Husband being a twat

[Orchid09]

Does anyone else’s husband act like a total twat for no reason? My husband just leapt up from the sofa ten mins into an Netflix series exclaiming “this is shit - I’m going to bed” and flounced out the room 😳 I paused the film and said okay, what you meant to say was this is definitely a film I need to watch in my own shall WE go to bed? He laughed and apologised. We go to the bedroom and he starts edging his way in some moronic zombie move to my cat, who he hates and she is scared of him, watching me all the time as I’m watching him in my dressing table mirror? I said WTF are you doing as you know that’s going to freak her out and it’s also annoying me? He then laughed again and came over and tickled me, when I hate to be tickled and as we had been together over 20 years he knows this 🤬 I told him to stop it and he said “oh I’ll just sleep on the sofa then shall I” and I said “do what you want just stop winding me up! It’s bedtime and I’m tired “ Unbelievably he goes to sleep in the sofa. I gave it ten mins then asked him what he was doing and to come to bed, and he says “you’re being a c*nt” I am horrified and so upset by this awful comment it takes all my strength not to overreact. I tell him that’s a disgusting thing to say and he explains he’d not calling me it but he thinks I’m being it. I explain his crazy behaviour is too much for me and he needs to come to bed and stop being an idiot.

im so pissed off with this whole effimg scenario I’m too angry to sleep.

Do you think this is controlling behaviour trying to get a reaction out of me and he’s being a little psycho? Because it’s totally fucked me off.

Maybe you haven't been on the receiving end of verbal abuse like this. Or maybe you think it's normal to call you your partner a cunt. But it's really not OK

Why is your cat scared of him? Says it all.

This.

But why are you calling him controlling when you’re policing what he says (“what you meant to say”), dictating mutual bedtimes, following him to the sofa and insisting he comes to bed.

The tickling when you don’t like it, and the word cunt, both unacceptable. Zombie cat moves, eh, everyone’s annoying. Everything else: stop controlling him. Poor bastard wants to not watch a shit film, and go to sleep when and where he wants.

I think you both need to get hobbies. This is way too much drama about someone. It wanting to watch something on TV and annoying a cat.

That's a very good question.

Does he do this kind of thing a lot?

I agree with others that it's strange you need to go to bed together.

I'm wondering, was he feeling resentful about watching the film? To me, it sounds like he was acting passive aggressively, as though it's your fault the film was shit and then trying to keep digging until you reacted.

It's immature of him and he needs to not be calling you names. I'd never accept that of my partner. We've been together nearly 20 years and we know that's a line not to cross.

Basically, poor communication between you both, with, I suspect, either some resentment or nastiness from him.

He sounds very immature and can't speak and say what he means without insulting you. You need to sit down and talk and work out what's really going on here.

The film i would have said night and continued watching. But he winding up the cat and tickling is passive aggressive bullying. It sounds like he was goading you to caus a reaction either he's attention seeking or he wanted a row. His name calling and dismissive behaviour is unacceptable

Why is he horrible to the cat .Why have you allowed this behaviour to continue to the point it's scared of him .
Sort this out

He wanted to go to bed alone, when you went with him he engineered a situation where he could flounce to the sofa alone. He wanted to be on his own.

I would say either 1) misguidedly trying to lighten the mood by going into play mode, then feeling rejected when you were tired and wouldn't meet him there and lashing out or 2) provoking you into a reaction.

Either way, worth maybe discussing when calm that 1) swearing AT a loved one isn't acceptable (in our house it's okay to say "god the traffic was a fucking nightmare" "this situation is shit isn't it?" But not "fuck you" or "you are shit") 2) what was going on for you there, what did you think was happening in the interaction? Because we seem to have got each other wrong. We use "the story I'm telling myself is" or "I thought X was happening, was that what was happening on your end?"

All this fuss about nothing sounds ridiculous - both parties!

Has he always been a pillock - not least for your harassing your cat.

Personally I'd be telling him he's on a warning for calling me a c*not. Nowhere is that something you call your spouse/partner.

Your husband is absolutely dreadful. What on earth are you doing with an abusive man like this?

Well he has poor communication skills. I'd guess there are some resentments going on for him. But he has no idea how to communicate them. Probably feels as if he doesn't get his needs Met yet has no healthy boundaries in place or can communicate them. I imagine he might meet his needs then in unhealthy ways.

Perhaps space is what he is after but is going about it all wrong. It's perfectly fine to go to bed at different times or want to watch different films but we talk to our partners and hear their feelings/acknowledge them.

Does he do this a lot? He sounds like he would do or say anything to wind you up aiming to get away from you and make space between you. Then making you the bad guy. Sometimes people do this to feel justified in behavior they want to part take in or hide. Like gambling, porn cheating etc

He definitely needs some therapy for himself and then couples therapy would be good idea for you both.

If this is a regular occurrence I'd suggest next time observing him. Let him go to bed alone. Don't chase or pursue him. But be observing what he does next. If he is capable of healthy communication then I'd raise with him your feelings.
Does he apologise for calling you a cunt? Or if you raised this again and how it made you feel would you be the bad guy again for bringing it up/having feelings/not being over it?

Sometimes people create arguments because they want connection (very unhealthy) but it can be a learned toxic cycle fight then make up = connection.

Lots to have a think about op. But it's not normal or healthy if he isn't putting changes in place to stop this behaviour.

The cat can't be that scared of him if it was asleep in bed with him.

I think this is a six of one half a dozen of the other situation to be honest.

Apologise to each other this morning, work on your communication styles.

Thank you all so much for your advice. It has really helped me. Lots to think about there and address. Really appreciate everyone’s comments.

Honestly it sounds like he wanted to get away for some time to himself so when you went to bed too he instigated an argument so he could sleep on the sofa.
my ex would do similar and it was so he could chat to the OW.

If someone fucked with my cat it’d be the last thing they ever do.

Does he usually choose the tv? DH is moping slightly because I’ve found something I want to watch, which is unusual. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. I usually just tolerate whatever he has on. Now it’s his turn.

Yes, how awfully abusive. Announcing he didn’t like the film and taking himself off to bed. Which apparently isn’t allowed. He’s only allowed to go to bed when the op wants to go to bed, and he doesn’t have permission to go on his own. And the op turns the film off, follows him, tells him off and treats him like a 4yo by ‘correcting’ what he should have said to her. He reacts by being childish and annoying to try and get her away from him. Tells her he wants to sleep on the couch, to which she responds ‘do what you want’, but when he does she follows him and continues to berate him. Over fucking what? If the sexes were reversed and it was a woman getting chased around the house being told off by her controlling husband, you’d get more than a few people on here asking if she felt safe and advising her to phone the police!

If this was a woman being followed around the house by her husband because she’s not allowed to leave the room within him, I’d be giving her the numbers for woman’s aid. I recommend you seek urgent therapy op, if you’re incapable of sitting and watching the telly without your partner, going to bed at a different time to your partner, or sleep in separate rooms but in the same house as your partner. He’s feeling suffocated af and you sound controlling and nasty

😳 I paused the film and said okay, what you meant to say was this is definitely a film I need to watch in my own shall WE go to bed?

Is that honestly how you speak to him? Like a little child who’s accidentally said ‘what’ instead of ‘pardon’? Except he didn’t actually say anything wrong at all. I’d have called you a cunt too

At least he's grown up enough to go to bed all by himself. I can't imagine being in a relationship where me deciding I don't want to watch something my husband is watching and heading off to bed would be worth any comment other than, "Good night."

Reading your summary made my blood pressure go up. Imagine living under that regime.