Colleague who has to 'win' every conversation

[crochetmonkey74]

I just want a bit of a moan really. I've got a nice enough colleague- because of our work pattern I spend about 25 minutes every day with her and 2 others. Whenever we try to have a conversation even about the most mundane of things, she has to 'win' it and shut it down. Today's example was my nice colleague had been swimming at the weekend and was jokingly saying how she had made the mistake of trying to wriggle into leggings afterwards. the three of us were laughing along and saying oh yeah, that's a nightmare. This woman had to say " no, I wear leggings every time I go swimming, never have a problem"
Whatever we talk about is like this - whatever anyone says they are wrong and she never has an issue with whatever we are talking about. We are often talking about the most normal and relatable things- things that are fairly universal and yet she has to be so contrary. GGRRRR

A lot of social bonding is about allowing yourself to be seen as slightly vulnerable and having your feelings or experiences validated by others who are similarly prepared to divest themselves of their armour of invincibility. Your colleague does not seem to understand the rules but still wants to join in. Somehow you have to alert her to the fact that the game of social bonding is 'won' not by straightforward winning but by being more open about shared struggles and falling short of perfection. Maybe you need to praise the other colleague who is getting it 'right' for being relatable and honest - and hope the competitive colleague takes the hint.

This strikes to the nub of the issue.

I suspect ND too so she hasn’t a clue what she is doing but equally she perhaps feels the emotions around the behaviour (that could go either way as some people who are ND are acutely aware or others emotions while others are less aware than typical).

It is difficult to deal with and sad for the other person because they end up feeling bullied from the negative responses they get to their behaviour as people feel more and more frustrated by it.

Ha ha. Love this bluntness - yeah, you're just a big old Boring Bertha @crochetmonkey74

I know exactly what you mean, OP. Small talk is an art; not everyone has to be a Monet but at least get out the finger paints and have a go!

I would have a throwaway comment in response, that also moves the conversation on. Things like "It's lucky we all have choices isn't it?" or "Oh, that's good news for you".

Is anyone more friendly with her than anyone else, OP? If so then at some point when there are just 2 people around (i.e her and friendly person) and she inevitably does this, it might be kind to say 'Jane I get that you don't find it a problem, but I do. It feels a bit like you're telling me I'm wrong to have a problem whenever it's one you don't personally have. Different people have different issues.'

This might just make her incredibly defensive, so tread with caution.

Or she’s really annoying.

EDIT: or ND and annoying. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Her name isn't Sarah is it 😂 sounds just like somebody that I work with!!!

She sounds like a Mumsnetter 😂

Every time she does it, say “oh really” in a dull, bored voice, pause for a second and then carry on talking. If she doesn’t get more of a response than that, she’ll feel less of a need to do it.

She could just stop being the conversation monitor and go away if she doesn't enjoy what the others are talking about.

I'd have thought 'oh really' then a tinkly laugh 🤣🤣

Don't let it stop your conversation just go right back to where you were with the colleagues and continue

'Ooo trying to pull leggings in to wet skin is so hard'
'Yeah it's impossible!'
'No it's not. I do it all the time. It's easy'
'I even find when I try to towel off really thoroughly they still stick!'

Just continue directing your comments to the others.

"Good for you."

Then continue your conversation with the others.

This could work. I'll try this

I know someone just like this.

So tempting to shout "so what the fck do you want me say then???!"

She often does it with criticisms of her DP.

"Omg I'm getting so fed up of Bob. I had a really busy day then made tea, then did the washing up, then got the kids to bed, then prepped lunches....he just sat there watching football! I'm so angry!"

"Oh yeah, that doesn't seem fair"

"Well, to be fair, he walked the dog and he had a really busy day at work"

Yes! I find it hard to know what she wants you to say. She wants validation for the walking and her busy life "oh Jane you're so good, you do so much exercise and you're always so busy" and I do give her that