Is it ever a good idea to contact a long lost ex?

[cybele]

I recently discovered that my boyfriend from the distant past works at the same (huge) organisation as me. It’s a bit of an odd coincidence as it’s not near anywhere either of us lived previously.

He’d have no idea I work there as I changed my name when I got married. We’re at different sites working in different fields so it’s highly unlikely we’d bump into each other.

We were together from age 18 to 21, more off than on. It was quite tempestuous and ultimately didn’t end well. We haven’t spoken since- now late 40’s 😆

I would love to find out what he’s like now. Would it be a really terrible idea to message him? My fingers have been itching since I found out!

Yes, step away from your phone.

I think there's no harm in a carefully worded very non-flirtatious message just saying hi, pointing out the coincidence and asking him how he is?

I think a ton of time has passed so it's probably ok?!

Yeah, what's the harm? Assuming you're not looking to get with him again!

I recently met an ex from when I was a teenager at a mutual friend's funeral and it was really nice to catch up. Absolutely no bad blood on either side.

Why would you? Don't do it.

Is it appropriate use of the internal work messaging system?? I’m not on Facebook or anything, I’d have no other way of contacting him.

Why would you?

Are you still married? If so, then definitely don’t do it. If not, then there’s no harm in contacting him but don’t take it any further than that if you find out that he is in a relationship.

It’s just curiosity really. I wish I hadn’t found out!!

I’m married and so is he (I got my friend to do some light online stalking)

You’ve gone to a bit of effort already to suss out the situation if you’ve asked a friend to do a bit of online stalking. 🧐
I’d leave it alone, not least because using your internal comms system to contact him is a bit dodge.

I think you’re right @PossumintheHouse It seems a bit wrong. Also I couldn’t block him if it went badly!

Don't do it. What could you possibly get out of it? You haven't seen him for twenty years so it's not like he's been important in your life at all.

I'd be asking yourself why you're interested in him at all, to the extent that you're considering getting in touch. And how you would feel if your husband did the same thing...

Disclaimer - if you are no longer married, that's different and you might as well! 🤣

No then, don’t do it. Are you looking for trouble?

In my experience it was very helpful contacting an ex I’d been pining over for years. He turned up on LinkedIn - I sent him a neutral message and he responded with absolute psychotic ramblings. He’d become psychotic from all the drugs he’d taken and sent me the most bizarre and paranoid message. So sad that he ended up in that state but was great in the it allowed me to move on and stop thinking about him. Appreciate those are niche circumstances but certainly helped me!

He was trouble, back in the day! All the more reason to sit on my hands

No its wrong to use work to communicate with him and I think it's suspiscious like you want an affair to chase him this much. You sound bored at work and in your marriage 🤣

Sounds like he's still a maybe.

Not really bored but I do have a tendency towards self sabotage. Not proud of it!

He has been quite important in my life, in that the relationship was pretty formative. I’ve thought about him a lot over the years. I haven’t told DH because he’s got other stressful stuff going on at the mo and I think he’d be rattled. If it was the other way round I’d be unhappy about it

no, no, and no! it's ok to do the odd google search after a few on a Friday night, but sober?
No, you are married and nothing good will come of it.
You were off more than on...for a reason!!

I personally would leave it alone op. If it ended badly and didn't go well while you were in it then I don't think there's really anything positive that's going to come from opening that door to be honest. Plus if you like your job and things got awkward then you might put yourself in a position where you'd need to leave.

You've answered your own question. Definitely don't.

Thank you for the stern talking to! That’s what I needed. There are more potentially serious cons than pros. can see why it helped you @DappledOliveGroves but using LinkedIn would be a safer way to have that contact then move on.

If you would be unhappy if your DH did contact a lo g ago ex, then don't.

Are you self sabotaging again? 🙈