Colleague who has to 'win' every conversation

[crochetmonkey74]

I just want a bit of a moan really. I've got a nice enough colleague- because of our work pattern I spend about 25 minutes every day with her and 2 others. Whenever we try to have a conversation even about the most mundane of things, she has to 'win' it and shut it down. Today's example was my nice colleague had been swimming at the weekend and was jokingly saying how she had made the mistake of trying to wriggle into leggings afterwards. the three of us were laughing along and saying oh yeah, that's a nightmare. This woman had to say " no, I wear leggings every time I go swimming, never have a problem"
Whatever we talk about is like this - whatever anyone says they are wrong and she never has an issue with whatever we are talking about. We are often talking about the most normal and relatable things- things that are fairly universal and yet she has to be so contrary. GGRRRR

Cut her some slack, she may be neurodivergent and find the nuances of conversation tricky and be quite literal and matter of fact.

She sounds like an Elevenerifer. If you've been to Tenerife...

I'm not horrible to her of course- it's just wearing as it stops every conversation in its tracks.
The other 2 in my little team find it really irritating I think - they are not snarky but they do sometimes snipe back a little

Or she could just be a sort of contrary one-upper type.

Not quite the same thing as Topper in the Dilbert cartoons but perhaps not dissimilar.

It's a bit like this but she makes it so you've always got to be wrong
Last week I said I don't like instant gravy as I always find it too salty even the low salt ones and a family member can't have it as they have to watch their salt intake (see I told you it was hardly fascinating conversation) She said it wasn't salty and she has to watch her salt and its all fine and not salty

Yep, an Elevenerifer and someone who has to monopolise the conversation.

It makes it hard to get a flow going as it's 3 of us trying to have small talk and bond as a little team- and one who just shuts down each attempt. She is a bit of a martyr- so enjoys telling you she walks a long way to work each day etc Even this is hard as it goes like this
"I was up early as I have to leave the house at 6.30 to get here on time as it's a 75 minute walk for me every day" (said whilst looking tired and pained)
Me: oh thats annoying, it was cold and damp this morning too poor you
Her: No it wasn't and I like it anyway - I'm used to it

I'd say, 'You win!' every single time then turn round and speak to the other colleague or go back to work.

Yes she's annoying, but just let her 🤷🏼‍♀️ say something like 'ok' (in a civilised way) when she replies with this stuff, and carry on with your chat.

If you enter the conversation expecting her to Elevenerife everything, then it affects you less.
Remind yourself that it's just 25 mins of your day.

There are people like that, prickly. We have a person who tries to say you are wrong and tries to start a fight. Eg we would talk about health insurance and she would say it is a waste of money, indirectly telling us we are wasting money. Yet she goes on lots of city breaks abroad.

If i say e.g. something in the news and get facts slightly wrong, she will take great delight in correcting me and will try to bring out that I am telling lies.

With people like that it is so hard as you have to watch what you say, and it is easier not to say anything.

Gold star sticker sheet. That's what you need.

Leave a pause, saying ‘Thank you for that contribution, Brenda’, and return to the conversation as it was before her stellar input about leggings or gravy.

You say she acts like a martyr because she talks about her long walk to work then you admit you complain about not being able to hack gravy because it's too salty.

When you talk about gravy being too much to cope with would you rather her agree or not say anything?

Employ stock phrases like "Well, everyone is different I guess!".

One good tactic is to remember what they have said and quote it back to them; I.e. next time she comes in cold and tired from a long walk and grumbles about it, say (entirely sincerely) "I guess it's a good thing you like walking then, like you said last week, because I'd find that pretty miserable myself". This will pull the rug out from under her a bit, as her instinct will be to contradict you, but she did in fact say that and is therefore stuck.

I may have discovered this by accident as an autistic person making what I thought was friendly conversation, and also proving I had listened last time... 😂 I think I have probably alienated a few people by accident but others did change their approach a bit afterwards.

Is it possible she finds your conversation inane and is consciously trying to shut it down?

Certain people have difficulty engaging in conversations or expressing themselves conversationally. Especially if they are neurodivergent. Could be that, could be something else.

You mention your irritated colleagues "swiping back" at her, how does she respond to this?

Can't you just have a conversation with the others and not include her unless it's work related. She would make me want to scream. Don't know how you stand it op.
Re.the gravy conversation..when she says it's not salty .I would say ' well I find it is.
If it were me in your office I'd probably get the sack for telling her to fuck off

Very rude of her if so. Most work conversation is pretty inane isn't it? If I could shut down everyone I find dull the world would be a pretty silent place. But the world does not centre round me.

My one colleague is right on the verge of doing this I think

No it was just an example to show that even when it's a personal opinion she tries to win

She sounds like the sort of person who'd argue if you said the sky is blue.

Just let her have her moment

Thing is it stops every attempt at conversation. You can't ever get anything going

Why do you think she does it - a little power trip in her potentially boring life, or just doesn’t understand how to get along with others?

Feckin hell, first response and it's she could be ND!!
Are posters on here even aware some people are just utter assholes?
Not all poor behaviour needs excused.