I just don't want to bloody go !

[forknifespoon]

I have been invited to an event with friends. I have been to this event before. I have an anxiety disorder, made worse by the set up of the event I have been invited to. None of my friends know about my severe anxiety issues. And I don't want them to know either.

I've said I cannot go to the event due to childcare issues. One of the friends is bending over backwards to accommodate my childcare issues. I've told her thank you for offering to help, but that the help she has suggested/offered will only be in place 40 minutes before the event starts. Leaving me 40 minutes to get changed and get to the event. I have said this is too rushed for me. By the time I get there, parking could be difficult, I would have missed the dinner part and 1 other part of the event, although no the main part.

This is a low key event, nothing fancy or special. I don't understand why my friend cannot just accept that I cannot go. I originally didn't just say 'no' to going or that I simply didn't fancy it, as I knew my friend would not accept these as excuses/reasons not to go and would mention that I have been before and enjoyed it (which she did, and yes I went before but I had severe anxiety, I just never showed it at the time. I was mentally exhausted by the end of it).

Why can't some people just take no as an answer ?

Because she thinks you'd like to go and she's trying to be helpful. Just say you're not feeling up to it!

Because you're not being honest with her. So to her she's come up with a solution that you're not willing to take.

I'm sorry but the issue here isn't your friend.

You made an excuse and she is trying to help. She is being a good friend as she thinks you want to go.

you simply need to be honest with them.

If she's a genuine friend, I'm sure she would be understanding if you told her the real reason.
Why do you feel that you don't want to tell her?

Maybe it's time to be more honest and say you've recently realised you're quite the introvert and look forward to meeting up another time but things are getting on top of you a bit. Not understanding your anger at friend who is trying to help.

Why can't some people just take no as an answer ? Perhaps she would have if that's actually what you said. Tell her you aren't interested and found the last one tiring and she'll stop trying to help.

She can’t take no as an answer because the answer wasn’t no. Your answer was that you couldn’t go due to childcare issues. She is trying to sort those issues for you, so you can go.

You’ve lied about why you can’t go and your friend enjoys your company and thinks you’d enjoy the event, so she’s only trying to help. You could try being honest with your friend - I’m sure she’d understand.

Saying that you can’t go because of childcare issues means that you would go if you didn’t have childcare issues so isn’t a no. She is being a good friend trying to come up with solutions to the childcare issue.

You need to be totally honest with your friends. If you can't be honest with them,who can you be honest with? And she sounds like a lovely friend that's trying to help you.

Just say to her, it's just not my thing to spend money on, too full on, although I love being with you all.

Yes, you need to be honest, she is bending over backwards to try and help you to go because you have made it sounds as though you'd want to if it weren't for the childcare. It probably hasn't even crossed her mind that actually you just don't want to go because she's really looking forward to it herself and assumes you would be too as she doesn't know about the anxiety. Just say things are getting on top of you at the moment and you don't feel up to it.

You haven't said no, you've said you can't because of X. So they've tried to fix X because it sounds like you want to go bar X.

If you tell her you don't want to go, she will stop trying to help you go. Just be honest - you don't have to tell them about your anxiety, just say "I went before and didn't enjoy it".

She can't take no for an answer because you didn't actually say no. You made an excuse that she's trying to find a solution for as she probably thinks you'd actually like to go.

You need to be honest with her or at least more firm "not this time, hope you have a great evening etc."

What they said.

This is on you, for not being direct about your reasons for not attending. Your friend isn’t psychic.

And you really think a good friend will have no idea about the anxiety? 🤔
Maybe it's time to discuss it
Because the only way to fix anxiety is to face up to things. And a good friend could help with that. Or are you not ready for that yet?

Because you are lying your friend is trying to help you work through what she thinks the issues are.

This isn't on her, you at least need to be clear you don't want to go, you don't have to share your anxiety but you need say you don't want to go.

"Friend, I really appreciate all you have done in trying to find solutions to help me with this event. It's so kind of you. Unfortunately, the solution you suggested doesn't work for me timewise and I would be so anxious in advance about timing that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. So I have decided I will not be coming to the event. I hope that you all have a lovely time and that we can meet soon for coffee. Thank you again.

The thing about making excuses means that people will attempt to help you find a way to overcome them. They think they’re being helpful, they don’t realise you’re lying and just don’t want to go. It ends up in them feeling frustrated you won’t allow them to help and you feeling frustrated they’re not psychic. Much easier to be honest and just say you don’t want to go.

your problem was not saying straight away you didn't want to go.
you said childcare issues - so your friend is on problem solving mode, i would be the same...

i would rather people were honest with me

You didn't actually say "no". What you've said is "if these barriers weren't in the way, I would go" hence her trying to help remove those barriers.

You can be both clear and vague, you don't need to be specific about your anxiety issues or even any solid reason. I generally say "Thanks for inviting me, but it's not really my thing". If pushed for an exact reason you can still be vague "it was fine last time, but just not something that I would choose to do again".

Just let your friend know that in reality you've been to the event before, so not desperate to go again and thank them for trying to help.

What's the point of having friends if you can't be honest with them?!? You are creating these issues, not her. She is trying to help you because should haven't been honest with her as to the reasons you don't want to go.