Feel so guilty when my parents help me out

[Shoppup]

I’ve always felt this way to an extent, I guess I’m just very aware of the value of things: both monetary and time wise.

My parents have both worked all my life and looking back as an adult expecting my own first baby I can see that it probably wasn’t always easy for them to do this.

I was shopping with my mum earlier, we like to potter round the supermarkets together and catch up, sometimes having something to drink in the cafe. We were looking at pyjamas and she asked me if I liked a pair. Thinking she meant for her, I said they were nice. Only realised when we got back to the car that she’d bought them for me and also a little neutral sleepsuit.

I thanked her, she said she didn’t want thanking and kept changing the subject saying ‘it’s for my grandbaby, anyway, you can’t stop me!’

I am thinking about her kindness and I feel so guilty, even though she absolutely wouldn’t want me to feel this way! She’d be laughing if I told her how bad I felt but I just do, I know how much the cost of living crisis is affecting us all whether people admit to it or not.

I know I’ll want to spoil my baby when they’re here (even when they’re my age now) but it doesn’t make me feel any better in the short term.

I think pregnancy hormones have sent me doo-lally!

I know exactly how you feel as my parents are the exact same. They're either always helping me out with childcare, picking things up for me I've mentioned in conversations or spoiling my little boy and a lot of the time, as grateful as I am, I do feel really guilty.

But please know that by spoiling their baby (and her baby!), they're happy. If they couldn't afford to do so, they wouldn't.

I know it's easy to get wrapped up in all the baby planning and making sure bubs has everything they need, but they're doing the exact same for theirs 🥰

Guilt is a wasted emotion.
I do this with my kid all the time and I love it!

We do this for our daughters and granddaughter. My parents did the same for me. I’m lucky to be able to help financially and I know they appreciate it. I get the you don’t have to, but I reply I want to. It gives me great pleasure to treat them . I am careful not to overdo it though.

Don't feel guilty.

If they are anything like me they love helping you out.

Don't worry! It sounds like buying things for you (and grandchild) gives her pleasure.

When I visit my dm she's very generous. As the children have got older they learnt that saying "oh that's lovely. Or I like that!" in the shops, they'll find themselves with one or more! As they've got older still, they are now careful how they express they like things because they understand how this works.

It's partially because we don't see her too often (we live 300 miles apart) and partially that when we were little we didn't have money so "I like that" would very rarely have materialised into having it.

I know it gives her lots of pleasure to be able to treat us. Occasionally I just say to her that she's got us enough, and I remind the dc when they're going out to remember this. But if I said don't buy things at all, she'd be hurt.

Don't feel guilty. It's making her happy being your mum and doing things for you!

If she didn't want to spend it she wouldn't have. Enjoy the treat and let your mum do what she enjoys. I like buying DD things I think she'll like and I can't see that changing as she moves into adulthood. I guess it's those love language things, I get genuine joy from buying gifts others enjoy.

My dad used to always say ‘someday we won’t be able to help you!’ As a parent of a teen now it’s so satisfying buying someone something they love!!!

This has me crying, I lost my parents a couple of years ago and my Mama would do the same and if I said anything she would go ‘well it’s an early/late birthday/Christmas present.’ We used to love pottering about the shops together.

Dont feel guilty, just do something special for her when you can.

If your not asking and there giving them I don't get it. My parents love getting things for the grandchildren and I appreciate it, but I never ask for anything and this the giving makes it nice because there getting pleasure from it

I used to buy things for the family and make things for the grandchildren. I’d take the grandchildren out and let them choose birthday gifts or a ‘just because’ gift. Now they’re grown and their parents have far more money than we do. We’ll take food at Christmas and help out that way.

Don't feel guilty. Your parents bought things for you when you were small and although you’re grown, you’re still their child and they still want to care for you. You’ll do the same for your baby and your mum will have another generation to spoil.

If she’s happy to buy things for you and your baby then that’s her choice and is a very kind thing to do.

I’ve experienced the opposite whereby parents and PIL bought us nothing because despite being wealthy themselves they felt we earned enough to fund things ourselves.

