years I pretend to be new to the area to explain why I can't aid with directions even once we are almost at the destination.
For me, every time I turn a corner it's like being picked up, spun around and placed somewhere randomly because I suddenly have no idea where I am or where I've just come from. Sometimes I look behind me and don't recognise things I've passed. I try to remember routes. I try to pay attention. I try to remember. I try and memorise and look for landmarks and repeat them to myself. But it's like my brain does not absorb it at all.
To put it into perspective, I have lived in my current home for over a year and the only route I know is an L-shape down the street and turn right to one specific shop. I need google maps for anything else including the playground I go to regularly (5 minutes walk away) and the high street (about 7 minutes walk away). And yes I have tried without google maps and yes I have ended up lost and gone completely the wrong way with no idea where I am.
I've always felt that it's something similar to how people describe dyslexia but for directions instead of letters. It's like I cannot learn them. I have always been academically reasonably intelligent, have a degree and a job that requires high-level knowledge. My memory is otherwise fine.
I have some other physical issues. I've never enjoyed going for walks, especially while talking to people as I cannot concentrate on walking while they talk to me. Apparently most people don't have to concentrate on walking. If the ground is in anyway uneven (like a very slight slope) I have to really focus on where I am putting my feet.
I cannot drive. I've had probably 100 hours of learning (spread over a few instructors and over many years) and still could never stay in the correct position in the road. I kept veering off. I couldn't steer. Couldn't turn. I have no spatial awareness and cannot judge the speed of oncoming traffic or space between vehicles. I would also struggle to take notice of all the different things at once like hazards, road signs, checking mirrors etc. When I had to look in my mirror like at a roundabout I always felt like I couldn't take in the information quickly enough. I ended up giving up learning as I do not think I would ever be safe.
I am completely unable to read a map unless I can physically spin it around to orient it in the right direction with me which is why google maps works well.
I have always been terrible at all team sports or anything requiring physical coordination like skating or skiing. My fine motor skills are fine. I've always been able to tie my shoelaces and write (although my handwriting is a little messy but nothing extreme). I'm simply quite bad at a lot of things. I struggle to cut vegetables. I have grown up with video games and played them regularly but still cannot play games where I have to react quickly or steer or aim.
I was always so embarrassed growing up and had no idea what was wrong with me. I find ways to pretend and have little techniques I use to try to hide it but it takes a lot of energy.
When I was younger I used to dream of being a "scientist" and later specifically a psychologist so that I could do research and find out about it and give it a name. That didn't happen but I did later find out, as an adult, that my grandmother (who I only saw once or twice a year growing up) had exactly the same problem as me. I really wish I'd known and could have spoken with her about it. Once I found that out, I started to wonder if it's an actual real "thing" that has a genetic element to it. Googling found stories of people exactly like me who were describing exactly what I had always experienced but there didn't seem to be any label for it. Some people coined the term 'geographical dyslexia'.
I later came across someone online who had the same thing and explained it was a symptom of their dyspraxia. I did a lot of googling and do identify with a lot of the symptoms but the lack of sense of direction only seems to be mentioned sometimes and is not one of the main symptoms. I'm wondering if anyone else has the same and if they have dyspraxia / it is linked to dyspraxia.
To be clear, it is not the same as not knowing my left and right - although perhaps it does take me a second longer than most adults to think of it, but nothing major. It's that I have no sense of direction, no spatial awareness and am unable to memorise even basic routes even after doing them many times.
I have an ADHD diagnosis which I pursued for the sake of medication. I know no treatments exists for dyspraxia and that a lot of places won't do adult diagnosis but part of me would like to get assessed just so I know and also in case my children have the same thing.
While the symptoms are going to stay the same no matter what, I would really like there to be a label that explains it. There are adjustments that would help me at work but I am simply too embarrassed to try and explain as is because I worry people would assume I'm just stupid. What triggered this is that my grandmother passed away recently. We weren't very close or anything but it made me think about the "shameful" secret we shared and if I will ever find an answer.