Is it ever a good idea to contact a long lost ex?

[cybele]

I recently discovered that my boyfriend from the distant past works at the same (huge) organisation as me. It’s a bit of an odd coincidence as it’s not near anywhere either of us lived previously.

He’d have no idea I work there as I changed my name when I got married. We’re at different sites working in different fields so it’s highly unlikely we’d bump into each other.

We were together from age 18 to 21, more off than on. It was quite tempestuous and ultimately didn’t end well. We haven’t spoken since- now late 40’s 😆

I would love to find out what he’s like now. Would it be a really terrible idea to message him? My fingers have been itching since I found out!

@WmFnKdSg1234 Desperately trying not to!

If I found out that DH had contacted an ex without telling me I’d be upset. And because I don’t feel I can tell him about this makes me think it would be unwise

You know you shouldn't. So don't.

Do not do it!

Trust me.

It's a slippery slope... and you know it!

@Zonder Yep - I just need to keep telling myself this. I can see him on my list of potential contacts now - all the time!! Maybe I need a new job

I should note me and my ex worked for the same
Organisation years ago. It was horrible so I completely understand as we where also off and on.

This is a terrible idea!!

Just to add another slant to the "it's a terrible idea" posts...

I know it's an ex, so a bit different, but would everyone be saying "don't go there" if it was an old friend from the past?

I'd be curious too if an old uni mate or a long ex-boyfriend turned up at my place of work.

I'm not getting any sense from the OP that she wants to rekindle anything.

I think literally a "Hi! What a coincidence" message is fine...

Nope, no good can come it. I say that with experience, half jokingly.

Me and an ex got in touch again, and like others have said, it's a slippery slope. It resulted in a very messy affair.

OP, I’m in my mid 50’s now, happily single. I’m friends with half of my exes, I talk with them on the phone, meet them for a drink every now and then etc.. Some of them have wives/GF some not, I can’t care less, we’re just friends (partners don’t seem to care either). It’s good to be in touch with the nice exes but you want to avoid the bad exes (those can burn in hell).

I would say message the guy to say “hi” and let him know you guys are working in the same company. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I’ve contacted all my exes and the last thing in my head was rekindling anything. I would never do that, have zero interest. Nil. Cero. Most of them haven’t aged very well anyway and I fancy none of them, but nothing wrong with having them as friends/aquintances if the relationship ended in good terms and there’s no temptation of any affair whatsoever. Why not?

I'm not saying everybody will, depends on the circumstances of the breakup and the relationship itself but for some, it's not a good idea to relive the past.

It’s a good point. I hadn’t really thought about how he’d feel if I contacted him out of the blue. The relationship wasn’t a particularly healthy one. There are bits I would rather forget, and he probably feels the same.

I wasn’t doing any deliberate digging though! I only asked my friend to find out if it was definitely him - it could have been someone with the same name

An ex of mine from teens got in contact twenty years later…it was nice as by then I’d sadly lost my parents and was not in contact with anyone who had known me when young. We met up and it was nice, no animosity on either side and just a deep but definitely platonic friendship. Sadly, four years later he died horribly - I’m glad we got that time in each other’s lives and I was able to know his parents again and support them. Nowadays, I say he was my best friend not just that he was an ex. My children got to meet him, only person from my previous life they ever could, and he apologised for the hurt he caused me way back when. I’m glad he was brave enough to contact me.

Yo have no idea how he will feel until you contact him. He might be happy or he might be repulsed, god knows. The only way of finding out is by contacting him. Consider a best case scenario, a worst one and something in between. What's the worst case scenario? He thinks you're a creep and blocks you?He bad mouths you to your colleagues? If you don't care then go for it ( If he does that it would say more about him than anything).

I’m not friends with any of my exes but there aren’t many. I’ve been with DH for a long time!

When I was with this guy we were constantly splitting up and completely unable to be “just friends”, so it might be a bit much to expect that we would get on great as friends now.

It sounds like you guys had a toxic dynamic so I would tread very careful sending this one a message.