It ruined much of our wider family relationships not because of the financial implications which were irrelevant, but because it showed a distinct lack of kind thought and was wildly at odds with how our siblings and their children were treated.

I do this with my DC and DGC and it gives me so much pleasure. They often tell me I should spend the money on myself but I honestly don't need anything and I love to see them enjoying little treats.

Don’t feel guilty I have adult children and I love buying things for them.
Ive turned into my grandma who always used to say she enjoyed giving more than receiving. As a teenager I thought that was weird, but now I know exactly what she means.

In the future, your mum will probably need help from you at some point. Pay her back with kindness then.

Your parents sound absolutely lovely, and so do you.

I'm sure your parents are loving the anticipation of being grandparents and really enjoying this sort of thing. If you're genuinely worried they are putting themselves out of pocket, can you afford to buy them something practical in return?

My MIL goes above and beyond for me and my kids. The guilt is sometimes very hard.

My MIL promises me that she does only what she is willing and able to and one day I might end up wiping her bum. She says that in jest but It would be an honour to one day do that - I'd do anything for her and would look after her in a heartbeat if she needed me to.

I lost my lovely mum 4 years ago and she was another source of support and comfort in my life but I never got to pay her back. I felt like she never stopped giving to us [adult] kids until the day she died but again she only ever gave what she was willing and able to.

I guess it's good modelling. I see how to be a good mother / MIL to adult children and how to be a good grandma too.

It gives me so much pleasure to treat my kids to things. In a way it's quite selfish of me, because sometimes I think they feel awkward like you do!

But I'm also aware that the general economic situation is much worse for their generation than it was for us at that age. I look at the housing market and the cost of living crisis and the automation of so many jobs, and I think the odds are skewed against that generation; they're at a massive disadvantage through no fault of their own. So I think the least our generation can do is help them out when we can.

In my early 30s, going through a hard time and living alone, I found myself unexpectedly receiving money transfers, supermarket vouchers and Amazon packages with random items like slippers. I returned the money at the beginning, but my mum sent a long msg pleading me to accept and how it hurt her feelings and even offended her. I think it's just what parents do, you'd do the same for your kids.

Your DM loves you!
Don't feel guilty, accept all gifts with the same love that they're given with.
My dd is 35 and I'm always treating her, I love to treat her, things were tough financially when she was younger so now I have some spare cash I like to spend it on her.
We went out shopping at the weekend, she bought the coffee and went home with several bags of treasure courtesy of her old mum.
It makes me and her happy.
Any extras I get, I share the love, inheritance, cashed in an old pension etc DD gets a share.
She's now pregnant, that baby is going to be spoiled 😁
Btw, DD is married, works hard and deserves everything she gets

Snap.

Helping our children is a labour of love.

Make the most of having parents. Mine have long gone.

No need to feel guilty!

When DP lost his job, we were in dire straits - tight on money, living in a small cramped house, and finding out we were unexpectedly pregnant. Despite DP's dad being a wealthy mogul with plenty of properties, he didn't offer us any financial aid or a place to stay. It was my parents who 'get by' that supported us. Thank God we've almost paid them back now. I can't imagine not giving our children small treats every now and then to bring joy to their lives. And of course, providing them with necessary big-ticket items when they truly need them. It's what we are supposed to do! Duty and Love!! :●)

Please don’t feel guilty OP, it’s one of life’s greatest pleasures being able to help adult children & grandchildren albeit with time, material things, support & love & Dc knowing they can count on us, when mine were young we had very little, as life has got a bit easier we are now able to help out in lots of ways I have my granddaughter’s regularly, I buy majority of there clothes pay nursery fees but my goodness the bond & sheer love & affection we receive is totally priceless, my DC’s enjoy spending time with us I’m also very lucky they live very near us, we all have such a lovely relationship & they really do appreciate us they work hard but life is tough & would never stand back from helping if it’s within my power.
enjoy the love & support.

From your title I thought you were going to talk about borrowing large sums of money! Your Mum wasn't helping you out, she offered to treat you. That's completely different, she got pleasure form buying you some unexpected gifts.