I just don't want to bloody go !

[forknifespoon]

I have been invited to an event with friends. I have been to this event before. I have an anxiety disorder, made worse by the set up of the event I have been invited to. None of my friends know about my severe anxiety issues. And I don't want them to know either.

I've said I cannot go to the event due to childcare issues. One of the friends is bending over backwards to accommodate my childcare issues. I've told her thank you for offering to help, but that the help she has suggested/offered will only be in place 40 minutes before the event starts. Leaving me 40 minutes to get changed and get to the event. I have said this is too rushed for me. By the time I get there, parking could be difficult, I would have missed the dinner part and 1 other part of the event, although no the main part.

This is a low key event, nothing fancy or special. I don't understand why my friend cannot just accept that I cannot go. I originally didn't just say 'no' to going or that I simply didn't fancy it, as I knew my friend would not accept these as excuses/reasons not to go and would mention that I have been before and enjoyed it (which she did, and yes I went before but I had severe anxiety, I just never showed it at the time. I was mentally exhausted by the end of it).

Why can't some people just take no as an answer ?

Why can't some people just take no as an answer ?

Short answer? They're disrespectful. You don't need to tolerate it. I'd say something neutral in future like "no, thank you, it's not for me". It's a meaningless phrase and if you refuse to be drawn on why it's not for you (just keep repeating it) there's nothing for them to argue against or try to find solutions for.

I used to have similar over finances. People offering to pay for me "this time" when I mentioned being broke, or pointing out its "only" £5 or whatever. Leaving me to explain I was so poor I never had any spare cash at all, could never return the favour of they paid for me and if I had £5 I'd save it towards the inevitable emergencies that crop up from time to time. They'd usually point out my expensive hobby, disbelievingly. I'd have to tell them yes, this is where all my disposable income goes and being constantly broke is the price I paid for my daily dose of happiness. Some of them couldn't accept someone making different lifestyle choices than the ones they'd make themselves. It was so so annoying when people wouldn't accept "sorry I'd love to but I can't, I'm broke" as an answer.

It's not people being disrespectful, it's because the OP lied, so the friend thought she was helping. She could easily have just said she didn't want to go.

It’s because you haven’t been honest, if you’d said no thanks, I don’t like events like that as they make me anxious or just aren’t for me then I’m sure she would have accepted it.

Because you haven't said no!!!

I hope you're not my friend! You sound prickly.

If they are real friends then you need to tell them no and why. If they can’t cope with that or you feel you can’t then that tells you it’s not a true friendship and not worth bothering with.

I used to be like you I have severs anxiety disorder and I just had to learn to say no and tell the truth be blind if you got to they will soon sod off but don't be hurt if you stop getting invited to things x

I originally didn't just say 'no' to going or that I simply didn't fancy it, as I knew my friend would not accept these as excuses/reasons not to go

For all the people who missed this in the OP and are saying just be honest with her. It's not going to work. The friend is someone who won't take no for an answer.

Yes it's possible for people to have MH problems and for their friends not to have any clue.

OP don't disclose anything you don't want to. She isn't a respectful person, the chances of her being supportive about your MH are low. Trying to fix you and bully you into doing things anyway under the pretext that it'll be good for you is more likely, that's if she doesn't drop you like a hot potato and never contact you again. Which admittedly would solve the issue but will also feel awful after you've disclosed something so personal.

I originally didn't just say 'no' to going or that I simply didn't fancy it, as I knew my friend would not accept these as excuses/reasons not to go

For all the people who missed this in the OP and are saying just be honest with her. It's not going to work. The friend is someone who won't take no for an answer.

I mean, unless the friend hog ties OP and bundles her into a car, saying no will work because OP simply doesn't go. It might be an uncomfortable conversation. If she carried on pushing all OP has to do is say 'look I've said I'm not going, I won't be entertaining this conversation any longer' and then mute the chat.

And lying about childcare hasn't worked as, you pointed out, as she doesn't accept no for an answer so is trying to "solve" the problem which she sees stopping OP going. OP doesn't have to disclose her MH issues but inventing issues isn't working either.

Just say I'm not going and if she pushes for a reason say I don't want to. It usually really surprises people and they stop. If she continues you say I've told you I'm not going, this isn't a discussion, please drop it. If she doesn't then hang up, walk away or mute. If she gets upset that's on her. It really is ok to say no to an invitation and any sane person realises that.